New Year...New Life?

My new year started on October 7, 2012 when I received my new kidney and pancreas. I don't think that when the calendar switched from 2012 to 2013 that anything magically changed. I believe that significant life altering changes occur on the most ordinary days of the year. Did I know that when I fell asleep on my couch on Saturday, October 6, 2012 that my life would change a few hours later? No, I didn't. Did anything change at 12:01 AM on Tuesday, January 1, 2013? No, it didn't. Life changes in those little moments in between. It isn't always during monumental changes like life saving surgery, sometimes it is in a glance from a stranger that later becomes a friend. Sometimes it is making a "wrong" turn and ending up in the "right" place. Sometimes it is in changing one's mind for "one last time." I look forward to all of the things that life has to offer, and for each step into my "New Life."

Loving MY Life

I have blogged about my struggle with self esteem and what that means to me.

I have been blatantly honest with how I often fail at loving myself.

I have told you about how much I have hated myself and my body.

I have discussed how badly I have wanted a different life.

Today I am pledging (again) to love the life I have now, not waiting for what I think will make me happy. I will be content with my life, even while striving to better myself and my life. Just because I love my life doesn't mean that I won't continue to work for more, it just means that I won't put my life on hold until I get it.

This is a group that has come into my life through my son, I am 50Million. I love what they teach, and what they have done for him. I have learned via the "osmosis" of living with him and going to some of their classes. Here is a status that they posted today on facebook that made me stop and think:

"A key to absolute happiness is to learn how to Love the life you have right "now". Your life is "now". This life that is truly not missing anything. It might have areas we don't like but it has everything it needs. We have this life right now and we could live in bliss if we can learn how to Love it for all it is. With all we like and dislike, we can still find true Love for this life. We spend so much time wanting our "desired life" or a "future life". That future doesn't exist right "now" and as important as it is to have goals these should not overshadow this life... this "now". True Love is about acceptance and today is a great day to find Love for the life that you have right "now". All we have is the "now" and if you can Love your life in it... you will live with a peace that others only dream of. Love with everything that is you. We strive to Love everything in this "now", for you are and I am 50Million"

Insomnia

I have trouble sleeping these days. I have some prescriptions that help, sometimes.

I have a lot on my mind. I worry a lot. I worry about my kids, my health, my future. I try to stay positive, and I try NOT to worry. I still worry.

I don't understand it, because I know that it doesn't change anything. I know that worrying makes one ill. I know that worrying causes only grief.

I still worry.

If you worry, you are not alone. Fight it. Fight the need to control everything. Fight the urge to go to that negative place that tells you all the ways things can go wrong. Join me in that fight.

Maybe one day I can let go of the worry completely. Right now I let go little by little, and that is all I can do. I will "Let go and let God," as much as I am capable of each day.

I will sleep.

Liking Myself

I'll admit it, I struggle with liking myself. 

I really don't remember a time that this wasn't a struggle. I have had moments where I felt good about myself. I have had moments where I feel pretty. I have even had a few moments where I felt proud of myself. It has never been easy though.


I went through an extended period of time where I was feeling good and strong, confident in myself. I then let the circumstances of my life knock me down. My husband leaving was really hard and I blamed him for my feelings of inadequacy. 


It wasn't/isn't his fault. I let myself start to listen to the old "tapes" that played in my head for most of my life. Tapes that said I wasn't good enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough. Tapes that left me trapped, unable to move forward, unable to strive for something more. 


I am making a choice right now that says I am ENOUGH. I am the best "me" I can be. 

Moving On

When my husband said he was leaving, he said it was time for him to "move on." I didn't understand, and still don't totally understand, but I had to accept it. I really didn't have a choice, the only other option was to continue screaming and crying. Which I did a lot of. I loved him, and still do, but I have learned that it is now time for me to "move on" as well. It is not something I would have chosen, but it is the healthiest thing for me to do now.


I am actually starting to love my life again. I can now do what I want without having to ask someone else's opinion. I can choose to spend the day in my pajamas or save the dishes for tomorrow without feeling like I am letting someone down. (not that he was saying it, I was the one feeling it)


I have wanted to go back to Ohio to visit my family, and because he had another commitment, I had to miss a trip last year. Not this year, I am going back to a camp reunion and to see my mom, sister and brothers. 


It is time for him to live the life he has always wanted, and for me to do so as well. 


Our marriage produced two beautiful children and a friendship that I think will last a lifetime. It won't be the same, but I know that if I were in trouble, he would be there. There is no reason for us to fight, because we are both "moving on."

