Insomnia

I have trouble sleeping these days. I have some prescriptions that help, sometimes.

I have a lot on my mind. I worry a lot. I worry about my kids, my health, my future. I try to stay positive, and I try NOT to worry. I still worry.

I don't understand it, because I know that it doesn't change anything. I know that worrying makes one ill. I know that worrying causes only grief.

I still worry.

If you worry, you are not alone. Fight it. Fight the need to control everything. Fight the urge to go to that negative place that tells you all the ways things can go wrong. Join me in that fight.

Maybe one day I can let go of the worry completely. Right now I let go little by little, and that is all I can do. I will "Let go and let God," as much as I am capable of each day.

I will sleep.

Racing Thoughts

I get racing thoughts. Things go through my head so fast I can barely focus on any one thing. I go from something about my dogs, to something I need to get at the store, to something about my health, to something about my shoes. It can be exhausting.

Through some of my past therapies I learned a way to make them stop. I am to imagine a symbol that will stop the thoughts, I chose a stop sign. Original, huh? It works though. I just visualize a stop sign, I make a full stop in my brain and I can focus on what needs to be done. I can't say that I use this all the time, but when I do it is very helpful.

I thought I would start sharing some of the tools that I have found useful over the course of my journey. Let me know if you have any tips on making those thoughts "STOP."

Affirmation

I have the wisdom to know how I want to spend my time and energy today.

Affirmation

Positive or negative... the choice is mine!

Affirmation

I will determine my priorities today to avoid confusion.

Affirmation

I will not try to complicate things or try to figure it all out. The answer is simple. I will look into my heart.

Affirmation

I cannot control or change others, but I can change myself.

Change of Plans

To A Mouse

The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men,
Gang aft agley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy! 

Meaning:

The best laid schemes of Mice and Men
oft go awry,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!

Robert Burns, (Poem, November, 1785)

Scottish national poet (1759 - 1796) 

Today I thought about this poem and what it means. I am a planner. I like things to go my way and get frustrated when they don't. I often think that I know best and that others just can;'t do "it" as good as I can.

I learned a lesson today, I don't always know best! A hard lesson to learn. I am in the hospital and although I thought it was time for me to go home, and some of the doctors agreed with me, it just takes one to say "nope." I guess ultimately it was a good decision as I am in quite a bit of pain after I had surgery. 

Putting my health and ultimately my life in the hands of others is hard for me. Letting go is often frightening. We, as a society, are conditioned to be independent and to take care of ourselves. If we let someone else make those decisions we feel we are considered weak. We want others to know we can handle things on our own. To show them our independence. 

As I have posted before, I now believe that true strength and courage come from acknowledging the fact that we can't do it all. That we need help and support. 

I have heard it said that if you want to make God laugh, then just make plans. His plans for us and our lives may not make sense to us, but He knows what He is doing. I am working on surrendering control and letting God take the lead. I have found in the past that although it is not the easy way, that looking back on those situations, it makes sense. 

Truly, "The best laid plans of mice and men, oft go awry." So, take some advice from a recovering "control freak," and let go!

Up Early

I am up early. Don't you hate it when you wake up BEFORE your alarm? It is extremely annoying!

I have decided to take advantage of it and reflect on events of this past week. I spoke of something big that our family was facing, it was HUGE for all of us, but especially a new member of our family. (This is my family of origin, not a baby in MY family). We are all rejoicing and are extremely happy.

A lot of times you can plan for your future, but sometimes life throws you a curve-ball, and you just have to swing for the fences! We did and hit a grand slam! (Kind of funny that I am using a baseball analogy!)

I just wanted to let you know that I have really come a long way, I have accepted change with joy and anticipation. I do not fear the outcome or the future. Embrace change my friends, it is a good thing. It can bring great joy if you allow it!

The Last Song

Okay, I may take some flack for this, but here goes...I just watched the movie "The Last Song." I know it was supposed to be bad, a teen movie, etc.

