Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Origin of my Eating Disorder

When I was growing up I had to finish everything on my plate. It is/was a common order from parents. There are many reasons why:
  • So their children will grow up healthy and strong
  • So they don't waste food
  • So they can taste new things and find new favorite foods
These are all noble reasons. I have caught myself doing the same thing with my kids, and then thought, you sound just like your mom!

It has been said that eating disorders aren't really about the weight. It is about control and trying to find some of that in a world that feels so out of control.

I dipped my toe in the "pool of eating disorders" in high school. I would tell my parents that I was eating at my friends' houses and tell their parents that I had eaten at home. Suddenly I had control. I started to feel lethargic and wanted to stay in bed a lot of the time.

This didn't last long, but it is something that I think was always in the back of my mind.

When I found myself, at the age of 24, mother of two, stay-at-home mom with only one car, bills piling up, a new diagnosis of Diabetes, and feelings of insecurity and fear from my childhood...the thought came back. I was so out of control and this was something I could control.

I don't blame my parents for my eating disorder, I made choices that took me down that path. There were circumstances in my childhood that led me down this path, I take full responsibility for my part.

I have found other ways to take control of my life. This is by choosing to do the following things:
  • Take my medication as prescribed
  • Eat well balanced meals
  • Exercise moderately
  • Spend time with my family and friends
  • See my therapist regularly
These are all "rules" that I have previously felt others had put on me. I now know that to be healthy, these are "rules" that help me to survive.

As I explore my past and dig deeper into the origins of my eating disorder and why I allowed it to take control, I can have victory over it.


  1. Thank you for this, Rachel. I cannot tell you how much I needed to read this. My daughter is dipping her toe in those waters now at her dad's, and it's so scary.

    Give your kids and hubby a hug from me. :)

  2. Will do! I know you are getting her some help and I am so proud of you for staying strong and being a good influence. it is not easy being a mommy, is it?