Another Bump in the Road

Today I am having a kidney biopsy to determine whether I am rejecting my new kidney. It seems that every time I think I am going to have a nice smooth and straight road in front of me, here comes another bump in the way.

I have had a blood clot, a rejection episode, a hernia, problems with my bloodwork and medications, and 5 kidney biopsies. Each time I think, "what now? Haven't I been through enough?" I feel sorry for myself, and think that I don't deserve it. I have tried to change my way of thinking.

By hitting those "bumps" along the way makes me slow down, just like speed bumps on the road, and look at all of the good around me. I am blessed to have received my transplant, I have a beautiful family, wonderful friends, and a new love. So what if I hit a few bumps along the way, the trip is well worth it.

Overcoming

I have overcome a lot in my life, and I am so grateful for all of the struggles I have faced. They have made me the strong, capable, independent woman I am today.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't choose to go through abuse, illness, divorce, depression and a child with depression, an eating disorder or the many complications associated with these things. But I am who I am because of my ability to live with and overcome them.

I've been asked how I can endure so much pain and still remain positive, and to that I answer, it isn't easy. It takes a lot of fight and hard work. I was a very happy, positive and upbeat little girl. Then life happened and I became more negative, always wondering what else could possibly go wrong? When was the torment going to end?

I had to make a choice to not look at the bad, and to look at the positive. Sometimes the only positive thing I can find is that I survived the situation. That alone is enough. I refuse to give up and give in to the ugliness. I am a survivor and I will go on. Being negative and sullen doesn't improve anything, if anything it makes it worse. I will choose to see the good in the world and continue on with my life with love, laughter and joy.

My kids would tell you that I am obsessed with 3 little words and I have them all over my home. "Live, Laugh, Love" They are popular in home decor items and I have found them inspiring. I will LIVE my life to the fullest. I will LAUGH often. I will LOVE much!

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself.
Sometimes I wonder, why me?
Sometimes I am angry at the world.
Sometimes I want to give up.
Sometimes I can't stop crying.
Sometimes I feel so alone.


Sometimes...

But not all the time.

Sometimes I feel like there is so much to fight for.
Sometimes I am happy.
Sometimes I feel loved.
Sometimes I know that tomorrow will be better.
Sometimes I know there is a reason to fight.
Sometimes I want to live.
Sometimes I laugh uncontrollably.
Sometimes I know I have a purpose.

Sometimes...

But not all the time.

Happiness

"As I walk this land of broken dreams,

I have visions of many things.

Love's happiness is just an illusion,

Filled with sadness and confusion. 

What becomes of the broken-hearted

Who had love that's now departed?

I know I've got to find

Some kind of peace of mind."

~Jimmy Ruffin, "What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted"

This song gets stuck in my head sometimes. And I think it is because I used to believe it. "...happiness is just an illusion." I didn't really understand true happiness, because I was so used to pretending to be happy. That mask became such a part of me that I couldn't tell what was real and what was an act. 

These days, I have found true happiness, true JOY! It is really weird, at 39 years of age, and after 18 years of marriage, I finally get it. I have found joy inside of me and in the relationships that I have developed.  I am not reliant on any person for that happiness/joy, but they surely have helped me to experience it in abundance.

Playing Around!

Today my kids had some friends over for a pool party. There were a LOT of them, and they were messy and loud, and silly and funny. I had so much fun watching them play around, bouncing beach balls around and jumping into the pool with cannon balls, laughing in the hot tub and eating like a swarm of locusts!

It reminded me to live in the moment and to have fun, to attack life with abandon and to stick close with my friends.

I loved it! I am very happy to have their friends over. We may not have the largest or the most "perfectly" decorated home, but their friends know they are welcome here.

I love just "playing around" and enjoying life instead of always worrying about what others might think of me if I am silly.

Permission

Today I gave myself permission to be lazy! Not to say that I haven't been lazy before, I have, many times in fact. This time was different. There was no guilt or shame in it. I lazed by the pool, swam a bit, but basically just laid in the sun and enjoyed the peace and quiet.