Affirmation

If I can endure for this minute whatever is happening to me, no matter how heavy my heart is or how dark the moment might be...

If I can but keep on believing what I know in my heart to be true...

That darkness will fade with morning and that this will pass away too...

Then nothing can ever disturb me or fill me with uncertain fear...

For as sure as night brings dawning, my morning is bound to appear...

Thank you "Something Fishy" for this affirmation, and many of the others.

Biting my Nails

I have been biting my nails since I was a very little girl. I don't remember a time I didn't. I do it when I am nervous. I do it when I am bored. I do it while watching movies. I do it while reading a book. It is a terrible habit. I hate how my nails look when I bite them so low they bleed.

I quit biting my nails 3 weeks ago. They are not long and luxurious, but they are shaping up.

It is hard to break a habit that has been so ingrained in my life. I have overcome.

I have overcome so many things over the years. I have overcome some deep depression. I have overcome a debilitating eating disorder. I have overcome severe self loathing. I have overcome a desire to die.

Biting my nails is NOTHING compared to those things, but it has made me take stock of my life and be proud of all that I have overcome.

Yuck

This is what I felt like this morning.

Like I had been knocked down, face first in the mud and I was being run over by untold number of feet. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to hide away.

It's been a long time since I have felt this discouraged, this defeated. I didn't want to fight it, I wanted to curl up inside of it.

I didn't. I got up, I took my son to school. I washed dishes, and did some laundry. I did some prep work for dinner tonight and I sat outside soaking up the sun for a bit. I took a bath, did my hair and makeup and even put on a dress and sandals. I went to the doctor and Flory (the nurse) said, "you have a hot date or somethin'? You look GREAT!" I smiled and said, "nope, just felt like crap today and decided if I couldn't feel good inside, I would look good on the outside. Fake it 'til you make it!" She smiled as she left the room.

This of course made me stop and think. I did feel better. I thought I looked pretty darn good, and I got even more confirmation of that fact from Rosia (the receptionist) as I left.

Sometimes we do need to put on that smile and muscle through the "mud" in our lives. Get up, wipe it off and soldier on. No one ever said the road to recovery was easy, but I think it is much easier with a little bit of makeup and a nice smile.

Excuse me while I brush out the last bit of mud from my hair, I am feeling pretty darn good right about now!

Perspective

You are at a yard sale. You see an old, ugly, worn out rocking chair. You think to yourself, "who would ever buy such a thing."

Let's change perspective.

The lady that put it out there, just lost her mother and is cleaning out her house. She didn't want to put the chair out, but she lived far away and didn't have room in her small apartment. The chair was her mother's favorite. She rocked her babies in it when they came home from the hospital. She held them there when they were sick. She sat in it each night by the fire, knitting blankets for the local homeless shelter. She held her grandchildren there the first time she met each of them. 

The arms are worn from her hands holding onto them over the years. There are stains on the seat from spilled milk or juice. There is a missing spindle on the back where that same daughter had thrown a baseball at it many years ago. The age, wear and tear on this chair are signs of love.

This chair is beautiful.

I have looked at my body over the years and have seen the wear and tear on it. I have seen ugliness and scars. I have hated everything about it. 

I have changed my perspective.

My body does bear scars, and stretch marks, these are from bearing my beautiful sons. My body stretched and changed with each of their pregnancies. I delivered each of them by Cesarean Section. What beautiful, amazing scars!

My body is amazing, what great things it has done for me. It took me to the great outdoors, hiking, camping, rappelling. It walked me down the aisle to marry the man of my dreams. It bore me children. It danced the night away with friends. 

This body is beautiful.

Contemplation

I am sitting in a Panera Bread typing this blog. It is actually one of my favorite restaurants in terms of "fast food." I like the cleanliness, the fresh food AND the free WiFi!

Wow, how life has changed since I became an adult. I came of age in a time where the internet was out there, but no one I knew had it. To be honest, I only had used computers at school and work, I didn't have any friends that had a personal computer. We all were excited to get electric typewriters for graduation to type our term papers on in college.

Now, there are very few homes that do not have at least ONE computer. At our house, we currently have 3, and Heath has one that he uses at his school (although, he is not overly impressed with it).

To think of all of the changes that technology has brought over the past 20 years is amazing! HDTV, WiFi, laptops, improved 3D, video games that are extremely realistic, including my family's new favorite, Nintendo 3DS! That thing is AMAZING! So many more that I can't even think of them all.

All of these changes are great, but what is even greater are the changes within myself. I am no longer that frightened girl that was afraid to not be "on" all of the time. The girl that couldn't let anyone all the way in for fear that she would be crushed if she did. I am no longer hiding a deep dark secret about my eating disorder, and my true hatred of myself.

