Loving MY Life

I have blogged about my struggle with self esteem and what that means to me.

I have been blatantly honest with how I often fail at loving myself.

I have told you about how much I have hated myself and my body.

I have discussed how badly I have wanted a different life.

Today I am pledging (again) to love the life I have now, not waiting for what I think will make me happy. I will be content with my life, even while striving to better myself and my life. Just because I love my life doesn't mean that I won't continue to work for more, it just means that I won't put my life on hold until I get it.

This is a group that has come into my life through my son, I am 50Million. I love what they teach, and what they have done for him. I have learned via the "osmosis" of living with him and going to some of their classes. Here is a status that they posted today on facebook that made me stop and think:

"A key to absolute happiness is to learn how to Love the life you have right "now". Your life is "now". This life that is truly not missing anything. It might have areas we don't like but it has everything it needs. We have this life right now and we could live in bliss if we can learn how to Love it for all it is. With all we like and dislike, we can still find true Love for this life. We spend so much time wanting our "desired life" or a "future life". That future doesn't exist right "now" and as important as it is to have goals these should not overshadow this life... this "now". True Love is about acceptance and today is a great day to find Love for the life that you have right "now". All we have is the "now" and if you can Love your life in it... you will live with a peace that others only dream of. Love with everything that is you. We strive to Love everything in this "now", for you are and I am 50Million"

Bargains

I love a good bargain, and this time of year there are a lot of them out there. There are also a lot of so-called "bargains" out there. Things that aren't that great once you read the fine print. 

I feel that way about Edith. She seemed so great, helped me get through some rough times. I thought I was looking better the thinner I got, and I was "dealing" with my past well. What I didn't do was read that fine print...

• I would lose hair and teeth
• I wouldn't have energy
• I would develop Osteoporosis
• I would damage my kidneys
• I would lose friends and family
• I would be miserable and lonely

That fine print wasn't worth the great deal that I thought Edith was. I lost so much due to my eating disorder and I can never go back and fix them. 

Don't fall for the bargain that your eating disorder is telling you about. Leave it behind and go for the sure thing...A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE!

Insomnia

I have trouble sleeping these days. I have some prescriptions that help, sometimes.

I have a lot on my mind. I worry a lot. I worry about my kids, my health, my future. I try to stay positive, and I try NOT to worry. I still worry.

I don't understand it, because I know that it doesn't change anything. I know that worrying makes one ill. I know that worrying causes only grief.

I still worry.

If you worry, you are not alone. Fight it. Fight the need to control everything. Fight the urge to go to that negative place that tells you all the ways things can go wrong. Join me in that fight.

Maybe one day I can let go of the worry completely. Right now I let go little by little, and that is all I can do. I will "Let go and let God," as much as I am capable of each day.

I will sleep.

Optimistic

Today is a good day. I feel fabulous and optimistic. I pray that I am going home today, hospital stays are not fun. My health is so important though, so I am being hyper-compliant and doing everything the doctors say. I know that this time of trial will make be well worth it. I already feel stronger. I am excited about my future for the ffirst time in a very long time.

My transplant was successful and I feel great. I haven't had a relapse in, well, I don't know how long. My divorce is final and we are getting along really well. My kids are happy and thriving. Over all life is great.

I REALLY am looking forward to what lies ahead.

Weight Gain

I put on some weight since my surgery, and I needed to, don't get me wrong. I lost a LOT of weight in the weeks after surgery, so the weight was welcome.

AND THEN...

I put on MORE weight. I was starting to "freak out" a  little. It turns out that I was retaining some water and  I  developed a hernia. My waistline was growing and growing fast! I started to panic. I had to do a  lot of positive talk to myself and take  it back  to reality. This wasn't easy while trying to heal, but I kept at it. I had surgery on my hernia and my head seems to be in a good place now.

It just goes to show that this fight is never truly over and that I need to keep fighting to keep healthy, both mind and body.

Complications

I had my transplant 6 weeks ago and although I am so excited and feel wonderful, the journey has not been without complications.

I have had a few episodes of rejection as well as some other medical issues. It has been scary, painful and unnerving. I have fought through and been super compliant, but it doesn't always help. Sometimes even with the best medical care, there are unforeseen circumstances. Especially when you are putting a new organ in someone else's body.

I have had to "roll with the punches" so to speak during this process. I spent 33 out of 43 days in the hospital, it was supposed to be 7-10 days, I went a bit over. I was disappointed that I didn't get to be home on my oldest child's birthday, and Halloween. I was upset many times, and that did little more than raise my blood pressure. I had to let go of my expectations and pray for quick healing and for the doctors and nurses to know what to do.

I am not a patient person by nature, but this journey has taught me a lot about that. Everything comes together in its' own time. I am not the one in charge, God is, and He will direct the circumstances as He sees fit. I am so incredibly grateful that He directed me through all of this.

TRANSPLANT

October 7, 2012 is my new birthday!

I received the gift of life via a Kidney-Pancreas transplant!

The journey has not been easy, but the struggles are well worth it. I can eat what I want, and I am free of insulin and dialysis. I feel stronger than I have in years, and that is an amazing feeling.

I think about my donor every day. I pray for their family, to find peace in their decision. I am not sure of any details about them, and how many people they were able to help, but I am eternally grateful for the gift they gave me.

I have been on this journey for a long time, and although it isn't always easy, I have not relapsed in many years. This gift makes that more important than ever. I will not take these new organs for granted. I have been taking all my meds, eating and TRYING to sleep. I am happy and ready to face the rest of my life.