Loving MY Life

I have blogged about my struggle with self esteem and what that means to me.

I have been blatantly honest with how I often fail at loving myself.

I have told you about how much I have hated myself and my body.

I have discussed how badly I have wanted a different life.

Today I am pledging (again) to love the life I have now, not waiting for what I think will make me happy. I will be content with my life, even while striving to better myself and my life. Just because I love my life doesn't mean that I won't continue to work for more, it just means that I won't put my life on hold until I get it.

This is a group that has come into my life through my son, I am 50Million. I love what they teach, and what they have done for him. I have learned via the "osmosis" of living with him and going to some of their classes. Here is a status that they posted today on facebook that made me stop and think:

"A key to absolute happiness is to learn how to Love the life you have right "now". Your life is "now". This life that is truly not missing anything. It might have areas we don't like but it has everything it needs. We have this life right now and we could live in bliss if we can learn how to Love it for all it is. With all we like and dislike, we can still find true Love for this life. We spend so much time wanting our "desired life" or a "future life". That future doesn't exist right "now" and as important as it is to have goals these should not overshadow this life... this "now". True Love is about acceptance and today is a great day to find Love for the life that you have right "now". All we have is the "now" and if you can Love your life in it... you will live with a peace that others only dream of. Love with everything that is you. We strive to Love everything in this "now", for you are and I am 50Million"

Moving On

When my husband said he was leaving, he said it was time for him to "move on." I didn't understand, and still don't totally understand, but I had to accept it. I really didn't have a choice, the only other option was to continue screaming and crying. Which I did a lot of. I loved him, and still do, but I have learned that it is now time for me to "move on" as well. It is not something I would have chosen, but it is the healthiest thing for me to do now.


I am actually starting to love my life again. I can now do what I want without having to ask someone else's opinion. I can choose to spend the day in my pajamas or save the dishes for tomorrow without feeling like I am letting someone down. (not that he was saying it, I was the one feeling it)


I have wanted to go back to Ohio to visit my family, and because he had another commitment, I had to miss a trip last year. Not this year, I am going back to a camp reunion and to see my mom, sister and brothers. 


It is time for him to live the life he has always wanted, and for me to do so as well. 


Our marriage produced two beautiful children and a friendship that I think will last a lifetime. It won't be the same, but I know that if I were in trouble, he would be there. There is no reason for us to fight, because we are both "moving on."

Dreamin'

I have many dreams for my future and for the future of those I love.

• I would love to have enough money to pay for my kids to go to college and graduate with no debt.
• I want my children to find a love to last a lifetime.
• I want my family to enjoy these last few years we will be a unit.
• I want good health for all of us.
• I want a clean house, ALWAYS, not just the days I am having company.
• I want to find a new, meaningful career.
• I want a new kidney!

These are all good dreams, some are easily attained, whereas others, may take a bit of work. I can still dream them. It takes the dream/wish/desire to start the ball rolling on these things.

It is fun to be fully present in my life, and still be able to dream about the future. Edith is not consuming my every waking thought, and my dreams/nightmares in my sleep. I am no longer trapped in the "what ifs" or the "somedays." I can let the past go, live life today, and be excited about tomorrow.

Affirmation

I have the wisdom to know how I want to spend my time and energy today.

Affirmation

I will determine my priorities today to avoid confusion.

Affirmation

How overwhelmed we feel when we anticipate the future, all that needs doing, all the tasks, the work, the potential problems, the responsibilities. I will stay in the present moment, and the past and future will fall naturally and easily into place.

Affirmation

The beginning I make today is never insignificant or unimportant. It is the foundation of my future.

Dreams

I used to dream that I was a different girl
I used to dream that I was in a different world
I used to dream that I had a different dad
I used to dream I had more than I had
Those dreams were very real
Those dreams were full of zeal
Those dreams came every night
Those dreams were worth the fight
I cannot change who I was
I cannot change the circumstances
I cannot change what I had
I cannot change my dad
I will move on
I will no longer be a pawn
I can make a change
I will my life exchange

For I will find the strength inside to make a difference in others lives. I will show them all that they can move on, that they can realize that they have survived. There is something inside of every survivor that may not be able to be expressed, but it's there. We may have not chosen the healthiest of coping mechanisms, but we did what we did to get through the hell that we were experiencing.