I have grown into a strong, capable, proud, and dare I say it, beautiful woman. I am confident in who I am, what I want, and what I need to live a full life. I am willing to let love in completely, to open myself up to new people and possibilities.

Oh, I wish I had been this confident as a girl. I wish I knew then, what I know now. To be honest though, I would not be as confident and knowledgeable without all of my struggles.

Today I embrace my past as I look forward to my future. I go into the great unknown with so much anticipation and faith!!

Strength

Not too long ago, someone very close to me, confronted me about my behavior. They said that I should stop complaining and playing the victim. I was outraged. I had struggled with that for many years and felt that I had really dealt with it and moved on to "survivor."

I argued the point quite vigorously and I was angry for quite some time.

Then I started to digest what they said. To take it in and process it. They were right, I had been playing the victim. Not in regards to my history of abuse and my eating disorder, but about current issues.

I frequently said, "I can't believe all of this is happening to me,"  "I can't help it that this or that happened." I felt sorry for myself, I lost all of my joy and felt terribly sad and lonely in my struggles. It wasn't that there weren't people willing to help me or spend time with me, I just shut them out and thought that I would just have to deal with all of these things alone.

In the past several weeks, since this confrontation, I have grown tremendously. I may be in the most dire situation with my health, kidney failure is not fun let me tell you, but I feel so strong and free. This is a new sensation for me.

I used to worry about that number on the scale, I used to obsess over it. I then overcame it to a certain degree. It wasn't an every day thought anymore. Then my kidneys started failing and the doctors wanted me to weigh myself every day. It was really tough to do, especially since I had over 50 pounds of water weight on me in a matter of weeks.

I now have lost all of the water weight and I am still 20-30 pounds over what I used to strive for. For the very first time in my life, I love my body fully. I love the curves that I have, I love the way I can move around, and I am truly happy with my weight.

Although, I must admit, there is ONE part of my body I am not happy with...those stinking kidneys!

Affirmation

My actions today will build good memories for tomorrow.

Affirmation

I will determine my priorities today to avoid confusion.

Affirmation

I will embrace the changes taking place in me now. They are good.

Affirmation

The beginning I make today is never insignificant or unimportant. It is the foundation of my future.

Affirmation

I cannot control or change others, but I can change myself.

Affirmation

Today, I will seek a renewed supply of serenity, courage and wisdom.

Change of Plans

To A Mouse

The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men,
Gang aft agley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy! 

Meaning:

The best laid schemes of Mice and Men
oft go awry,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!

Robert Burns, (Poem, November, 1785)

Scottish national poet (1759 - 1796) 

Today I thought about this poem and what it means. I am a planner. I like things to go my way and get frustrated when they don't. I often think that I know best and that others just can;'t do "it" as good as I can.

I learned a lesson today, I don't always know best! A hard lesson to learn. I am in the hospital and although I thought it was time for me to go home, and some of the doctors agreed with me, it just takes one to say "nope." I guess ultimately it was a good decision as I am in quite a bit of pain after I had surgery. 

Putting my health and ultimately my life in the hands of others is hard for me. Letting go is often frightening. We, as a society, are conditioned to be independent and to take care of ourselves. If we let someone else make those decisions we feel we are considered weak. We want others to know we can handle things on our own. To show them our independence. 

As I have posted before, I now believe that true strength and courage come from acknowledging the fact that we can't do it all. That we need help and support. 

I have heard it said that if you want to make God laugh, then just make plans. His plans for us and our lives may not make sense to us, but He knows what He is doing. I am working on surrendering control and letting God take the lead. I have found in the past that although it is not the easy way, that looking back on those situations, it makes sense. 

Truly, "The best laid plans of mice and men, oft go awry." So, take some advice from a recovering "control freak," and let go!

Up Early

I am up early. Don't you hate it when you wake up BEFORE your alarm? It is extremely annoying!

I have decided to take advantage of it and reflect on events of this past week. I spoke of something big that our family was facing, it was HUGE for all of us, but especially a new member of our family. (This is my family of origin, not a baby in MY family). We are all rejoicing and are extremely happy.

A lot of times you can plan for your future, but sometimes life throws you a curve-ball, and you just have to swing for the fences! We did and hit a grand slam! (Kind of funny that I am using a baseball analogy!)

I just wanted to let you know that I have really come a long way, I have accepted change with joy and anticipation. I do not fear the outcome or the future. Embrace change my friends, it is a good thing. It can bring great joy if you allow it!