Best Friends

Do you remember your best friend from childhood? That person that you were with every moment that you could. You shared lunches, secrets, clothes, lip gloss and dreams. When someone thought of you, they thought of her. You were so close that you considered her mother yours and she thought the same of yours. Sleepovers, campouts, shopping, giggles,  you did it all. When something good happened, she was the first person you told. When something bad happened, she was the first person you called. You were there for each other through thick and thin.

I had a couple of these friends throughout my life. They have been there for me, and I hope I was there for them. I had lost touch with most of them over the years, but the wonders of technology has brought most of them back into my life. Having shared memories has rekindled the connection we once had to some extent.

Every woman deserves a best girlfriend, someone they can talk to and open up to. My husband is probably the very best friend I have ever had, and he has certainly shouldered many burdens being my husband. He has wanted to be the hero, to swoop in and rescue me. He can't. Only I can rescue myself. THAT was a hard lesson to learn. He can be my best friend, but I need others, friends that I can laugh with and call in the middle of the night to stay with the kids when I have to go the hospital. I have a few of those friends right now that I know I could call and they would be over here in a moment's notice.

"No man is an island..." a quote from John Donne means a lot to me. I had to learn that only I could make the changes in myself, that no one could save me and make everything better. I have learned that lesson, but I have also learned another, I need friends. I need my husband, girlfriends, "couple-friends", I need professionals and I need my family, to heal fully. No one should shoulder the burden alone, we were created to function together in life.

 “And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” Ephesians 1:22-23

Valentine's Day

It is Valentine's day. A day filled with gifts. Gifts of chocolate, flowers, balloons and more. A day where people remember to take special notice of the ones they love. A day when those that are single sometimes feel the sting of that status. There is so much emphasis on being in love, falling in love and finding that perfect mate. There is so much emphasis on it that some people settle for someone that isn't right or doesn't love them back, just so that there is someone "there."

I spent a lot of time in my life searching for someone to love me for me. For someone to see inside of my soul and accept me just the way I am. I think that it is hard to find. You may find that love, but until you truly love yourself, you won't be able to accept it. If you are unsure of yourself, constantly suffering with doubt and feelings of negative self worth, you won't understand why someone could love you unconditionally. If you don't love yourself, your negative feelings outweigh the positive love that someone may feel for you.

Someone's love cannot save you, like the movies imply. You must first save yourself. A kiss from a stranger will not suddenly wake you up to some fairytale ending. The world just doesn't work that way.

There is only one that will love you unconditionally, that is waiting for you before you even know He is there. God's love is full, complete, perfect. He loved you before you were born, and will love you for all eternity. He loves you when you make mistakes, and He delights in your triumphs.

Don't go out there looking for the perfect love until you love yourself. For a bonus, accept love that is given freely without strings from a God that thinks you are perfect just the way you are.

Child Abuse, the Impact: Fear of Intimacy

Being abused in a sexual nature as a child has impacted me on many levels as previous posts have demonstrated.

• Anger
• Fear
• Self Worth

Fear of intimacy is tied into all of these others. Getting close to someone makes one vulnerable. It opens up areas of one's soul that are sometimes scary to reveal.

I am not just speaking about physical intimacy, but emotional as well. To be intimate with a friend, lover, spouse, entails letting them see the ugliness beneath the nice girl image. By letting them hear about the pain, you are opening a door that can be really scary to someone that has not gone through it.

They may not understand why it happened, or the choices you had to make during and after the abuse. They may not totally get why you are or are not okay now. It may be something that they cannot get their thoughts around and it just may be too much for them to handle.

And that in itself is why it is hard to let someone completely into your heart:

• "What if they leave?"
• "What if they take advantage of my vulnerability?"
• "What if...?"

I have told my story to a lot of people, through speaking engagements, this blog and talking with friends.

Sometimes my story is too much for them to handle and they leave. Sometimes they don't.

I have really only totally opened up about my abuse to a few select people. Most of those people have been professionals in the Mental Health industry or people in the group therapy sessions. There have been a few others along the way that have heard the whole ugly truth, those are the people that I have become truly intimate with on an emotional level.

I am blessed to have those special people in my life and I am so glad that I let them in to see the real me, scars and all.