Dreams

I used to dream that I was a different girl
I used to dream that I was in a different world
I used to dream that I had a different dad
I used to dream I had more than I had
Those dreams were very real
Those dreams were full of zeal
Those dreams came every night
Those dreams were worth the fight
I cannot change who I was
I cannot change the circumstances
I cannot change what I had
I cannot change my dad
I will move on
I will no longer be a pawn
I can make a change
I will my life exchange

For I will find the strength inside to make a difference in others lives. I will show them all that they can move on, that they can realize that they have survived. There is something inside of every survivor that may not be able to be expressed, but it's there. We may have not chosen the healthiest of coping mechanisms, but we did what we did to get through the hell that we were experiencing.

Matthew 26:13 NIV

I tell you the truth, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."

In the Mirror

I gaze into the looking glass,
Trying hard not to gasp.
What happened to the girl I was?
Why is there a little peach fuzz?
I wonder why the wrinkles came?
Why time took hold of my frame?
I see spots that were never there,
I see my sad and thinning hair.
The hooded look of my eyes,
The definite broadening of my thighs.
The lost firmness of my gut,
The sagginess of my butt.
I see someone I barely know,
But then I see that same old glow.
My smile may have more lines,
But I really feel that is fine.
I show the years upon my self,
I show it as upon a shelf.
I wear my scars with great pride,
I have nothing that I'd like to hide.
I may not have the shine of youth,
I may have lost a spark or two.
I am me and I am proud to say,
I am the me I am today.

Why Me? Why NOT Me?

There is something brewing in my family right now. It's a BIG deal, and I can't talk about it yet. I was thinking about it though, and my first thought was "why us?" My family has been through so much and to think that we have yet ANOTHER issue to face is a bit daunting.

I have often said, "why me?" in my lifetime. Let's think about it, I have had many traumas in my life. My parents divorced, I suffered through child abuse, I struggled with self-esteem, I developed and fought an eating disorder and my health right now is quite frankly, horrible. I have been through a lot, and in my situation, who wouldn't wonder, "Why me?"

But, "why NOT me?" Am I anyone special that I should not have tragedy touch me? Is someone else more deserving of pain? The simple answer is, no. Sure, things suck at times and I just get to feeling sorry for myself, but I am not alone in my pain and suffering. There are millions of people out there facing things much worse than I ever have. They go through their daily lives trying to find the same answers I am. I feel their pain and understand that it can be overwhelming.

I may never know in this lifetime why I have been through what I have, but I am okay with that. I will work with what I have and do my best to help others that face the same issues anyway. I will take my lemons and turn them into lemonade and never give up the fight to stay positive and make a difference.

Positive Outlook

I have had many people comment on my positive outlook on things in times of great pain and suffering. Let me tell you this, it isn't easy! I have said before that my first reaction is to go to the negative, to think the absolute worst will happen.

I have made a decision in my life, to think of how I am blessed. I have a fantastic family, my husband and children are amazing and their love for me is enough to remind me of joy. I have an incredible mother and siblings, I know that they "have my back" if I need anything at all. I have friends that I know would do anything for me and are a great support. I have a heavenly father that loves me unconditionally and only wants the best for me as I fulfill His purpose.

I could think about all the bad that has come into my life, evil things even. I could say, why me? I could lament that it isn't fair and that no one should go through any of these things, let alone ALL of them. Would this help the situation? Would these make me heal faster? Would it change the outcome? Would I feel better?

NO!

Studies have shown how a positive attitude can help in the healing process. I choose to be happy, to seek joy, to count my blessings if you will.

That is how I maintain a positive attitude. This isn't to say that there are days that I am down and angry, I just choose to acknowledge those feelings and move on. Feel free to join me on my journey to discovering joy, it can't hurt, can it?

Getting Stuck

Today my dog, Buddy, came running out of our bedroom with his paw up. We thought it was because of the pinched nerve in his back. Upon further inspection, we realized he had caught his claw on the ring in his collar. Poor guy was stuck and couldn't get himself out of it.

This reminded me of the many times in my life when I was "stuck." I didn't know how to get out of the situation, and I needed help. Sometimes I asked for it, other times it was offered to me whether I wanted it or not.

Recovering from any addiction (which an eating disorder most definitely is) is difficult. Recognizing that you are in the addiction is hard enough, it is nearly impossible if you are trying to do it totally alone.

They say that it "takes a village" to raise a child, recovery is very close to that analogy as well. It can be done without the aid of professionals, but I personally could not have done it without them. I had a team of medical, psychological and spiritual professionals to help me. I also had my family and a large group of friends that were there. I learned so much from them as they led me out of the worst part of my journey. I still have a large "village" of people that help me as I continue, and I am eternally grateful.

For many people, asking for help is hard to do. We are raised to be independent and often equate that with a need to do everything by ourselves. Asking for help does not mean we are weak or inept, it means that we recognize that sometimes others have more experience or knowledge than we do. I believe that it shows a certain intelligence to recognize this fact. I have only recently begun to realize this myself.

Let's work together to try and ask for help when needed, or accept it when offered. Sometimes our "claw gets stuck" and we can't get it out on our own. There are others that know more than we do at times, and it's okay to let them help.

Phenomenal Woman

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they still can't see.

I say,

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

the palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me

~Maya Angelou

I believe that Maya's words are enough...

The Last Song

Okay, I may take some flack for this, but here goes...I just watched the movie "The Last Song." I know it was supposed to be bad, a teen movie, etc.

It made me weep. I should have known though, it is a Nicholas Sparks book. (spoiler alert) I didn't know what the title really meant, I assumed it was some sappy thing about growing up. About half way through you find out that the father has cancer and wanted to spend his last summer with his kids in his childhood hometown.

I have recently felt that fear of dying and leaving my children behind. I will not lie to you about the sheer terror that invoked in me. I didn't know at that time that there were options for me, and that I would be okay. I have a chronic, serious illness that is life-threatening if not taken care of. It has made me more aware of what is important in life than I have ever been before. I am unashamed to say that my faith was shaken to the core, and that in the midst of the storm I finally saw things with a new clarity.

Again, another slap in the face trying to get my attention that I am not able to control everything. I think God is really trying to tell me something!

My children, my husband, my family and my friends, these are the things that really matter. I will spend every waking breath trying to enjoy them to the fullest. Whether I have 1 or 100,000,000,000 more to take.