How to write a letter to your eating disorder
I was in Baptist Medical Center in Kansas City from Thanksgiving until December 22nd of 2000 for the first treatment of my eating disorder. There were many girls and women there. The youngest was 12 and the oldest was 54. It was good to see I was not alone.
At one group session we were asked to name our eating disorders and to write a letter to "it." I thought this was stupid and a bunch of psycho babble. I was irritated and wanted to leave, but I am a rule follower by nature and started on the journey. Little did I know that in those 30 minutes my life would change. I got angry for the first time in a long time and as the tears flowed, the words came...
December 5, 2000
Dear Edith,
I just spoke with you, but I guess it never hurts to say hi again. I can't seem to get enough of you. You have become my "everything." Consuming my thoughts, my dreams, my hopes and my future. I can't imagine my life without you in the center of it. You are the one true constant in my life. There have been times that I have forsaken you, left you by the side of the road--but you are always where I left you. Waiting with hopen arms for me, saying, "Welcome home friend, I missed you. You couldn't make it without me, could you?" And I run into your outstretched arms and find my comfort there. You taught me so many things. Things that I didn't know before you came, such as:
- I don't deserve to be healthy
- It is selfish of me to take care of myself
- Boys don't like fat girls
- With you I have control
- I am a bad girl
- That everyone will hurt me
- That everyone will leave me
- That you will always be there to hold onto
You have never let me forget one of these lessons. You are so good about playing these messages back to me whenever I get too full of pride. You show me all the beautiful people on television, in the movies and on magazine covers. And then tell me how happy I could be if I were like them!
You play old home movies for me so I don't forget the pain of my past. You recorded every event of my life and play back the most painful when I start to enjoy life too much.
Oh how you have worked to keep me in my place. Oh how you have slaved to make sure I know how truly inadequate I am. I haven't given you all the credit you deserve! You are amazing! How could I even think of leaving you behind? You are my all! I am nothing without you!
But...You disgust me!!!! I am sick and tired of being sick and tired! I want to enjoy life! I want to be free! I want you out of my life! I want to have people see ME and not YOU! I want to cherish my time with my husband and children! I want to look like a woman again! I want to think of something, anything but you! I want to go out to eat with my friends and not worry about what they are thinking about me and you. I want to give up--"us!" I want ot break it off! I want you to die! I want to leave you by the side of the road and I want you gone! Don't follow me anymore; don't be waiting for my return--I won't be back! This is the last goodbye! I don't want you! I don't need you! I won't have you!
Goodbye!
