Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Adjusting to my Current Weight

I have an eating disorder. It has been established not only here in this blog, but in my life over more than a decade. I have suffered from this eating disorder for most of my life. I struggle with how much I weigh, how much I eat, and how much medication I have to take. I hate it, I have lived with it, it has consumed much of my life.

I named it, Edith. She had amazing power over me, but I beat her down. She still survives, but she is caged and I rarely visit her. She has been screaming for me a lot lately, wanting attention.

You see, I had adjusted to a much healthier weight. I had begun to be happy with a womanly body. I was proud of the curves I had developed. She did not like that, because the attention was no longer on her. 

Now a crisis has hit. I have kidney failure and have gained a massive amount of weight. To the point that I only have one pair of pants that fit. This is water weight, and I am going to take it off healthily through dialysis, but it is scary. I hear Edith screaming for me to let her out. 

I will tell you that I feel ugly, that I feel fat, I feel unlovable. These are all feelings that lurk in the background of my mind, but I have coping mechanisms to put them at bay. I tell myself the truth, that I am a beautiful woman, that I am sick and that I am truly loved. I stop the negative tapes that run through my mind over and over, and replace it with positive tapes. 

I will also tell you that although I am winning the battle, we are in heavy combat right now. The war is not over, I will prevail, but I am taking heavy damage right now! 

I believe in God's refining fire, that I will come out shining gold on the other side.

And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’; and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’”  Zechariah 3:9

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