Best Friends

Do you remember your best friend from childhood? That person that you were with every moment that you could. You shared lunches, secrets, clothes, lip gloss and dreams. When someone thought of you, they thought of her. You were so close that you considered her mother yours and she thought the same of yours. Sleepovers, campouts, shopping, giggles,  you did it all. When something good happened, she was the first person you told. When something bad happened, she was the first person you called. You were there for each other through thick and thin.

I had a couple of these friends throughout my life. They have been there for me, and I hope I was there for them. I had lost touch with most of them over the years, but the wonders of technology has brought most of them back into my life. Having shared memories has rekindled the connection we once had to some extent.

Every woman deserves a best girlfriend, someone they can talk to and open up to. My husband is probably the very best friend I have ever had, and he has certainly shouldered many burdens being my husband. He has wanted to be the hero, to swoop in and rescue me. He can't. Only I can rescue myself. THAT was a hard lesson to learn. He can be my best friend, but I need others, friends that I can laugh with and call in the middle of the night to stay with the kids when I have to go the hospital. I have a few of those friends right now that I know I could call and they would be over here in a moment's notice.

"No man is an island..." a quote from John Donne means a lot to me. I had to learn that only I could make the changes in myself, that no one could save me and make everything better. I have learned that lesson, but I have also learned another, I need friends. I need my husband, girlfriends, "couple-friends", I need professionals and I need my family, to heal fully. No one should shoulder the burden alone, we were created to function together in life.

 “And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” Ephesians 1:22-23

Affirmation

I am grateful to the people who are helping me heal, grow and move along my path.

Going Someplace New

I don't deal well with going someplace I have never been before. I am self-conscious, and nervous. I like to know exactly what to do and where to go and who to speak to. I do know that this seems bizarre to most people, but it is my reality. I do deal with it and just go, but it makes me so uncomfortable.


Today I am going to my first outpatient dialysis treatment. I am nervous not only about the procedure, but about the environment. When they called to confirm my appointment yesterday, I asked a million questions just to make sure I knew what to do. I forgot to ask what to wear! I don't know if they will have me in a gown, or keep me in my same clothes. I have a catheter in my chest, and I am unsure how they will access it. I am going anyway and am wearing what I want, and we'll just see if I made a mistake or not!


What irrational fears do you have? Leave a comment here on the blog and we'll all see that we are not alone!

Kidney Dialysis is a Necessary Evil

I started Kidney Dialysis yesterday. 

I cannot say it is fun. 

I cannot say it is easy.

I cannot say that I wanted this.

I can say, however, that I needed this. 

Sometimes in life we need to do things we don't want to do. It isn't that we are being "forced" to against our will, it is just that in order to live a healthier/happier/more fulfilled life, we must do things that may not seem pleasant. This is one of those times in my life. 

I have written about losing control of what is going on in my body, or what I "had" to do. I didn't like it and I rebelled against it. I still don't like it, but I am accepting it.

If I were to refuse dialysis, or even taking my medications or food, I will die. There is no if, and or but about it. There are people in this world that have more knowledge of what needs to be done to maintain a healthy body. I will trust in them. This is not to say that I go with what the first doctor says without checking them out or seeing another one, it just means that I acknowledge my lack of understanding of some things.

This is another big step for me, because I like to diagnose myself. It drives my husband crazy. I will see a bump and suddenly I fear I am dying from skin cancer or some other ailment. By letting go and trusting others, I am truly nurturing and caring for myself. 

Asking for Help

I am not good at asking for help. It is something that has plagued me most of my life. I hide my feelings pretty well.

My mother has said that I am a good "actress." Although I wanted to be an actress when I was younger (and still hope to do some more acting someday soon), this probably isn't a good thing. People don't know that inside I am aching, hurting for a child that was abused, crying for the loss of innocence, aching over a pain that runs so deep it is indescribable. I have tried to overcome these feelings, but it is a long and arduous process.

I am anxious that by talking about my past, and my pain, I will burden those around me. I am scared that I will end up alone. I am tired of dealing with it all alone, but do not want to ask for help.

It is good that I have an amazing Psychiatrist, but I am thinking it is time to get back into a group setting. Sharing the pain with others that have been there helps immensely. I find this blog helpful, a way to get out the feelings I have trapped inside, but I believe that talk therapy and Cognitive Behavior Therapy is a great way to go.

I will ask for help, I will share my story and overcome the pain of my past.