Temptation

I fight temptations daily.

I fight the temptation to eat extra food that will undoubtedly wreck my blood sugar levels.

I fight the temptation to sleep in and delay my medications in the morning.

I fight the temptation to have "just one" drink with my friends when I know that it will not only mess up my blood sugar levels, but will also not interact well with all of my other meds.

I fight the temptation to curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day.

I fight the temptation to ignore my friends because I don't want to "bother" them.

I fight the temptation to just give up, because fighting every day is tough.

I fight the temptations...I keep on fighting those temptations.

Fear

I am facing surgery tomorrow. I am scared, no, make that terrified.

I have had a few surgeries in my day, but for some reason this one seems more intimidating. It is probably because it is on my foot and means that I will have a very long recovery.

This also means I will have to rely on others for the next 2 months to drive me where I need to go and to help me with basic things that I like to do for myself. My family and my friends will step up and other than the two teenagers, I know they will do it gladly.

I know that when I hear that someone needs help, I so want to help them. I am offended when they do not ask, or tell me they are fine when I ask. I would love to just vacuum for them, or bring them a meal, or pick up a prescription for them. When I find out later that they did need help but didn't want to "burden" me, I am upset.

Knowing this, I still cringe every time I have to call someone to help me. I try to give them an out even before I ask. I minimize my needs and try to make them feel comfortable. I also feel terribly guilty if they are busy and that I even asked.

I am going to change this way of thinking. If I need something, I will ask those that care about me. If they are busy, I will just ask someone else and not take it personally. I will plan ahead so that I have options.

We are given people in our lives to be there for each other. I would gladly do for them as they would for me.

Affirmation: I will ask for what I need.

Pain

I suffer from chronic pain. I have for years, and on the pain scale of 1-10, it never gets below 7 without medication. I say this to state the following:

Physical pain cannot compare to the pain one suffers at the hands of others. This pain can be physically or emotionally scarring. I have been hurt many times in my life, from my father leaving when I was young, to the abuse I suffered in middle school and friends/boyfriends breaking my heart.

I am still dealing with the aftereffects of these pains. Aren't we all? I am letting it go day to day, and it is definitely easier now than ever before.

The stronger I get, the more I can let go of the anger, hate and pain.

I am past the "trying" phase of forgiveness and have moved on the the "working" on it.

I have made some unpopular decisions, some that may hurt those I love, but that are necessary for me to survive and fully recover. I have decided to no longer allow people that have continuously hurt me, and have shown that they will never really seek true atonement to be a part of my life. They have forfeited the right to know me and rejoice in my recovery. They have made decisions that have impacted the people that are in their lives, and that includes me.

I will no longer allow others to control how I live my life out. I am in control, and am going to make my own path to healthy living! I choose who is in my life and the extent that they are involved in it.

Fantasies

Dreams, hopes, fantasies...these are all the words I used to use to explain what I was going to do.

"I dream of writing a book."

"I hope I can get healthy."

"I fantasize about traveling around the world."

These are all great things to think about. It is nice to envision what I wanted and needed.

I now want to change some of these thoughts. I will now say:

"I am writing a book."

"I am getting healthier."

"I will travel around the world."

Do you notice the change? Just by taking a few words and changing them around I have changed my entire thought process. I have become the master of my life and future. I have taken control of what is important and what I want!

Age

I have heard:

• Age is just a number
• You are only as old as you feel
• Age doesn't really matter

Well let me just say that at this age of my life, 38, I feel much older. I feel the effects of my eating disorder on my body daily. Because of choices I have made in my life, I have many health issues that people my age don't normally suffer from.

• Osteoporosis
• Neuropathy in my legs
• Blurry vision
• Missing teeth
• Other aches and pains

How do you want to spend the rest of your life? In pain, fighting for every day to survive? Or do you want to live a full, healthy life?

If you are suffering from an eating disorder, I BEG you to seek help. There are many places to turn for information on finding a doctor. Please look in my resource section for some ideas, or just Google eating disorder treatment.

Bless you and good luck on your journey, it is worth it!

Love

I have been hurt a lot in my life. Who hasn't? If we let people in and open our hearts, we risk being hurt. It is worth it. Love is an amazing emotion and can do great things, and not letting someone in because you are afraid of being hurt is such a travesty.

At those times of pain though you have to learn to either let go or fight for the love. Measuring the love against the hurt feelings. Forgiveness is not for the other person's benefit, but for your own. Letting go of hurt, anger, frustration and all of those other painful feelings will lead you to love again. It may not be with the person you were hurt by, but it may be.

I used to believe that love conquered all. I thought that all you had to do to be happy was to love and be loved. I still believe that, but with a touch of skepticism.

I don't believe that all of those sappy romantic comedies and love stories that I watch is the way things go. I don't think that you can suddenly find someone and he/she fixes everything. Our responsibility is to fix ourselves and THEN let love in. Then we are fully capable of loving and being loved.

It all begins with loving one's self. You are not fully capable of loving someone else without loving and accepting yourself. When you can let go of the hate and loathing of your hair, your weight, your smile, etc. you can let the love you feel for yourself spill over onto another person.

