Today I want to write about power.
I started dabbling in my eating disorder (Edith) when I was about 13 years old. I, like so many other teenagers was worried about fitting in. I couldn't control the fact that my parents couldn't afford the latest name brand fads. I couldn't control where I lived. I couldn't control my life in many ways. I thought that if I was thin, people would like me because I would be beautiful. This I could control.
I began to feel like I had some of my power back that was taken away from the abuse.
Suddenly I was in control of something. That made me feel powerful.
As I said, I dabbled in it at first. Edith did not take complete control until I was about 24. At that time I was a mother to young sons. I was trying to find a job that allowed me to be home with them most of the time. I was trying to be a good wife and wasn't really sure what that meant. I was trying to manage a household budget that did not have a lot of income coming in. I was trying to be Supermom, what I thought I "should" be based on what I saw on TV and in magazines.
Suddenly, when I started controlling what went into my body and what I did with it, I really felt in control and powerful. People commented on how good I looked as I lost weight. I was thrilled to finally get the attention I had been craving.
It didn't take long for that power to be stripped away as I lost all control.
Approximately 6 years later, I realized that I no longer had the power. Edith had taken complete control and stole that power away from me.
After years in recovery I can now see that I finally have true power. I have taken back my life and control of it. Food, exercise, medications do not control me. I am no longer focusing on these things every waking moment of every day. This is not to say that it isn't still a daily struggle, but it is no longer all-consuming.
I am a powerful woman. Not because I am thin, but because I finally have taken back control!
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