Another Bump in the Road

Today I am having a kidney biopsy to determine whether I am rejecting my new kidney. It seems that every time I think I am going to have a nice smooth and straight road in front of me, here comes another bump in the way.

I have had a blood clot, a rejection episode, a hernia, problems with my bloodwork and medications, and 5 kidney biopsies. Each time I think, "what now? Haven't I been through enough?" I feel sorry for myself, and think that I don't deserve it. I have tried to change my way of thinking.

By hitting those "bumps" along the way makes me slow down, just like speed bumps on the road, and look at all of the good around me. I am blessed to have received my transplant, I have a beautiful family, wonderful friends, and a new love. So what if I hit a few bumps along the way, the trip is well worth it.

New Year...New Life?

My new year started on October 7, 2012 when I received my new kidney and pancreas. I don't think that when the calendar switched from 2012 to 2013 that anything magically changed. I believe that significant life altering changes occur on the most ordinary days of the year. Did I know that when I fell asleep on my couch on Saturday, October 6, 2012 that my life would change a few hours later? No, I didn't. Did anything change at 12:01 AM on Tuesday, January 1, 2013? No, it didn't. Life changes in those little moments in between. It isn't always during monumental changes like life saving surgery, sometimes it is in a glance from a stranger that later becomes a friend. Sometimes it is making a "wrong" turn and ending up in the "right" place. Sometimes it is in changing one's mind for "one last time." I look forward to all of the things that life has to offer, and for each step into my "New Life."

Liking Myself

I'll admit it, I struggle with liking myself. 

I really don't remember a time that this wasn't a struggle. I have had moments where I felt good about myself. I have had moments where I feel pretty. I have even had a few moments where I felt proud of myself. It has never been easy though.


I went through an extended period of time where I was feeling good and strong, confident in myself. I then let the circumstances of my life knock me down. My husband leaving was really hard and I blamed him for my feelings of inadequacy. 


It wasn't/isn't his fault. I let myself start to listen to the old "tapes" that played in my head for most of my life. Tapes that said I wasn't good enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough. Tapes that left me trapped, unable to move forward, unable to strive for something more. 


I am making a choice right now that says I am ENOUGH. I am the best "me" I can be. 

Affirmation

If I can endure for this minute whatever is happening to me, no matter how heavy my heart is or how dark the moment might be...

If I can but keep on believing what I know in my heart to be true...

That darkness will fade with morning and that this will pass away too...

Then nothing can ever disturb me or fill me with uncertain fear...

For as sure as night brings dawning, my morning is bound to appear...

Thank you "Something Fishy" for this affirmation, and many of the others.

Affirmation

I have decided to start posting affirmations again, this is  a good one to start with:

Though no one can go back and make a new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end.

Comparing Myself

Comparing myself to other women has always been a downfall of mine.

"I'm not as pretty as her."
"I'm not as smart as her."
"I'm not as alluring as her."
"My body isn't as good as her."
"I will never be as good as her."
"She is blonder than me."
"She is taller than me."
"She is...than me."

It can become a never-ending loop. One that I can never win. There will ALWAYS be someone that is "more than." There will ALWAYS be someone that is "better than" me at something.

I can only be the best "me" there is. I do not compare to anyone else, because there is no one else like me. I am okay, just the way I am. Comparing myself to others will only bring me pain, and do me no good.

I am me, and that just has to be enough!

Real Strength

I have recently been feeling GREAT about my body. I am getting stronger every day. If you haven't followed my blog, here is a run down:

• In May 2010 I broke my foot
• I had surgery on it and an external fixation device was put in
• That didn't work, so another surgery in July was performed to fuse the bones of my foot together
• In September I was FINALLY able to bear weight on my foot...I broke my ankle almost immediately
• Another surgery on my ankle
• I was in the hospital for over a month with severe anemia, congestive heart failure and kidney disease
• In November, after 6 months, I began walking and driving again
• In January it was determined my my kidneys had completely failed and that I would need to go on dialysis

And now I am feeling pretty good about my body! It may be a bit saggy in spots. It may have scars in others. But I am proud of them. They show that I am a survivor. That I can handle anything life throws at me and come out on top!

I don't have the body of a 20 something anymore, but I have the body of a 40 year old and I couldn't be more proud!

I have found a strength that I didn't know was there, and I will draw on that in the days/weeks/months and years to come!

Happiness

"As I walk this land of broken dreams,

I have visions of many things.

Love's happiness is just an illusion,

Filled with sadness and confusion. 

What becomes of the broken-hearted

Who had love that's now departed?

I know I've got to find

Some kind of peace of mind."

~Jimmy Ruffin, "What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted"

This song gets stuck in my head sometimes. And I think it is because I used to believe it. "...happiness is just an illusion." I didn't really understand true happiness, because I was so used to pretending to be happy. That mask became such a part of me that I couldn't tell what was real and what was an act. 

These days, I have found true happiness, true JOY! It is really weird, at 39 years of age, and after 18 years of marriage, I finally get it. I have found joy inside of me and in the relationships that I have developed.  I am not reliant on any person for that happiness/joy, but they surely have helped me to experience it in abundance.

Permission

Today I gave myself permission to be lazy! Not to say that I haven't been lazy before, I have, many times in fact. This time was different. There was no guilt or shame in it. I lazed by the pool, swam a bit, but basically just laid in the sun and enjoyed the peace and quiet.