Matthew 26:13 NIV

I tell you the truth, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."

The Last Song

Okay, I may take some flack for this, but here goes...I just watched the movie "The Last Song." I know it was supposed to be bad, a teen movie, etc.

It made me weep. I should have known though, it is a Nicholas Sparks book. (spoiler alert) I didn't know what the title really meant, I assumed it was some sappy thing about growing up. About half way through you find out that the father has cancer and wanted to spend his last summer with his kids in his childhood hometown.

I have recently felt that fear of dying and leaving my children behind. I will not lie to you about the sheer terror that invoked in me. I didn't know at that time that there were options for me, and that I would be okay. I have a chronic, serious illness that is life-threatening if not taken care of. It has made me more aware of what is important in life than I have ever been before. I am unashamed to say that my faith was shaken to the core, and that in the midst of the storm I finally saw things with a new clarity.

Again, another slap in the face trying to get my attention that I am not able to control everything. I think God is really trying to tell me something!

My children, my husband, my family and my friends, these are the things that really matter. I will spend every waking breath trying to enjoy them to the fullest. Whether I have 1 or 100,000,000,000 more to take.

Cleaning up My Life

I was scrubbing my stove this morning, and I started thinking about my life. I have really done some major housework on my life in the last year.


I have decided to take care of myself fully, in every way. I try to sleep as needed, eat healthy meals, take my medications as directed, see my doctors regularly and ask for help when it is required. I have decided to enjoy life and to let go of the negativity that has plagued me most of my life. In every situation I have a choice to make in how I respond. My general nature takes me to the negative, but I choose the positive outlook, it makes a big difference. (More on that in another blog). I have decided to let go of unhealthy relationships. I no longer have any contact with the man that abused me. That decision in itself changed my life. I feel freer than I ever have before. Finally, I have decided to allow God the control that I know He so greatly desires, and that I need. I cannot control a lot of what is happening to me right now, but I trust that my God is taking care of me and has a plan for my life. He desires great things for me and by trusting in that, I can live a full life without the need to try and control every situation. 


Psalm 59:17
You are my strength, I sing praise to you; you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely.


Now I need to go and do some laundry!

Facing the Holidays

For some reason Autumn is a hard time for me. I think it is because I put too much pressure on myself to make all of the holidays that are coming up so special.

I love getting ready for Halloween, picking out costumes, decorating and getting enough candy to pass out to the little ones. I think I am trying to prove that I am a perfect hostess. I want kids and parents to think that I have the best candy. I have constantly been searching for approval from outside of myself.

This leads to Thanksgiving. This time I want to cook food that everyone will rave about. I want them to think I have the best rolls, pies, turkey, etc. I need them to say that I am worthy.

Finally, Christmas. I start decorating on Black Friday and my whole house gets transformed. I light candles that smell like cinnamon and pine needles. I cover the tree with lights and beautiful decorations. I pick out the perfect gifts for those I love. Again, I love to do this, but I am seeking approval again.

I want to simplify things this year. I will only do what makes me happy, and will give my family joy. I do not need praise from others, for I will take joy in a job well done.

Eating Disorder-Counting my Blessings

Today I am reminded of the phrase:
"There is always someone worse off than you."

I really don't like this phrase so much, as it implies that someone else is suffering even more than I am, especially when I am feeling so low.

It is a true statement though. I have had a miserably rough few months, surgery, being injured, losing my job, two more surgeries, and being confined to a wheelchair through most of it. Now I am facing some eye issues that are going to be rough. I am blessed though. My kids are relatively healthy, my husband has a good job, my family loves me and I have great friends and a wonderful support system.

These past few weeks I have watched as one of my dearest friends growing up has taken on the battle of Pediatric Cancer with her 12 year old daughter. I cannot imagine the pain that entails. I also am overwhelmed with how much I love this little girl and I have never met her. Her mom and I lost touch for a long time and through the miracle that is social networking, have only recently re-connected. I pray for this family every day and know that their fight is much more challenging than my own.

I also have been praying for a little boy that I have never met, his name is Sam. My sister told me about this little boy, and I have been following his progress with Pediatric Cancer through CaringBridge. He lost his battle last week, and even though the family has faith that he is no longer in pain and in the arms of a Loving God, they miss him very much.

