Pinning all my Hopes

I mentioned in a previous post that I had a new love in my life. I was very much in love and consumed with him and pinned all of my hopes to him. This was a very short relationship, but it meant a lot to me.

I was married for 19 years and I pinned all of my hopes and dreams to him. It was a long relationship and it also meant a lot to me.

I am a mom and have been for 19 years, I pinned all of my hopes and dreams on my two children. These are forever relationships and they mean a lot to me.

The lesson that I think I have finally learned from this last relationship is this:

Don't pin all of my hopes and dreams to another person.

I need to hope and dream for myself, as if there were no one else in the world. Things change quickly and they don't always go the way we want them to. I need to dream about my life after my kids are gone and on their own, which won't be much longer from now! I need to find dreams that are all about me and my wants and needs. I am going to think on these things and I'll get back to you when I figure some out!

Moving Beyond

I have had struggles in my life and I have chronicled them here. I have overcome a lot and still deal with the after effects of some. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination.

I am, however, moving beyond my past and my circumstances.

I am strong enough to acknowledge the pain and use my coping skills to face anything new. I am capable of moving on and beyond the pain.I am brave enough to share my story and my every day struggles

Another Bump in the Road

Today I am having a kidney biopsy to determine whether I am rejecting my new kidney. It seems that every time I think I am going to have a nice smooth and straight road in front of me, here comes another bump in the way.

I have had a blood clot, a rejection episode, a hernia, problems with my bloodwork and medications, and 5 kidney biopsies. Each time I think, "what now? Haven't I been through enough?" I feel sorry for myself, and think that I don't deserve it. I have tried to change my way of thinking.

By hitting those "bumps" along the way makes me slow down, just like speed bumps on the road, and look at all of the good around me. I am blessed to have received my transplant, I have a beautiful family, wonderful friends, and a new love. So what if I hit a few bumps along the way, the trip is well worth it.

Anxiety vs. Peace

I feel like I am in a constant battle between anxiety and peace. It alternates which one wins out, but the battle is always there. I have been trying to work on my book, but as I delve into subjects that are too painful the anxiety wins out. If I am peaceful, I don't want to go into those "dark" places and in essence re-live the pain. I have a few tools in my arsenal against anxiety and they are:

• Deep, cleansing breaths
• Staying in the moment and being aware of my surroundings
• Finding something soft to touch
• Listening to fun dance music (not peaceful, but it makes me happy)
• Sitting outside and enjoying nature

They seem like such simple tasks, but they usually work well.

I will admit that sometimes nothing works, so I go to my Chumba Wumba tape inside my head and I...

"Get knocked down,

 But I get up again

 You're never gonna' keep me down!"

Anticipation

Sometimes I get overly excited about something and it causes me to almost obsess about it. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't seem to function normally. This is not a good thing, considering my history. I know that I need sleep, to eat, and to be present in my day to day life. I am trying to make everyone happy in my life, and sometimes at my own expense. I am very happy right now and have a lot of positive changes happening in my life (I'll go into them in another post). I need to just concentrate on them and trust my own heart and mind. I am a strong, capable woman that needs to rely on that strength! Happy Friday everyone!

Insomnia Again

I suffer from insomnia and it has struck again. The one good thing is that I got the laundry done and the dishes too! *YAWN*

Faith

Overcoming

I have overcome a lot in my life, and I am so grateful for all of the struggles I have faced. They have made me the strong, capable, independent woman I am today.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't choose to go through abuse, illness, divorce, depression and a child with depression, an eating disorder or the many complications associated with these things. But I am who I am because of my ability to live with and overcome them.

I've been asked how I can endure so much pain and still remain positive, and to that I answer, it isn't easy. It takes a lot of fight and hard work. I was a very happy, positive and upbeat little girl. Then life happened and I became more negative, always wondering what else could possibly go wrong? When was the torment going to end?

I had to make a choice to not look at the bad, and to look at the positive. Sometimes the only positive thing I can find is that I survived the situation. That alone is enough. I refuse to give up and give in to the ugliness. I am a survivor and I will go on. Being negative and sullen doesn't improve anything, if anything it makes it worse. I will choose to see the good in the world and continue on with my life with love, laughter and joy.

My kids would tell you that I am obsessed with 3 little words and I have them all over my home. "Live, Laugh, Love" They are popular in home decor items and I have found them inspiring. I will LIVE my life to the fullest. I will LAUGH often. I will LOVE much!

New Year...New Life?

My new year started on October 7, 2012 when I received my new kidney and pancreas. I don't think that when the calendar switched from 2012 to 2013 that anything magically changed. I believe that significant life altering changes occur on the most ordinary days of the year. Did I know that when I fell asleep on my couch on Saturday, October 6, 2012 that my life would change a few hours later? No, I didn't. Did anything change at 12:01 AM on Tuesday, January 1, 2013? No, it didn't. Life changes in those little moments in between. It isn't always during monumental changes like life saving surgery, sometimes it is in a glance from a stranger that later becomes a friend. Sometimes it is making a "wrong" turn and ending up in the "right" place. Sometimes it is in changing one's mind for "one last time." I look forward to all of the things that life has to offer, and for each step into my "New Life."