Go out and love yourself! Love your friends! Love your children! Love your partner!

Life Lessons

When I was a little girl, I thought the whole world was just for me! Don't most children?

I thought that whatever I wished and dreamed for would come true. I thought that all I had to do was go out and get it! If I wanted to climb a mountain, I knew I could do it! If I wanted to swim across the ocean, oh yeah!

The world was full of limitless possibilities.

And then I grew up, learned that the world did NOT revolve around me and that it was a cruel place at times. I learned that life could be very hard and that it took a lot of work sometimes.

I also learned some lessons that I have only recently found out are not true. I thought that I was not capable of getting what I wanted. I thought that everyone else could go out and succeed, but that I as not able to. I thought that I was too dumb, not smart enough to do anything other than an entry level job.

These things are all false!

I am capable of getting whatever I want. I can succeed. I am very smart and can get whatever job I want.

It has taken a lot for me "unlearn" these negative lessons, but I have.

The world is mine for the taking! No, it does not revolve around me, but I am ready to go out and get what I want and need!

Watch out world, Rachel is on her way!

Surviving

I am a "Survivor" but it does not identify me.

I have survived sexual abuse.

I have survived an eating disorder which caused me to nearly die more than once.

I have survived moving all over the country and leaving loved ones behind.

I have survived the deaths of people that I loved.

I have survived losing a job that meant the world to me.

I have survived...

I have also:

• Loved
• Laughed
• Danced
• Rappelled
• Camped
• Flourished
• Thrived
• Learned
• Hoped
• Dreamed
• Lived

I give thanks for surviving and everything else that I have done!

Another affirmation

I have recently decided to be happy about the things in my life that are good and for the struggles that have made me the woman I am today!

This video does that...celebrate EVERYTHING EVERY DAY!

Change is GOOD!

Change is good! Change is good! Change is good!

I have stated that repeating things over and over makes you believe them. This is why I so passionately believe in stating affirmations over and over.

Yesterday I lost my job.

It was so incredibly hard as I loved it with a passion, and still believe in the cause and hope to one day get involved again.

This is kind of the kick start I needed to really get my dreams flowing. I would love to find a way to make this blog, public speaking and my book my new career. It will happen.

Change is good! Change is good! Change is good!

The Hits Just Keep Coming

Today I got out of the hospital again, another 6 days in for a complication from poor Diabetes control. Thanks again Edith! She just keeps on giving and giving.

I know that people going through the beginning stages of an eating disorder are not thinking about the future. They are not thinking about the complications that can arise.

Did you know that of course it causes malnutrition, but that because of that it can also cause:

• Death
• Heart disease
• Depression, suicidal thoughts or behavior
• Absence of menstruation (amenorrhea) leading to fertility issues
• Bone loss, I personally lost 3 inches in height that I will never regain.
• Stunted growth, for those that have not completed the growing process
• Seizures
• Digestive problems
• Bowel irregularities
• Kidney damage
• Severe tooth decay
• High or low blood pressure
• Type 2 diabetes
• Gallbladder disease

These are all things to consider, and to think about no matter what stage of an eating disorder you are in. If you are considering ways to take control of your life, or to make some extreme decision to lose weight, please think about these life changing consequences of that decision.

An Apology

Lately I have been quite negative on this blog, as well as in my real life.

I owe an apology to my readers as well as to my friends and family.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life making other people miserable. I don't want to BE miserable for the rest of my life.

I have had someone that I love very much confront me about one of my blog posts in particular. They stated that they were upset by my "Angry at my Body" post. I don't think I made myself totally clear.

I am angry at my body for not functioning like a healthy body would, not because of my eating disorder or the fact that I have not always taken care of myself. I am angry that even if I took my medication as prescribed and ate well from day one, I would STILL have to take my medication and watch everything I ate. I was mostly saying that I am angry at Diabetes.

I also want to state that I have just been trying to be honest about how I feel. Emotions are neither right or wrong, they just are. The real test comes with how we express those emotions.

I am not writing this blog to put myself on a pedestal or to put myself down. I am writing it to give an honest account of how I feel and what I am going through.

My husband told me that the only way this blog could be helpful was if I was honest and didn't try to sugarcoat everything and make it seem like I didn't struggle anymore.

I am an imperfect human being and for someone like me to admit that, it is very difficult, but very true. I have not always loved myself, but I like to put on a mask that i do. I am taking that mask off and sharing myself, warts and all.

A Change is a-Brewing

I have recently made some major adjustments in my thought processes. It has not been easy by any means, and I have a long way to go, but I am extremely optimistic.

I have made a few observations in the years I have been dealing with this disorder and having friends that have been fighting it.

I find it interesting that when someone is dealing with an illness such as depression, that there isn't the same amount of compassion as someone with say, cancer.

People that have been there all along have decided that they are "done" with you, and dealing with your illness. They say things like, why don't you just get over it and make a determination to be happy? Why don't you just take care of yourself and get over your drama?

