Another Bump in the Road

Today I am having a kidney biopsy to determine whether I am rejecting my new kidney. It seems that every time I think I am going to have a nice smooth and straight road in front of me, here comes another bump in the way.

I have had a blood clot, a rejection episode, a hernia, problems with my bloodwork and medications, and 5 kidney biopsies. Each time I think, "what now? Haven't I been through enough?" I feel sorry for myself, and think that I don't deserve it. I have tried to change my way of thinking.

By hitting those "bumps" along the way makes me slow down, just like speed bumps on the road, and look at all of the good around me. I am blessed to have received my transplant, I have a beautiful family, wonderful friends, and a new love. So what if I hit a few bumps along the way, the trip is well worth it.

Moving On

When my husband said he was leaving, he said it was time for him to "move on." I didn't understand, and still don't totally understand, but I had to accept it. I really didn't have a choice, the only other option was to continue screaming and crying. Which I did a lot of. I loved him, and still do, but I have learned that it is now time for me to "move on" as well. It is not something I would have chosen, but it is the healthiest thing for me to do now.


I am actually starting to love my life again. I can now do what I want without having to ask someone else's opinion. I can choose to spend the day in my pajamas or save the dishes for tomorrow without feeling like I am letting someone down. (not that he was saying it, I was the one feeling it)


I have wanted to go back to Ohio to visit my family, and because he had another commitment, I had to miss a trip last year. Not this year, I am going back to a camp reunion and to see my mom, sister and brothers. 


It is time for him to live the life he has always wanted, and for me to do so as well. 


Our marriage produced two beautiful children and a friendship that I think will last a lifetime. It won't be the same, but I know that if I were in trouble, he would be there. There is no reason for us to fight, because we are both "moving on."

Overwhelmed

I have been a bit overwhelmed lately. It is the start of a new school year and my oldest son is a Senior this year. I am very busy running my other son all over the place for all of his activities. Add to that the fact that I am running everywhere still trying to get on a transplant list.

Oh yeah, and I am turning 40, yeah, that's right...F-O-R-T-Y! Yikes!

Really though, that doesn't bother me at all. I just am surprised that I am that old. I often feel like 18 was just yesterday and I can't believe I am about to have both an 18 and 17 year old son!


I am ready for Fall and all that it brings, not that it brings cool temps and pretty leaves down here in Florida, but it is still my favorite season. It is still what I consider as my new year, forget January 1st!

Happy New Year everyone!

Playing Around!

Today my kids had some friends over for a pool party. There were a LOT of them, and they were messy and loud, and silly and funny. I had so much fun watching them play around, bouncing beach balls around and jumping into the pool with cannon balls, laughing in the hot tub and eating like a swarm of locusts!

It reminded me to live in the moment and to have fun, to attack life with abandon and to stick close with my friends.

I loved it! I am very happy to have their friends over. We may not have the largest or the most "perfectly" decorated home, but their friends know they are welcome here.

I love just "playing around" and enjoying life instead of always worrying about what others might think of me if I am silly.

Dreamin'

I have many dreams for my future and for the future of those I love.

• I would love to have enough money to pay for my kids to go to college and graduate with no debt.
• I want my children to find a love to last a lifetime.
• I want my family to enjoy these last few years we will be a unit.
• I want good health for all of us.
• I want a clean house, ALWAYS, not just the days I am having company.
• I want to find a new, meaningful career.
• I want a new kidney!

These are all good dreams, some are easily attained, whereas others, may take a bit of work. I can still dream them. It takes the dream/wish/desire to start the ball rolling on these things.

It is fun to be fully present in my life, and still be able to dream about the future. Edith is not consuming my every waking thought, and my dreams/nightmares in my sleep. I am no longer trapped in the "what ifs" or the "somedays." I can let the past go, live life today, and be excited about tomorrow.

Simple Pleasures

Today I am reminded of the simple pleasures in life once again.

I had my catheter in my chest removed. It was used to administer dialysis, now I have what is called a fistula in my arm. With the removal of the catheter I can do things I haven't been able to do since January. I can swim, bathe, and shower! I am so excited I can barely contain myself.

Each day is a blessing and a gift from God. I appreciate so much about my life and life in general.

I have said it before, but my sons are the light of my life. Even though they are teenagers, and it isn't always easy to navigate this difficult stage, I love them so much. I love to see the differences in them as they grow up and become their own men. I love to sit and have deep, intelligent conversations with them. Even when we argue, afterward I can appreciate that they have their own ideas and opinions.

I choose to find joy in every aspect of my life.

Playin' Games

I like to play games online, mostly silly little puzzle games. Yesterday my son asked me if I wanted to play Scrabble online, and I decided to go ahead. It has been fun teasing back and forth and just having fun. I have a tendency to to be very competitive, so I don't usually play games with other people online. I don't want them to see my "dark side." I gave up all of those farming games because they took up too much of my time as I tried to be better than everyone else.

