Loving MY Life

I have blogged about my struggle with self esteem and what that means to me.

I have been blatantly honest with how I often fail at loving myself.

I have told you about how much I have hated myself and my body.

I have discussed how badly I have wanted a different life.

Today I am pledging (again) to love the life I have now, not waiting for what I think will make me happy. I will be content with my life, even while striving to better myself and my life. Just because I love my life doesn't mean that I won't continue to work for more, it just means that I won't put my life on hold until I get it.

This is a group that has come into my life through my son, I am 50Million. I love what they teach, and what they have done for him. I have learned via the "osmosis" of living with him and going to some of their classes. Here is a status that they posted today on facebook that made me stop and think:

"A key to absolute happiness is to learn how to Love the life you have right "now". Your life is "now". This life that is truly not missing anything. It might have areas we don't like but it has everything it needs. We have this life right now and we could live in bliss if we can learn how to Love it for all it is. With all we like and dislike, we can still find true Love for this life. We spend so much time wanting our "desired life" or a "future life". That future doesn't exist right "now" and as important as it is to have goals these should not overshadow this life... this "now". True Love is about acceptance and today is a great day to find Love for the life that you have right "now". All we have is the "now" and if you can Love your life in it... you will live with a peace that others only dream of. Love with everything that is you. We strive to Love everything in this "now", for you are and I am 50Million"

Bargains

I love a good bargain, and this time of year there are a lot of them out there. There are also a lot of so-called "bargains" out there. Things that aren't that great once you read the fine print. 

I feel that way about Edith. She seemed so great, helped me get through some rough times. I thought I was looking better the thinner I got, and I was "dealing" with my past well. What I didn't do was read that fine print...

• I would lose hair and teeth
• I wouldn't have energy
• I would develop Osteoporosis
• I would damage my kidneys
• I would lose friends and family
• I would be miserable and lonely

That fine print wasn't worth the great deal that I thought Edith was. I lost so much due to my eating disorder and I can never go back and fix them. 

Don't fall for the bargain that your eating disorder is telling you about. Leave it behind and go for the sure thing...A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE!

Insomnia

I have trouble sleeping these days. I have some prescriptions that help, sometimes.

I have a lot on my mind. I worry a lot. I worry about my kids, my health, my future. I try to stay positive, and I try NOT to worry. I still worry.

I don't understand it, because I know that it doesn't change anything. I know that worrying makes one ill. I know that worrying causes only grief.

I still worry.

If you worry, you are not alone. Fight it. Fight the need to control everything. Fight the urge to go to that negative place that tells you all the ways things can go wrong. Join me in that fight.

Maybe one day I can let go of the worry completely. Right now I let go little by little, and that is all I can do. I will "Let go and let God," as much as I am capable of each day.

I will sleep.

Optimistic

Today is a good day. I feel fabulous and optimistic. I pray that I am going home today, hospital stays are not fun. My health is so important though, so I am being hyper-compliant and doing everything the doctors say. I know that this time of trial will make be well worth it. I already feel stronger. I am excited about my future for the ffirst time in a very long time.

My transplant was successful and I feel great. I haven't had a relapse in, well, I don't know how long. My divorce is final and we are getting along really well. My kids are happy and thriving. Over all life is great.

I REALLY am looking forward to what lies ahead.

Weight Gain

I put on some weight since my surgery, and I needed to, don't get me wrong. I lost a LOT of weight in the weeks after surgery, so the weight was welcome.

AND THEN...

I put on MORE weight. I was starting to "freak out" a  little. It turns out that I was retaining some water and  I  developed a hernia. My waistline was growing and growing fast! I started to panic. I had to do a  lot of positive talk to myself and take  it back  to reality. This wasn't easy while trying to heal, but I kept at it. I had surgery on my hernia and my head seems to be in a good place now.

It just goes to show that this fight is never truly over and that I need to keep fighting to keep healthy, both mind and body.

Complications

I had my transplant 6 weeks ago and although I am so excited and feel wonderful, the journey has not been without complications.

I have had a few episodes of rejection as well as some other medical issues. It has been scary, painful and unnerving. I have fought through and been super compliant, but it doesn't always help. Sometimes even with the best medical care, there are unforeseen circumstances. Especially when you are putting a new organ in someone else's body.

I have had to "roll with the punches" so to speak during this process. I spent 33 out of 43 days in the hospital, it was supposed to be 7-10 days, I went a bit over. I was disappointed that I didn't get to be home on my oldest child's birthday, and Halloween. I was upset many times, and that did little more than raise my blood pressure. I had to let go of my expectations and pray for quick healing and for the doctors and nurses to know what to do.

I am not a patient person by nature, but this journey has taught me a lot about that. Everything comes together in its' own time. I am not the one in charge, God is, and He will direct the circumstances as He sees fit. I am so incredibly grateful that He directed me through all of this.

TRANSPLANT

October 7, 2012 is my new birthday!

I received the gift of life via a Kidney-Pancreas transplant!

The journey has not been easy, but the struggles are well worth it. I can eat what I want, and I am free of insulin and dialysis. I feel stronger than I have in years, and that is an amazing feeling.

I think about my donor every day. I pray for their family, to find peace in their decision. I am not sure of any details about them, and how many people they were able to help, but I am eternally grateful for the gift they gave me.

I have been on this journey for a long time, and although it isn't always easy, I have not relapsed in many years. This gift makes that more important than ever. I will not take these new organs for granted. I have been taking all my meds, eating and TRYING to sleep. I am happy and ready to face the rest of my life.