Wow! If only it were that easy! If only I could pop a pill and the next day I would be amazingly happy and content. I wish that I could just say, okay, I am over it, time to move on.

But you know what, it is NOT easy! It is HARD! But you know what else?

IT IS WORTH IT! I am strong enough to do this, with or without help! If people don't think I am worth sticking around and supporting, then so be it! I will do it for myself and show everyone just how incredibly strong and brave I am! This is for anyone that can't stand by me...

Angry at my Body

Excuse the rant that is about to happen, but I have to get it out and it isn't a pretty little story!

I am so pissed off right now, and I don't know how else to put it!

I have diabetes...it sucks!'

Most people can eat what they want, and suffer the consequences quietly. They may gain wait, or have indigestion and of course pay for it later.

I have to measure everything I eat, calculate the medications I take, and decide if walking a few blocks with my dogs will be a good thing for me to do today because of my blood sugars. Every freaking thing I do has to be measured, calculated, and weighed because there are consequences that will effect me every moment.

I am tired of it, and I have no choice but to deal with it constantly. I am getting to a point where it is second nature, but it still pisses me off that I have to deal with it! And to top it all off I am blessed with an eating disorder and an obsessive/compulsive personality! YAY ME!

I won't apologize for the sarcasm, I need it today.

Tonight after eating, my blood sugar was high, so I took a bolus of insulin to cover it. I also had a snack so that it wouldn't drop too low. It did! I ate a sandwich and it was still low.

I know that stress is a factor in controlling my blood sugars, and I am under an amazing amount of stress right now that I can't even talk about! Which makes it worse! I am doing all of the right things. Controlling what I can such as eating properly and taking my medications as prescribed.

Why is my body still betraying me?

I know that I have abused it in the past and that I am paying the price now, but I am still angry.

Anger is one of the emotions that I have the most trouble expressing. It is an emotion that I feel is "ugly" and I don't want to deal with it most of the time.

I finally feel that I have a "right" to be angry about certain things, but I just don't know how to properly express it. I think this will be the main topic of conversation with my Psychiatrist in 7 hours!

On towards health, mental, physical and spiritual!

I guess I do try to always end on a positive note! Thanks for letting me spill a little of my anger here and share my struggle with you.

Being a Mom with An Eating Disorder

It is not easy to state why I fall back into eating disordered behavior when I have a family that needs me. I know that being healthy needs to be a priority for me first, but if I can't do it for me, why not at the very least for my family?

This is a question that has been posed to me recently, again. It is so hard to explain why not eating and taking my meds makes me feel powerful and in control. Because logically I know that I truly don't have control, that "Edith" has taken over again.

To be honest though, for probably the first time in my recovery I have really felt what it feels like to be healthy. I like the way I have let go of the dizziness, weakness, constant headache and ache in my stomach.

I feel stronger over her, the fact that I was able to start battling back without being an inpatient helps. I had to get a little reminder from my wonderful husband, but that was all it took. I am back to seeing a psychiatrist, an endocrinologist, and an OB/GYN. My blood sugars have been great, even through my recent surgery. Each new milestone is giving me the courage to keep fighting.

I don't know what the future holds for me on a lot of levels, and to be honest some things are happening that are down right scary! But I am prepared to fight and ultimately to WIN! For me! (and for my family too).

Feeling Alone

I am a thinker, I don't just take anything at face value, not even my feelings. I analyze everything!

I feel so alone tonight. I know that I am not, I know that I have:

• Family that loves me
• Friends that support me
• People that feel just like I do out there reading this blog
• A God that loves and protects me

But tonight...I feel alone.

I need to remind myself that the feeling is not reality. It may feel like my reality at the moment, but looking around me I see evidence that it is not.

I see my friends that are near, and those that are not, but thanks to facebook and a telephone seem to be right here with me.

I have my family here to give me great big hugs and kisses. There is nothing sweeter that the hug of my teenage sons wrapping there arms around me and kissing the top of my head. (They are both over 6 feet tall now). The love and care that my husband shows me even when I feel unlovable is invaluable.

I also have my family that is far away that shows their support through calls, cards, email and prayers. I know that I am rarely far from their minds and hearts as they are not far from mine.

Heck, even my two dogs with their wet, slobbery kisses show me unconditional love.

Okay, so now that I have reminded myself that I am not alone...I think I can go on and continue the fight!

Overcoming A Sudden Blow

Sometimes things come at me that are out of my control. In the past I have retreated into myself and my eating disorder. I have had a somewhat sudden revelation recently...I am worth more than that. I have no control of the people around me and their reactions. I have a limited sphere of influence, in that there are many external things that just happen in my life and the lives of those I love. What I can control is my reaction to these things/people. I am finally at the end of my rope and am sick and tired of being sick and tired. (I know, cliché, but oh so true right now). I am choosing to choose "ME" and to boost my health, resources, sphere of influence. I am choosing to not be a "victim" or a "survivor." I am choosing to be "Rachel" and to be the best me that I can be, regardless of what anyone thinks, says, or does!

HOO RAH!