I still have work that needs to be done, and it will, but I just wanted some time to enjoy the outdoors. I wanted to take advantage of the fact that I live in Florida, and we have a huge pool in our community that beckons.

Sometimes it is good, just to BE!

Happy summer everyone!

Simple Pleasures

Today I am reminded of the simple pleasures in life once again.

I had my catheter in my chest removed. It was used to administer dialysis, now I have what is called a fistula in my arm. With the removal of the catheter I can do things I haven't been able to do since January. I can swim, bathe, and shower! I am so excited I can barely contain myself.

Each day is a blessing and a gift from God. I appreciate so much about my life and life in general.

I have said it before, but my sons are the light of my life. Even though they are teenagers, and it isn't always easy to navigate this difficult stage, I love them so much. I love to see the differences in them as they grow up and become their own men. I love to sit and have deep, intelligent conversations with them. Even when we argue, afterward I can appreciate that they have their own ideas and opinions.

I choose to find joy in every aspect of my life.

Affirmation

I will not try to complicate things or try to figure it all out. The answer is simple. I will look into my heart.

Affirmation

I can sit down in a quiet place and get in touch with myself.

Affirmation

All the wonders I seek are within myself.

Affirmation

I am free to do and enjoy the good things that come my way, and I am equipped to deal with inevitable problems.

Love Me For Who I Am

Everyone wants to be loved for who they are. To find those people that look at the inside instead of the outside. I have had periods in my life where I felt like no one really knew the real me. I felt like I had to be someone else for them to like me. In the end, the true friends I have made, know who I am and love me anyway. Take a listen and enjoy the young girl's take on being loved for who you are.

Surprise!

This afternoon I got a knock on my door, I thought that my son was home and forgot his key. I was a bit perturbed, but as I corralled my dogs and answered the door I found it was my sweet elderly neighbor. I wasn't in the mood to entertain since I really wanted a nap. She just wanted to stop by and bring us some food. She is always making us dinner, or bringing us desserts, it is so sweet. Today she was at the store and in the produce aisle she got some BOGO deals and brought the freebies to us! Isn't that sweet?

Sometimes when someone comes a'knockin' at the door, and you just don't feel like answering it, remember that it could be some good freebies! This is a prime example of why I am blessed, I have friends that think of me even when they are walking down the produce aisle!

Up Early

I am up early. Don't you hate it when you wake up BEFORE your alarm? It is extremely annoying!

I have decided to take advantage of it and reflect on events of this past week. I spoke of something big that our family was facing, it was HUGE for all of us, but especially a new member of our family. (This is my family of origin, not a baby in MY family). We are all rejoicing and are extremely happy.

A lot of times you can plan for your future, but sometimes life throws you a curve-ball, and you just have to swing for the fences! We did and hit a grand slam! (Kind of funny that I am using a baseball analogy!)

I just wanted to let you know that I have really come a long way, I have accepted change with joy and anticipation. I do not fear the outcome or the future. Embrace change my friends, it is a good thing. It can bring great joy if you allow it!

Positive Outlook

I have had many people comment on my positive outlook on things in times of great pain and suffering. Let me tell you this, it isn't easy! I have said before that my first reaction is to go to the negative, to think the absolute worst will happen.

I have made a decision in my life, to think of how I am blessed. I have a fantastic family, my husband and children are amazing and their love for me is enough to remind me of joy. I have an incredible mother and siblings, I know that they "have my back" if I need anything at all. I have friends that I know would do anything for me and are a great support. I have a heavenly father that loves me unconditionally and only wants the best for me as I fulfill His purpose.

I could think about all the bad that has come into my life, evil things even. I could say, why me? I could lament that it isn't fair and that no one should go through any of these things, let alone ALL of them. Would this help the situation? Would these make me heal faster? Would it change the outcome? Would I feel better?

NO!

Studies have shown how a positive attitude can help in the healing process. I choose to be happy, to seek joy, to count my blessings if you will.

That is how I maintain a positive attitude. This isn't to say that there are days that I am down and angry, I just choose to acknowledge those feelings and move on. Feel free to join me on my journey to discovering joy, it can't hurt, can it?