Test Results

I am on the transplant list, and I am thrilled about that. I am so excited to have the second chance at health and life.

Each year I have to go back and get the battery of tests to make sure that I am still in good enough health for the transplant. This is not something that I like to do, but it is necessary, so I do it. Last week I had all of the "lady" parts looked at, and that is my least favorite. I already struggle with that because of the abuse I suffered as a girl, but I wasn't concerned that anything was wrong.

I have to have further tests on my uterus and breasts. There were "somethings" that need to have further investigation. It reminded me not to get comfortable, to keep putting my faith in the Father. Life is not easy, and although I should want for nothing and be content in my circumstances, I know that I need to daily turn all of my fears over to Him.

I am strong, I can endure much, but I cannot endure all of this on my own. I am greatly overwhelmed right now, and I can admit that. There are days where I break down and I think, "why me?" There are then days where I feel so incredibly blessed. I am just taking it one day at a time, and some days, one minute at a time!

Valentine's Day

It is Valentine's day. A day filled with gifts. Gifts of chocolate, flowers, balloons and more. A day where people remember to take special notice of the ones they love. A day when those that are single sometimes feel the sting of that status. There is so much emphasis on being in love, falling in love and finding that perfect mate. There is so much emphasis on it that some people settle for someone that isn't right or doesn't love them back, just so that there is someone "there."

I spent a lot of time in my life searching for someone to love me for me. For someone to see inside of my soul and accept me just the way I am. I think that it is hard to find. You may find that love, but until you truly love yourself, you won't be able to accept it. If you are unsure of yourself, constantly suffering with doubt and feelings of negative self worth, you won't understand why someone could love you unconditionally. If you don't love yourself, your negative feelings outweigh the positive love that someone may feel for you.

Someone's love cannot save you, like the movies imply. You must first save yourself. A kiss from a stranger will not suddenly wake you up to some fairytale ending. The world just doesn't work that way.

There is only one that will love you unconditionally, that is waiting for you before you even know He is there. God's love is full, complete, perfect. He loved you before you were born, and will love you for all eternity. He loves you when you make mistakes, and He delights in your triumphs.

Don't go out there looking for the perfect love until you love yourself. For a bonus, accept love that is given freely without strings from a God that thinks you are perfect just the way you are.

Change of Plans

To A Mouse

The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men,
Gang aft agley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy! 

Meaning:

The best laid schemes of Mice and Men
oft go awry,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!

Robert Burns, (Poem, November, 1785)

Scottish national poet (1759 - 1796) 

Today I thought about this poem and what it means. I am a planner. I like things to go my way and get frustrated when they don't. I often think that I know best and that others just can;'t do "it" as good as I can.

I learned a lesson today, I don't always know best! A hard lesson to learn. I am in the hospital and although I thought it was time for me to go home, and some of the doctors agreed with me, it just takes one to say "nope." I guess ultimately it was a good decision as I am in quite a bit of pain after I had surgery. 

Putting my health and ultimately my life in the hands of others is hard for me. Letting go is often frightening. We, as a society, are conditioned to be independent and to take care of ourselves. If we let someone else make those decisions we feel we are considered weak. We want others to know we can handle things on our own. To show them our independence. 

As I have posted before, I now believe that true strength and courage come from acknowledging the fact that we can't do it all. That we need help and support. 

I have heard it said that if you want to make God laugh, then just make plans. His plans for us and our lives may not make sense to us, but He knows what He is doing. I am working on surrendering control and letting God take the lead. I have found in the past that although it is not the easy way, that looking back on those situations, it makes sense. 

Truly, "The best laid plans of mice and men, oft go awry." So, take some advice from a recovering "control freak," and let go!