That is how it is with eating disorders. They are very competitive. Often girls will go on a "diet" together, and suddenly the competition comes out in them. They think they are encouraging each other, and maybe in the beginning they are, but it can change. The fun and games of "I lost 3 pounds this week," and "I ran 5 miles today," becomes an obsession. It can turn dangerous very quickly. It also happens in inpatient programs at hospitals or in group therapy sessions. That is why it is VERY important that a professional is there to keep everyone from using trigger words or statements and to divert the conversation if it becomes all about weight.

Group therapy works wonders, it did a lot for me. If for no other reason than I felt like I wasn't a freak of nature, because there were others like me. It also helps to get someone else's perspective on your situation, to have someone hold that mirror up to you and make you see what you have been missing. I just want to really encourage you if you are battling an eating disorder, to seek professional help.

Sometimes it is good to play my games alone, and other times it is great to play with a friend (or a son).

Up Early

I am up early. Don't you hate it when you wake up BEFORE your alarm? It is extremely annoying!

I have decided to take advantage of it and reflect on events of this past week. I spoke of something big that our family was facing, it was HUGE for all of us, but especially a new member of our family. (This is my family of origin, not a baby in MY family). We are all rejoicing and are extremely happy.

A lot of times you can plan for your future, but sometimes life throws you a curve-ball, and you just have to swing for the fences! We did and hit a grand slam! (Kind of funny that I am using a baseball analogy!)

I just wanted to let you know that I have really come a long way, I have accepted change with joy and anticipation. I do not fear the outcome or the future. Embrace change my friends, it is a good thing. It can bring great joy if you allow it!

Cleaning up My Life

I was scrubbing my stove this morning, and I started thinking about my life. I have really done some major housework on my life in the last year.


I have decided to take care of myself fully, in every way. I try to sleep as needed, eat healthy meals, take my medications as directed, see my doctors regularly and ask for help when it is required. I have decided to enjoy life and to let go of the negativity that has plagued me most of my life. In every situation I have a choice to make in how I respond. My general nature takes me to the negative, but I choose the positive outlook, it makes a big difference. (More on that in another blog). I have decided to let go of unhealthy relationships. I no longer have any contact with the man that abused me. That decision in itself changed my life. I feel freer than I ever have before. Finally, I have decided to allow God the control that I know He so greatly desires, and that I need. I cannot control a lot of what is happening to me right now, but I trust that my God is taking care of me and has a plan for my life. He desires great things for me and by trusting in that, I can live a full life without the need to try and control every situation. 


Psalm 59:17
You are my strength, I sing praise to you; you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely.


Now I need to go and do some laundry!

Eating Disorder-Counting my Blessings

Today I am reminded of the phrase:
"There is always someone worse off than you."

I really don't like this phrase so much, as it implies that someone else is suffering even more than I am, especially when I am feeling so low.

It is a true statement though. I have had a miserably rough few months, surgery, being injured, losing my job, two more surgeries, and being confined to a wheelchair through most of it. Now I am facing some eye issues that are going to be rough. I am blessed though. My kids are relatively healthy, my husband has a good job, my family loves me and I have great friends and a wonderful support system.

These past few weeks I have watched as one of my dearest friends growing up has taken on the battle of Pediatric Cancer with her 12 year old daughter. I cannot imagine the pain that entails. I also am overwhelmed with how much I love this little girl and I have never met her. Her mom and I lost touch for a long time and through the miracle that is social networking, have only recently re-connected. I pray for this family every day and know that their fight is much more challenging than my own.

I also have been praying for a little boy that I have never met, his name is Sam. My sister told me about this little boy, and I have been following his progress with Pediatric Cancer through CaringBridge. He lost his battle last week, and even though the family has faith that he is no longer in pain and in the arms of a Loving God, they miss him very much.

There are others that have lost their homes to devastating floods in Iowa. There are people that have lost their families entire way of life on the Gulf Coast. There is suffering everywhere.

I have an eating disorder, I suffer from depression, but I am truly blessed to be who I am and where I am today.

Child Abuse, the Impact: Fear

I have lived in fear for most of my life. Whether there is a real threat or not, the fear remained.

I was afraid of being left alone. I was afraid of large crowds. I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid of loving. I was afraid of being loved, and it ending. I was afraid no one would ever love me. I was afraid of dying. I was afraid of living.

The list goes on and on.

When you are a child whose innocence and wonder of the world is stripped away, it is hard to ever feel safe again.

I have suffered in many ways beyond the actual abuse. I have also suffered many other hardships in my life. There has been a near constant need to flee or fight. Those moments that happened nearly 30 years ago left in me with that constant fear that it could happen again and that I had to find a way to keep myself safe.

I have constructed walls around myself to ensure that no one could really get to know the real me. It took almost 10 years of marriage for me to really start to let my husband behind those walls and nearly seven years later to let him truly see the real me down to my core.

I have told my story to countless people, I believe that by being open about it I am not becoming a statistic and becoming an offender myself. (There have been studies on people that were molested and the likelihood of them becoming abusive themselves. I know for a fact that my abuser was abused as a child and suppressed the memory. I think that had he been able to tell someone and talk about it, he may not have committed the crimes he did. That is not an excuse for what he did, but an explanation.)

After having said that, friends and loved ones may have known my story, but very few really knew me. I was afraid if they did know me they would not like me at all.

