Friday, May 7, 2010

Angry at my Body

Excuse the rant that is about to happen, but I have to get it out and it isn't a pretty little story!

I am so pissed off right now, and I don't know how else to put it!

I have sucks!'

Most people can eat what they want, and suffer the consequences quietly. They may gain wait, or have indigestion and of course pay for it later.

I have to measure everything I eat, calculate the medications I take, and decide if walking a few blocks with my dogs will be a good thing for me to do today because of my blood sugars. Every freaking thing I do has to be measured, calculated, and weighed because there are consequences that will effect me every moment.

I am tired of it, and I have no choice but to deal with it constantly. I am getting to a point where it is second nature, but it still pisses me off that I have to deal with it! And to top it all off I am blessed with an eating disorder and an obsessive/compulsive personality! YAY ME!

I won't apologize for the sarcasm, I need it today.

Tonight after eating, my blood sugar was high, so I took a bolus of insulin to cover it. I also had a snack so that it wouldn't drop too low. It did! I ate a sandwich and it was still low.

I know that stress is a factor in controlling my blood sugars, and I am under an amazing amount of stress right now that I can't even talk about! Which makes it worse! I am doing all of the right things. Controlling what I can such as eating properly and taking my medications as prescribed.

Why is my body still betraying me?

I know that I have abused it in the past and that I am paying the price now, but I am still angry.

Anger is one of the emotions that I have the most trouble expressing. It is an emotion that I feel is "ugly" and I don't want to deal with it most of the time.

I finally feel that I have a "right" to be angry about certain things, but I just don't know how to properly express it. I think this will be the main topic of conversation with my Psychiatrist in 7 hours!

On towards health, mental, physical and spiritual!

I guess I do try to always end on a positive note! Thanks for letting me spill a little of my anger here and share my struggle with you.

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