Test Results

I am on the transplant list, and I am thrilled about that. I am so excited to have the second chance at health and life.

Each year I have to go back and get the battery of tests to make sure that I am still in good enough health for the transplant. This is not something that I like to do, but it is necessary, so I do it. Last week I had all of the "lady" parts looked at, and that is my least favorite. I already struggle with that because of the abuse I suffered as a girl, but I wasn't concerned that anything was wrong.

I have to have further tests on my uterus and breasts. There were "somethings" that need to have further investigation. It reminded me not to get comfortable, to keep putting my faith in the Father. Life is not easy, and although I should want for nothing and be content in my circumstances, I know that I need to daily turn all of my fears over to Him.

I am strong, I can endure much, but I cannot endure all of this on my own. I am greatly overwhelmed right now, and I can admit that. There are days where I break down and I think, "why me?" There are then days where I feel so incredibly blessed. I am just taking it one day at a time, and some days, one minute at a time!

Liking Myself

I'll admit it, I struggle with liking myself. 

I really don't remember a time that this wasn't a struggle. I have had moments where I felt good about myself. I have had moments where I feel pretty. I have even had a few moments where I felt proud of myself. It has never been easy though.


I went through an extended period of time where I was feeling good and strong, confident in myself. I then let the circumstances of my life knock me down. My husband leaving was really hard and I blamed him for my feelings of inadequacy. 


It wasn't/isn't his fault. I let myself start to listen to the old "tapes" that played in my head for most of my life. Tapes that said I wasn't good enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough. Tapes that left me trapped, unable to move forward, unable to strive for something more. 


I am making a choice right now that says I am ENOUGH. I am the best "me" I can be. 

Relapse?

I am not in a relapse, but man oh man would part of me love to be!

Even though it is not a healthy coping mechanism, my eating disorder worked as one. It got me through some incredibly rough times. I am currently going through what is most likely the hardest time of my life, and it would be so easy to numb out and give up.

I am not going to though. I will keep fighting, even though it is such a tough fight.

I am so proud of myself, in the past I would have given in. I would have stopped taking my meds, stop eating a proper diet and isolated myself in my bedroom. Although my eating disorder was not a CHOICE, I finally have the strength to fight it.

I still have not asked Edith back into my life! So take THAT doubters!

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself.
Sometimes I wonder, why me?
Sometimes I am angry at the world.
Sometimes I want to give up.
Sometimes I can't stop crying.
Sometimes I feel so alone.


Sometimes...

But not all the time.

Sometimes I feel like there is so much to fight for.
Sometimes I am happy.
Sometimes I feel loved.
Sometimes I know that tomorrow will be better.
Sometimes I know there is a reason to fight.
Sometimes I want to live.
Sometimes I laugh uncontrollably.
Sometimes I know I have a purpose.

Sometimes...

But not all the time.

The Big News

Yesterday I got the news...I have been cleared to be listed on the transplant list. I will find out more today...that is why I can't sleep!

God is so good, and I know that he will provide in His perfect timing. I will wait on Him and trust Him completely. 

If you are a praying person, please join me in prayer on this matter. 

Bracelets

I have been making jewelry for a very long time. I love it.

I have decided to start selling it. Please feel free to visit my Etsy Shop to see the ones I have offered. You can also contact me via email  , to order custom bracelets. The ones that I have already made are $10each, custom are $15.

I have been put in a position that I need to find a way to make some money. I would love to be able to be self-reliant, and right now this is a small step in that direction!

"Find something you love, find a way to make money doing it and you will never work a day again!"

Moving On

When my husband said he was leaving, he said it was time for him to "move on." I didn't understand, and still don't totally understand, but I had to accept it. I really didn't have a choice, the only other option was to continue screaming and crying. Which I did a lot of. I loved him, and still do, but I have learned that it is now time for me to "move on" as well. It is not something I would have chosen, but it is the healthiest thing for me to do now.


I am actually starting to love my life again. I can now do what I want without having to ask someone else's opinion. I can choose to spend the day in my pajamas or save the dishes for tomorrow without feeling like I am letting someone down. (not that he was saying it, I was the one feeling it)


I have wanted to go back to Ohio to visit my family, and because he had another commitment, I had to miss a trip last year. Not this year, I am going back to a camp reunion and to see my mom, sister and brothers. 


It is time for him to live the life he has always wanted, and for me to do so as well. 


Our marriage produced two beautiful children and a friendship that I think will last a lifetime. It won't be the same, but I know that if I were in trouble, he would be there. There is no reason for us to fight, because we are both "moving on."

Struggles

My life has changed drastically this past year.

My kidneys failed.
My sons have had some terrible struggles
My husband filed for divorce.

But, God is still good. He is watching over me. He cares for me. He loves me. He wants me to come to Him.

I have.

I have always been a Christian and have been a "good" girl. I have surrendered to Him many times, but always seem to go and take it back. He is always there, waiting for my return.

I praise Him! I worship Him! I adore Him! I give Him all glory and praise! Hallelujah, may my life be a testimony to the one who made me and I call Father! I strive now to live my life like the Proverbs 31 woman.

Below I have placed the verse again, this time with a link to a great site, 31 Status. They are trying to teach young women how to be a modern day Proverbs 31 woman. It is powerful and amazing, check them out!

She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. Proverbs 31:25