Fear has made me hide myself away at times. I have had times in my life where I didn't leave my bed unless I absolutely had to. I would get up to go to the bathroom, and to make dinner for the family and then go back to bed to eat. I would sometimes even let my kids make the food themselves once they were old enough and would spend the entire day in bed.

Other times I was afraid of being alone and I would constantly be out and about. I would go shopping, to restaurants, to fairs, wherever people were. If you notice where I chose to go, I was not going to be with friends, I just wanted people around me.

I have released a lot of the fear, and thanks to people that have become real friends, I am continuing to let go. My husband has helped me a lot. He has helped me to let go of people that are not in my life to help me, but to keep me down. He has helped give me wings to try new things and to try things I have been afraid to do before. He has done a lot for me, but the biggest change has been what I have done for myself.

I have so much more strength and bravery in me that I didn't know was there. I have talents and gifts to share with others, and I know they want to know about them. I have become open to love, letting it in and giving it out.

I have no reason to fear, I am Rachel and I can do anything I set my mind to!

Child Abuse, the Impact: Self Worth

I have stated before that I struggle with self worth and shame.

I was very young when I was first molested, 10 years old. I didn't understand what was happening, but I knew that it was wrong and that I felt like a "bad girl" for allowing it to happen. As the years passed I felt worse and worse about myself. The shame was overwhelming.

On the outside I put on a happy/brave face. I didn't let anyone know how incredibly ugly, dirty, bad, hurt and ashamed I was. I was able to hide it from everyone until I couldn't do it anymore.

I had to tell someone and I decided to tell my best friend Rachael at that time. She knew what I was going through, because she had told her mother the same thing before me. She would not keep my secret and forced me to tell my mom.

This was the best thing I ever did. To let someone know I was being hurt and that I couldn't take it anymore. That was all I let them know.

The pain, shame, and ugliness I felt lay hidden deep. It influenced every choice I made after that. I tried to bury it and be the happy girl everyone thought I should be. I was perky to the point of annoyance, I know, but I felt that if I didn't put that mask on people would see the ugly me beneath it.

I picked a college that I knew I would get into. I chose a career that I knew people thought I should. I dropped out of college because I was so eager for people to like me that I neglected my studies.

I did things to attract boys and keep them around that I didn't want to do. I smoked because my friends did. I hid my hatred of myself from them, and let things happen sexually that I was not prepared for.

I did these things and many more, all to keep friends in my life, and boys interested. I did these things because I didn't believe I deserved better.

I have since learned that by stating my needs and letting people know the real me, I can keep friends easier. Friends that love me for me. Friends that want to be there for me, in good and bad times.

I have also learned that I was too young to make a decision about what was happening to me, and that it was not my fault. I knew this intellectually all along, but I have finally taken that knowledge into my heart.

I am a great person, friend, I'm kinda cute and I deserve to be loved for who I am.

What to Do?

I am at a loss as to what my next step in life is!

I am contemplating some major changes in career and lifestyle. I need guidance and a lot of prayer.

I have been praying for a "sign." Although I have several ideas, there hasn't been a big neon arrow pointing the way.

What constitutes a sign? Does it have to be something big and blaring? Do I have be be knocked upside the head with a mallet? Will some prophet come and tell me what to do? I would welcome just about any of these, and I think I got some this summer.

1. I was injured at work, a job that I loved at times and couldn't stand at others. Things were getting rough there and the atmosphere was pretty toxic. I was injured and in the hospital when I got the call that I was no longer their employee. I was angry, I was hurt, no I was furious. Not really that I had lost the job, but the way that I was informed about it while sitting in my hospital bed.
2. Next I was sidelined with the fact that I would need surgery on my foot and that I could not walk or drive for 2 months. I was upset, scared and frustrated.
3. Next I was informed that the first surgery did not work, and that I would need another. This would add 8 more weeks to my recovery. I was devastated, defeated and demoralized.
4. Finally, 10 weeks after the initial injury, I have not received one check from unemployment or from worker's compensation. We were running our house on a tight budget before I lost my job and now we have only one income. I am undone.

I think I have finally got the hint..."Slow down Rachel and focus on what is important."

1. Myself-I need to take time to nurture myself and be as healthy and strong as I can be. I need to care for my inner and outer health. This means claiming victory over Edith, control of my physical health, and finally facing the demons of childhood sexual abuse. I am the only one that can do this. I have been and will continue to fight!
2. My marriage-I have put a lot of burdens on my husband that have been unfair. He is not responsible for my recovery, I am. He is not responsible for my happiness, I am. He is an amazing man to have put up with me and my "issues" over the years. He is not my savior, he is my partner. I have had some fun re-connecting with him this summer and re-defining our roles.
3. My children-I have two of the most amazing young men living in my house. They are growing and changing and struggling right under my nose. I have been so busy working and fighting illnesses that I have missed out on a lot of their development. I have tried to be a good mother, but this summer I have had the opportunity to actually be that good mother. I am so looking forward to seeing the kind of men they will become and being a part of their futures.

With my priorities in order, I can face whatever comes my way. Thank you God for the neon sign, the whack over the head and the voice of truth!

Onward and Upward!