Liking Myself

I'll admit it, I struggle with liking myself. 

I really don't remember a time that this wasn't a struggle. I have had moments where I felt good about myself. I have had moments where I feel pretty. I have even had a few moments where I felt proud of myself. It has never been easy though.


I went through an extended period of time where I was feeling good and strong, confident in myself. I then let the circumstances of my life knock me down. My husband leaving was really hard and I blamed him for my feelings of inadequacy. 


It wasn't/isn't his fault. I let myself start to listen to the old "tapes" that played in my head for most of my life. Tapes that said I wasn't good enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough. Tapes that left me trapped, unable to move forward, unable to strive for something more. 


I am making a choice right now that says I am ENOUGH. I am the best "me" I can be. 

Relapse?

I am not in a relapse, but man oh man would part of me love to be!

Even though it is not a healthy coping mechanism, my eating disorder worked as one. It got me through some incredibly rough times. I am currently going through what is most likely the hardest time of my life, and it would be so easy to numb out and give up.

I am not going to though. I will keep fighting, even though it is such a tough fight.

I am so proud of myself, in the past I would have given in. I would have stopped taking my meds, stop eating a proper diet and isolated myself in my bedroom. Although my eating disorder was not a CHOICE, I finally have the strength to fight it.

I still have not asked Edith back into my life! So take THAT doubters!

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself.
Sometimes I wonder, why me?
Sometimes I am angry at the world.
Sometimes I want to give up.
Sometimes I can't stop crying.
Sometimes I feel so alone.


Sometimes...

But not all the time.

Sometimes I feel like there is so much to fight for.
Sometimes I am happy.
Sometimes I feel loved.
Sometimes I know that tomorrow will be better.
Sometimes I know there is a reason to fight.
Sometimes I want to live.
Sometimes I laugh uncontrollably.
Sometimes I know I have a purpose.

Sometimes...

But not all the time.

The Big News

Yesterday I got the news...I have been cleared to be listed on the transplant list. I will find out more today...that is why I can't sleep!

God is so good, and I know that he will provide in His perfect timing. I will wait on Him and trust Him completely. 

If you are a praying person, please join me in prayer on this matter. 

Bracelets

I have been making jewelry for a very long time. I love it.

I have decided to start selling it. Please feel free to visit my Etsy Shop to see the ones I have offered. You can also contact me via email  , to order custom bracelets. The ones that I have already made are $10each, custom are $15.

I have been put in a position that I need to find a way to make some money. I would love to be able to be self-reliant, and right now this is a small step in that direction!

"Find something you love, find a way to make money doing it and you will never work a day again!"

Moving On

When my husband said he was leaving, he said it was time for him to "move on." I didn't understand, and still don't totally understand, but I had to accept it. I really didn't have a choice, the only other option was to continue screaming and crying. Which I did a lot of. I loved him, and still do, but I have learned that it is now time for me to "move on" as well. It is not something I would have chosen, but it is the healthiest thing for me to do now.


I am actually starting to love my life again. I can now do what I want without having to ask someone else's opinion. I can choose to spend the day in my pajamas or save the dishes for tomorrow without feeling like I am letting someone down. (not that he was saying it, I was the one feeling it)


I have wanted to go back to Ohio to visit my family, and because he had another commitment, I had to miss a trip last year. Not this year, I am going back to a camp reunion and to see my mom, sister and brothers. 


It is time for him to live the life he has always wanted, and for me to do so as well. 


Our marriage produced two beautiful children and a friendship that I think will last a lifetime. It won't be the same, but I know that if I were in trouble, he would be there. There is no reason for us to fight, because we are both "moving on."

Struggles

My life has changed drastically this past year.

My kidneys failed.
My sons have had some terrible struggles
My husband filed for divorce.

But, God is still good. He is watching over me. He cares for me. He loves me. He wants me to come to Him.

I have.

I have always been a Christian and have been a "good" girl. I have surrendered to Him many times, but always seem to go and take it back. He is always there, waiting for my return.

I praise Him! I worship Him! I adore Him! I give Him all glory and praise! Hallelujah, may my life be a testimony to the one who made me and I call Father! I strive now to live my life like the Proverbs 31 woman.

Below I have placed the verse again, this time with a link to a great site, 31 Status. They are trying to teach young women how to be a modern day Proverbs 31 woman. It is powerful and amazing, check them out!

She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. Proverbs 31:25