It made me weep. I should have known though, it is a Nicholas Sparks book. (spoiler alert) I didn't know what the title really meant, I assumed it was some sappy thing about growing up. About half way through you find out that the father has cancer and wanted to spend his last summer with his kids in his childhood hometown.

I have recently felt that fear of dying and leaving my children behind. I will not lie to you about the sheer terror that invoked in me. I didn't know at that time that there were options for me, and that I would be okay. I have a chronic, serious illness that is life-threatening if not taken care of. It has made me more aware of what is important in life than I have ever been before. I am unashamed to say that my faith was shaken to the core, and that in the midst of the storm I finally saw things with a new clarity.

Again, another slap in the face trying to get my attention that I am not able to control everything. I think God is really trying to tell me something!

My children, my husband, my family and my friends, these are the things that really matter. I will spend every waking breath trying to enjoy them to the fullest. Whether I have 1 or 100,000,000,000 more to take.

Cleaning up My Life

I was scrubbing my stove this morning, and I started thinking about my life. I have really done some major housework on my life in the last year.


I have decided to take care of myself fully, in every way. I try to sleep as needed, eat healthy meals, take my medications as directed, see my doctors regularly and ask for help when it is required. I have decided to enjoy life and to let go of the negativity that has plagued me most of my life. In every situation I have a choice to make in how I respond. My general nature takes me to the negative, but I choose the positive outlook, it makes a big difference. (More on that in another blog). I have decided to let go of unhealthy relationships. I no longer have any contact with the man that abused me. That decision in itself changed my life. I feel freer than I ever have before. Finally, I have decided to allow God the control that I know He so greatly desires, and that I need. I cannot control a lot of what is happening to me right now, but I trust that my God is taking care of me and has a plan for my life. He desires great things for me and by trusting in that, I can live a full life without the need to try and control every situation. 


Psalm 59:17
You are my strength, I sing praise to you; you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely.


Now I need to go and do some laundry!

Going Someplace New

I don't deal well with going someplace I have never been before. I am self-conscious, and nervous. I like to know exactly what to do and where to go and who to speak to. I do know that this seems bizarre to most people, but it is my reality. I do deal with it and just go, but it makes me so uncomfortable.


Today I am going to my first outpatient dialysis treatment. I am nervous not only about the procedure, but about the environment. When they called to confirm my appointment yesterday, I asked a million questions just to make sure I knew what to do. I forgot to ask what to wear! I don't know if they will have me in a gown, or keep me in my same clothes. I have a catheter in my chest, and I am unsure how they will access it. I am going anyway and am wearing what I want, and we'll just see if I made a mistake or not!


What irrational fears do you have? Leave a comment here on the blog and we'll all see that we are not alone!

Adjusting to my Current Weight

I have an eating disorder. It has been established not only here in this blog, but in my life over more than a decade. I have suffered from this eating disorder for most of my life. I struggle with how much I weigh, how much I eat, and how much medication I have to take. I hate it, I have lived with it, it has consumed much of my life.


I named it, Edith. She had amazing power over me, but I beat her down. She still survives, but she is caged and I rarely visit her. She has been screaming for me a lot lately, wanting attention.


You see, I had adjusted to a much healthier weight. I had begun to be happy with a womanly body. I was proud of the curves I had developed. She did not like that, because the attention was no longer on her. 


Now a crisis has hit. I have kidney failure and have gained a massive amount of weight. To the point that I only have one pair of pants that fit. This is water weight, and I am going to take it off healthily through dialysis, but it is scary. I hear Edith screaming for me to let her out. 


I will tell you that I feel ugly, that I feel fat, I feel unlovable. These are all feelings that lurk in the background of my mind, but I have coping mechanisms to put them at bay. I tell myself the truth, that I am a beautiful woman, that I am sick and that I am truly loved. I stop the negative tapes that run through my mind over and over, and replace it with positive tapes. 


I will also tell you that although I am winning the battle, we are in heavy combat right now. The war is not over, I will prevail, but I am taking heavy damage right now! 


I believe in God's refining fire, that I will come out shining gold on the other side.


And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’; and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’”  Zechariah 3:9

Kidney Dialysis is a Necessary Evil

I started Kidney Dialysis yesterday. 

