New Year...New Life?

My new year started on October 7, 2012 when I received my new kidney and pancreas. I don't think that when the calendar switched from 2012 to 2013 that anything magically changed. I believe that significant life altering changes occur on the most ordinary days of the year. Did I know that when I fell asleep on my couch on Saturday, October 6, 2012 that my life would change a few hours later? No, I didn't. Did anything change at 12:01 AM on Tuesday, January 1, 2013? No, it didn't. Life changes in those little moments in between. It isn't always during monumental changes like life saving surgery, sometimes it is in a glance from a stranger that later becomes a friend. Sometimes it is making a "wrong" turn and ending up in the "right" place. Sometimes it is in changing one's mind for "one last time." I look forward to all of the things that life has to offer, and for each step into my "New Life."

Loving MY Life

I have blogged about my struggle with self esteem and what that means to me.

I have been blatantly honest with how I often fail at loving myself.

I have told you about how much I have hated myself and my body.

I have discussed how badly I have wanted a different life.

Today I am pledging (again) to love the life I have now, not waiting for what I think will make me happy. I will be content with my life, even while striving to better myself and my life. Just because I love my life doesn't mean that I won't continue to work for more, it just means that I won't put my life on hold until I get it.

This is a group that has come into my life through my son, I am 50Million. I love what they teach, and what they have done for him. I have learned via the "osmosis" of living with him and going to some of their classes. Here is a status that they posted today on facebook that made me stop and think:

"A key to absolute happiness is to learn how to Love the life you have right "now". Your life is "now". This life that is truly not missing anything. It might have areas we don't like but it has everything it needs. We have this life right now and we could live in bliss if we can learn how to Love it for all it is. With all we like and dislike, we can still find true Love for this life. We spend so much time wanting our "desired life" or a "future life". That future doesn't exist right "now" and as important as it is to have goals these should not overshadow this life... this "now". True Love is about acceptance and today is a great day to find Love for the life that you have right "now". All we have is the "now" and if you can Love your life in it... you will live with a peace that others only dream of. Love with everything that is you. We strive to Love everything in this "now", for you are and I am 50Million"

Racing Thoughts

I get racing thoughts. Things go through my head so fast I can barely focus on any one thing. I go from something about my dogs, to something I need to get at the store, to something about my health, to something about my shoes. It can be exhausting.

Through some of my past therapies I learned a way to make them stop. I am to imagine a symbol that will stop the thoughts, I chose a stop sign. Original, huh? It works though. I just visualize a stop sign, I make a full stop in my brain and I can focus on what needs to be done. I can't say that I use this all the time, but when I do it is very helpful.

I thought I would start sharing some of the tools that I have found useful over the course of my journey. Let me know if you have any tips on making those thoughts "STOP."

Permission

Today I gave myself permission to be lazy! Not to say that I haven't been lazy before, I have, many times in fact. This time was different. There was no guilt or shame in it. I lazed by the pool, swam a bit, but basically just laid in the sun and enjoyed the peace and quiet.

I still have work that needs to be done, and it will, but I just wanted some time to enjoy the outdoors. I wanted to take advantage of the fact that I live in Florida, and we have a huge pool in our community that beckons.

Sometimes it is good, just to BE!

Happy summer everyone!

Dreamin'

I have many dreams for my future and for the future of those I love.

• I would love to have enough money to pay for my kids to go to college and graduate with no debt.
• I want my children to find a love to last a lifetime.
• I want my family to enjoy these last few years we will be a unit.
• I want good health for all of us.
• I want a clean house, ALWAYS, not just the days I am having company.
• I want to find a new, meaningful career.
• I want a new kidney!

These are all good dreams, some are easily attained, whereas others, may take a bit of work. I can still dream them. It takes the dream/wish/desire to start the ball rolling on these things.

It is fun to be fully present in my life, and still be able to dream about the future. Edith is not consuming my every waking thought, and my dreams/nightmares in my sleep. I am no longer trapped in the "what ifs" or the "somedays." I can let the past go, live life today, and be excited about tomorrow.

Affirmation

I will determine my priorities today to avoid confusion.

Just Breathe

Pain is hard to handle, whether it be physical or emotional. I hurt my back recently and have been in excruciating pain.The kind of pain that catches my breath every time I move. The kind of pain that sent nausea racing through my stomach when I tried to stand up. The kind of pain that eclipsed everything else I encountered.

A friend gave me some advice, to just BREATHE. She has suffered with chronic pain and said that sometimes that is the only thing that works. Long, slow, deep breaths. Breathing out the bad air and taking in the good. Out with the bad, in with the good, out with the bad, etc., etc.

This is something I also learned in therapy. Deep breathing, connecting with my emotions and inner self. I would sprawl out on a chair or lie down on a couch with the rest of my group and we would listen to meditation CDs and be directed to breathe in through our noses, out through our mouths. Over and over until we felt at peace, I usually fell asleep and it was very restorative.

I have come back to that healthy coping mechanism and feel myself healing, I can feel the restorative benifits relieving the tension in my back. It hasn't completely gone away, but I can feel it working.

When you encounter a painful situation or memory, remember, JUST BREATHE.

Affirmation

How overwhelmed we feel when we anticipate the future, all that needs doing, all the tasks, the work, the potential problems, the responsibilities. I will stay in the present moment, and the past and future will fall naturally and easily into place.