I still have work that needs to be done, and it will, but I just wanted some time to enjoy the outdoors. I wanted to take advantage of the fact that I live in Florida, and we have a huge pool in our community that beckons.

Sometimes it is good, just to BE!

Happy summer everyone!

Yuck

This is what I felt like this morning.

Like I had been knocked down, face first in the mud and I was being run over by untold number of feet. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to hide away.

It's been a long time since I have felt this discouraged, this defeated. I didn't want to fight it, I wanted to curl up inside of it.

I didn't. I got up, I took my son to school. I washed dishes, and did some laundry. I did some prep work for dinner tonight and I sat outside soaking up the sun for a bit. I took a bath, did my hair and makeup and even put on a dress and sandals. I went to the doctor and Flory (the nurse) said, "you have a hot date or somethin'? You look GREAT!" I smiled and said, "nope, just felt like crap today and decided if I couldn't feel good inside, I would look good on the outside. Fake it 'til you make it!" She smiled as she left the room.

This of course made me stop and think. I did feel better. I thought I looked pretty darn good, and I got even more confirmation of that fact from Rosia (the receptionist) as I left.

Sometimes we do need to put on that smile and muscle through the "mud" in our lives. Get up, wipe it off and soldier on. No one ever said the road to recovery was easy, but I think it is much easier with a little bit of makeup and a nice smile.

Excuse me while I brush out the last bit of mud from my hair, I am feeling pretty darn good right about now!

Simple Pleasures

Today I am reminded of the simple pleasures in life once again.

I had my catheter in my chest removed. It was used to administer dialysis, now I have what is called a fistula in my arm. With the removal of the catheter I can do things I haven't been able to do since January. I can swim, bathe, and shower! I am so excited I can barely contain myself.

Each day is a blessing and a gift from God. I appreciate so much about my life and life in general.

I have said it before, but my sons are the light of my life. Even though they are teenagers, and it isn't always easy to navigate this difficult stage, I love them so much. I love to see the differences in them as they grow up and become their own men. I love to sit and have deep, intelligent conversations with them. Even when we argue, afterward I can appreciate that they have their own ideas and opinions.

I choose to find joy in every aspect of my life.

Affirmation

I no longer need to spend large blocks of time obsessing.

Perspective

You are at a yard sale. You see an old, ugly, worn out rocking chair. You think to yourself, "who would ever buy such a thing."

Let's change perspective.

The lady that put it out there, just lost her mother and is cleaning out her house. She didn't want to put the chair out, but she lived far away and didn't have room in her small apartment. The chair was her mother's favorite. She rocked her babies in it when they came home from the hospital. She held them there when they were sick. She sat in it each night by the fire, knitting blankets for the local homeless shelter. She held her grandchildren there the first time she met each of them. 

The arms are worn from her hands holding onto them over the years. There are stains on the seat from spilled milk or juice. There is a missing spindle on the back where that same daughter had thrown a baseball at it many years ago. The age, wear and tear on this chair are signs of love.

This chair is beautiful.

I have looked at my body over the years and have seen the wear and tear on it. I have seen ugliness and scars. I have hated everything about it. 

I have changed my perspective.

My body does bear scars, and stretch marks, these are from bearing my beautiful sons. My body stretched and changed with each of their pregnancies. I delivered each of them by Cesarean Section. What beautiful, amazing scars!

My body is amazing, what great things it has done for me. It took me to the great outdoors, hiking, camping, rappelling. It walked me down the aisle to marry the man of my dreams. It bore me children. It danced the night away with friends. 

This body is beautiful.

Affirmation

I like myself today. I am aware of possibilities for improvement, but I don't want to be anyone else. I am comfortable and accepting of who I am. I can forgive my mistakes and move on to try again.

Affirmation

Positive or negative... the choice is mine!

Affirmation

Today I can take a small risk in the interest of enriching my life.

Affirmation

I grow by doing what’s hard to do.

Just Breathe

Pain is hard to handle, whether it be physical or emotional. I hurt my back recently and have been in excruciating pain.The kind of pain that catches my breath every time I move. The kind of pain that sent nausea racing through my stomach when I tried to stand up. The kind of pain that eclipsed everything else I encountered.

A friend gave me some advice, to just BREATHE. She has suffered with chronic pain and said that sometimes that is the only thing that works. Long, slow, deep breaths. Breathing out the bad air and taking in the good. Out with the bad, in with the good, out with the bad, etc., etc.

This is something I also learned in therapy. Deep breathing, connecting with my emotions and inner self. I would sprawl out on a chair or lie down on a couch with the rest of my group and we would listen to meditation CDs and be directed to breathe in through our noses, out through our mouths. Over and over until we felt at peace, I usually fell asleep and it was very restorative.

I have come back to that healthy coping mechanism and feel myself healing, I can feel the restorative benifits relieving the tension in my back. It hasn't completely gone away, but I can feel it working.

When you encounter a painful situation or memory, remember, JUST BREATHE.

Affirmation

How overwhelmed we feel when we anticipate the future, all that needs doing, all the tasks, the work, the potential problems, the responsibilities. I will stay in the present moment, and the past and future will fall naturally and easily into place.

Affirmation

I will embrace the changes taking place in me now. They are good.