I cannot say it is fun. 

I cannot say it is easy.

I cannot say that I wanted this.

I can say, however, that I needed this. 

Sometimes in life we need to do things we don't want to do. It isn't that we are being "forced" to against our will, it is just that in order to live a healthier/happier/more fulfilled life, we must do things that may not seem pleasant. This is one of those times in my life. 

I have written about losing control of what is going on in my body, or what I "had" to do. I didn't like it and I rebelled against it. I still don't like it, but I am accepting it.

If I were to refuse dialysis, or even taking my medications or food, I will die. There is no if, and or but about it. There are people in this world that have more knowledge of what needs to be done to maintain a healthy body. I will trust in them. This is not to say that I go with what the first doctor says without checking them out or seeing another one, it just means that I acknowledge my lack of understanding of some things.

This is another big step for me, because I like to diagnose myself. It drives my husband crazy. I will see a bump and suddenly I fear I am dying from skin cancer or some other ailment. By letting go and trusting others, I am truly nurturing and caring for myself. 

Eating Disorder-Trying to be Perfect

I have stated that my goal in my eating disorder was to have control in my life, which seemed out of control.

It was also my way of being good at something. I was good at being thin...I thought this would make me "perfect." I wanted to be the perfect...

• Wife
• Mother
• Friend
• Employee
• Christian

I knew really wanted to be what I believed others wanted me to be. I felt that I was falling short. I didn't know how to make everyone else happy, and I thought that by being thin and beautiful I would be all that I "should" be.

I only heard this song today, and it really sums up what I was trying to do. Thank you Alanis Morissette! Alanis has admitted that she struggled with both Anorexia and Bulimia as a teenager. She has been in recovery since and has taken a different approach to staying healthy by exercising moderately and eating better.

Origin of my Eating Disorder

When I was growing up I had to finish everything on my plate. It is/was a common order from parents. There are many reasons why:

• So their children will grow up healthy and strong
• So they don't waste food
• So they can taste new things and find new favorite foods

These are all noble reasons. I have caught myself doing the same thing with my kids, and then thought, you sound just like your mom!

It has been said that eating disorders aren't really about the weight. It is about control and trying to find some of that in a world that feels so out of control.

I dipped my toe in the "pool of eating disorders" in high school. I would tell my parents that I was eating at my friends' houses and tell their parents that I had eaten at home. Suddenly I had control. I started to feel lethargic and wanted to stay in bed a lot of the time.

This didn't last long, but it is something that I think was always in the back of my mind.

When I found myself, at the age of 24, mother of two, stay-at-home mom with only one car, bills piling up, a new diagnosis of Diabetes, and feelings of insecurity and fear from my childhood...the thought came back. I was so out of control and this was something I could control.

I don't blame my parents for my eating disorder, I made choices that took me down that path. There were circumstances in my childhood that led me down this path, I take full responsibility for my part.

I have found other ways to take control of my life. This is by choosing to do the following things:

• Take my medication as prescribed
• Eat well balanced meals
• Exercise moderately
• Spend time with my family and friends
• See my therapist regularly

These are all "rules" that I have previously felt others had put on me. I now know that to be healthy, these are "rules" that help me to survive.

As I explore my past and dig deeper into the origins of my eating disorder and why I allowed it to take control, I can have victory over it.

Trying to Eat Better

I have been doing so well with my eating disorder and Diabetes. My numbers recently were wonderful, even after 3 surgeries since April. I am very proud of myself.

But tonight I realized that I am not eating the best foods for my body. I am getting older and it is easy to pack on the weight. This is hard for someone dealing with a lifelong struggle with eating. I know that I should be careful about the foods I eat, however, spending too much time thinking about it could lead me down the path of destruction.

How does one make sure that they have a regulated diet without obsessing about it?

I have been there before, but it is never easy to follow through on the "program."

I need to eat a balanced diet and get moderate exercise. Seems easy enough. I will do my best to eat more veggies, les bread and do some sort of activity each day.

Are you with me?