Monday, April 25, 2011

Simple Pleasures

Today I am reminded of the simple pleasures in life once again.

I had my catheter in my chest removed. It was used to administer dialysis, now I have what is called a fistula in my arm. With the removal of the catheter I can do things I haven't been able to do since January. I can swim, bathe, and shower! I am so excited I can barely contain myself.

Each day is a blessing and a gift from God. I appreciate so much about my life and life in general.

I have said it before, but my sons are the light of my life. Even though they are teenagers, and it isn't always easy to navigate this difficult stage, I love them so much. I love to see the differences in them as they grow up and become their own men. I love to sit and have deep, intelligent conversations with them. Even when we argue, afterward I can appreciate that they have their own ideas and opinions.

I choose to find joy in every aspect of my life.

Sunday, April 24, 2011


I do not need to be paranoid and have to think every event means something.

I have this problem regularly. My husband is a musician and he writes his own music. Every time I hear a new song of his, I try to figure out what he is saying about ME or US. He says, sometimes a song is just a song. That taught me a lesson that everything isn't about ME, and that every time something happens it isn't supposed to be something that I need to decipher. Sometimes things just happen.

Saturday, April 23, 2011


I no longer need to spend large blocks of time obsessing.

Friday, April 22, 2011


I have the wisdom to know how I want to spend my time and energy today.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


You are at a yard sale. You see an old, ugly, worn out rocking chair. You think to yourself, "who would ever buy such a thing."

Let's change perspective.

The lady that put it out there, just lost her mother and is cleaning out her house. She didn't want to put the chair out, but she lived far away and didn't have room in her small apartment. The chair was her mother's favorite. She rocked her babies in it when they came home from the hospital. She held them there when they were sick. She sat in it each night by the fire, knitting blankets for the local homeless shelter. She held her grandchildren there the first time she met each of them. 

The arms are worn from her hands holding onto them over the years. There are stains on the seat from spilled milk or juice. There is a missing spindle on the back where that same daughter had thrown a baseball at it many years ago. The age, wear and tear on this chair are signs of love.

This chair is beautiful.

I have looked at my body over the years and have seen the wear and tear on it. I have seen ugliness and scars. I have hated everything about it. 

I have changed my perspective.

My body does bear scars, and stretch marks, these are from bearing my beautiful sons. My body stretched and changed with each of their pregnancies. I delivered each of them by Cesarean Section. What beautiful, amazing scars!

My body is amazing, what great things it has done for me. It took me to the great outdoors, hiking, camping, rappelling. It walked me down the aisle to marry the man of my dreams. It bore me children. It danced the night away with friends. 

This body is beautiful.

Monday, April 11, 2011


I am sitting in a Panera Bread typing this blog. It is actually one of my favorite restaurants in terms of "fast food." I like the cleanliness, the fresh food AND the free WiFi!

Wow, how life has changed since I became an adult. I came of age in a time where the internet was out there, but no one I knew had it. To be honest, I only had used computers at school and work, I didn't have any friends that had a personal computer. We all were excited to get electric typewriters for graduation to type our term papers on in college.

Now, there are very few homes that do not have at least ONE computer. At our house, we currently have 3, and Heath has one that he uses at his school (although, he is not overly impressed with it).

To think of all of the changes that technology has brought over the past 20 years is amazing! HDTV, WiFi, laptops, improved 3D, video games that are extremely realistic, including my family's new favorite, Nintendo 3DS! That thing is AMAZING! So many more that I can't even think of them all.

All of these changes are great, but what is even greater are the changes within myself. I am no longer that frightened girl that was afraid to not be "on" all of the time. The girl that couldn't let anyone all the way in for fear that she would be crushed if she did. I am no longer hiding a deep dark secret about my eating disorder, and my true hatred of myself.

I have grown into a strong, capable, proud, and dare I say it, beautiful woman. I am confident in who I am, what I want, and what I need to live a full life. I am willing to let love in completely, to open myself up to new people and possibilities.

Oh, I wish I had been this confident as a girl. I wish I knew then, what I know now. To be honest though, I would not be as confident and knowledgeable without all of my struggles.

Today I embrace my past as I look forward to my future. I go into the great unknown with so much anticipation and faith!!

Sunday, April 3, 2011


Not too long ago, someone very close to me, confronted me about my behavior. They said that I should stop complaining and playing the victim. I was outraged. I had struggled with that for many years and felt that I had really dealt with it and moved on to "survivor."

I argued the point quite vigorously and I was angry for quite some time.

Then I started to digest what they said. To take it in and process it. They were right, I had been playing the victim. Not in regards to my history of abuse and my eating disorder, but about current issues.

I frequently said, "I can't believe all of this is happening to me,"  "I can't help it that this or that happened." I felt sorry for myself, I lost all of my joy and felt terribly sad and lonely in my struggles. It wasn't that there weren't people willing to help me or spend time with me, I just shut them out and thought that I would just have to deal with all of these things alone.

In the past several weeks, since this confrontation, I have grown tremendously. I may be in the most dire situation with my health, kidney failure is not fun let me tell you, but I feel so strong and free. This is a new sensation for me.

I used to worry about that number on the scale, I used to obsess over it. I then overcame it to a certain degree. It wasn't an every day thought anymore. Then my kidneys started failing and the doctors wanted me to weigh myself every day. It was really tough to do, especially since I had over 50 pounds of water weight on me in a matter of weeks.

I now have lost all of the water weight and I am still 20-30 pounds over what I used to strive for. For the very first time in my life, I love my body fully. I love the curves that I have, I love the way I can move around, and I am truly happy with my weight.

Although, I must admit, there is ONE part of my body I am not happy with...those stinking kidneys!