There are others that have lost their homes to devastating floods in Iowa. There are people that have lost their families entire way of life on the Gulf Coast. There is suffering everywhere.

I have an eating disorder, I suffer from depression, but I am truly blessed to be who I am and where I am today.

Power

I am going to take a departure from my last few posts, but will return to that series soon.

Today I want to write about power.

I started dabbling in my eating disorder (Edith) when I was about 13 years old. I, like so many other teenagers was worried about fitting in. I couldn't control the fact that my parents couldn't afford the latest name brand fads. I couldn't control where I lived. I couldn't control my life in many ways. I thought that if I was thin, people would like me because I would be beautiful. This I could control.

I began to feel like I had some of my power back that was taken away from the abuse.

Suddenly I was in control of something. That made me feel powerful.

As I said, I dabbled in it at first. Edith did not take complete control until I was about 24. At that time I was a mother to young sons. I was trying to find a job that allowed me to be home with them most of the time. I was trying to be a good wife and wasn't really sure what that meant. I was trying to manage a household budget that did not have a lot of income coming in. I was trying to be Supermom, what I thought I "should" be based on what I saw on TV and in magazines.

Suddenly, when I started controlling what went into my body and what I did with it, I really felt in control and powerful. People commented on how good I looked as I lost weight. I was thrilled to finally get the attention I had been craving.

It didn't take long for that power to be stripped away as I lost all control.

Approximately 6 years later, I realized that I no longer had the power. Edith had taken complete control and stole that power away from me.

After years in recovery I can now see that I finally have true power. I have taken back my life and control of it. Food, exercise, medications do not control me. I am no longer focusing on these things every waking moment of every day. This is not to say that it isn't still a daily struggle, but it is no longer all-consuming.

I am a powerful woman. Not because I am thin, but because I finally have taken back control!

What to Do?

I am at a loss as to what my next step in life is!

I am contemplating some major changes in career and lifestyle. I need guidance and a lot of prayer.

I have been praying for a "sign." Although I have several ideas, there hasn't been a big neon arrow pointing the way.

What constitutes a sign? Does it have to be something big and blaring? Do I have be be knocked upside the head with a mallet? Will some prophet come and tell me what to do? I would welcome just about any of these, and I think I got some this summer.

1. I was injured at work, a job that I loved at times and couldn't stand at others. Things were getting rough there and the atmosphere was pretty toxic. I was injured and in the hospital when I got the call that I was no longer their employee. I was angry, I was hurt, no I was furious. Not really that I had lost the job, but the way that I was informed about it while sitting in my hospital bed.
2. Next I was sidelined with the fact that I would need surgery on my foot and that I could not walk or drive for 2 months. I was upset, scared and frustrated.
3. Next I was informed that the first surgery did not work, and that I would need another. This would add 8 more weeks to my recovery. I was devastated, defeated and demoralized.
4. Finally, 10 weeks after the initial injury, I have not received one check from unemployment or from worker's compensation. We were running our house on a tight budget before I lost my job and now we have only one income. I am undone.

I think I have finally got the hint..."Slow down Rachel and focus on what is important."

1. Myself-I need to take time to nurture myself and be as healthy and strong as I can be. I need to care for my inner and outer health. This means claiming victory over Edith, control of my physical health, and finally facing the demons of childhood sexual abuse. I am the only one that can do this. I have been and will continue to fight!
2. My marriage-I have put a lot of burdens on my husband that have been unfair. He is not responsible for my recovery, I am. He is not responsible for my happiness, I am. He is an amazing man to have put up with me and my "issues" over the years. He is not my savior, he is my partner. I have had some fun re-connecting with him this summer and re-defining our roles.
3. My children-I have two of the most amazing young men living in my house. They are growing and changing and struggling right under my nose. I have been so busy working and fighting illnesses that I have missed out on a lot of their development. I have tried to be a good mother, but this summer I have had the opportunity to actually be that good mother. I am so looking forward to seeing the kind of men they will become and being a part of their futures.

With my priorities in order, I can face whatever comes my way. Thank you God for the neon sign, the whack over the head and the voice of truth!

Onward and Upward!