Sunday, April 3, 2011


Not too long ago, someone very close to me, confronted me about my behavior. They said that I should stop complaining and playing the victim. I was outraged. I had struggled with that for many years and felt that I had really dealt with it and moved on to "survivor."

I argued the point quite vigorously and I was angry for quite some time.

Then I started to digest what they said. To take it in and process it. They were right, I had been playing the victim. Not in regards to my history of abuse and my eating disorder, but about current issues.

I frequently said, "I can't believe all of this is happening to me,"  "I can't help it that this or that happened." I felt sorry for myself, I lost all of my joy and felt terribly sad and lonely in my struggles. It wasn't that there weren't people willing to help me or spend time with me, I just shut them out and thought that I would just have to deal with all of these things alone.

In the past several weeks, since this confrontation, I have grown tremendously. I may be in the most dire situation with my health, kidney failure is not fun let me tell you, but I feel so strong and free. This is a new sensation for me.

I used to worry about that number on the scale, I used to obsess over it. I then overcame it to a certain degree. It wasn't an every day thought anymore. Then my kidneys started failing and the doctors wanted me to weigh myself every day. It was really tough to do, especially since I had over 50 pounds of water weight on me in a matter of weeks.

I now have lost all of the water weight and I am still 20-30 pounds over what I used to strive for. For the very first time in my life, I love my body fully. I love the curves that I have, I love the way I can move around, and I am truly happy with my weight.

Although, I must admit, there is ONE part of my body I am not happy with...those stinking kidneys!


  1. Isn't there always something! Thanks for writing this. It is a wonderful thing to recognize that we are all in a process of growth and as long as we keep being "irritated" and move, we know we are not stuck without hope. There is so much more of Rachel to discover and love. XOXO Tere

  2. OMG I'm so proud of you for getting to this stage! You SHOULD love your body, everyone should! It's great to read such a positive post especially since I just started following you :D Keep it up! It's a long battle but it's worth the fight. Just remember that although we all have our bad days it's the good ones that really matter :)

  3. Hi,

    I can relate to that feeling of playing the victim. I am glad you have been able to grow with strength I feel that it comes with time, through recovery you learn more abot yourself and are able to challenge the negativ ethoughts that you have. I wish you luck in your journey/

  4. Thank you so much. I do feel strong and ready to continue my journey. I will say, those negative thoughts still come, but yes, I am much better able to challenge them!