Comparing Myself

Comparing myself to other women has always been a downfall of mine.

"I'm not as pretty as her."
"I'm not as smart as her."
"I'm not as alluring as her."
"My body isn't as good as her."
"I will never be as good as her."
"She is blonder than me."
"She is taller than me."
"She is...than me."

It can become a never-ending loop. One that I can never win. There will ALWAYS be someone that is "more than." There will ALWAYS be someone that is "better than" me at something.

I can only be the best "me" there is. I do not compare to anyone else, because there is no one else like me. I am okay, just the way I am. Comparing myself to others will only bring me pain, and do me no good.

I am me, and that just has to be enough!

Biting my Nails

I have been biting my nails since I was a very little girl. I don't remember a time I didn't. I do it when I am nervous. I do it when I am bored. I do it while watching movies. I do it while reading a book. It is a terrible habit. I hate how my nails look when I bite them so low they bleed.

I quit biting my nails 3 weeks ago. They are not long and luxurious, but they are shaping up.

It is hard to break a habit that has been so ingrained in my life. I have overcome.

I have overcome so many things over the years. I have overcome some deep depression. I have overcome a debilitating eating disorder. I have overcome severe self loathing. I have overcome a desire to die.

Biting my nails is NOTHING compared to those things, but it has made me take stock of my life and be proud of all that I have overcome.

Turning 40

I turned 40 yesterday. I really wasn't too upset about it. After the year I have had, I felt blessed to be turning 40!

I know there are some that didn't think that was even going to be possible.

Although I am on dialysis, I am stronger and healthier than I have been in years. I have my spunk back and I believe that although there are some challenges ahead, this year will be great! I will prove to everyone that a tough diagnosis does not mean you have to give up on life, or live a dull one.

I have so many great friends and many of them joined me for a celebratory dinner last night and I want to thank them all. At this point in my life, living so far from my biological family, I need them more than ever. These friends are my family, one that I got to choose!

I am 40 and quite happy about it!

I am Tired

I am tired of trying to change other people's view of me. I am tired of trying to prove that I am worthy. I am tired of taking the blame for things that are not my fault. I am tired of having to explain myself to people. I am tired.

It's been a long couple of weeks, but I have learned a lot about myself in that time. I learned that sometimes I just can't control everything. Yeah, I know, I've made that statement before. I also know that I used to try to control the wrong things when my world seemed to be closing in on me. I'm not this time. I am just letting it go. I am letting others make their own choices and not forcing my will on them. I am controlling what I can and that is the way I react to situations I don't like.

I am tired.

Real Strength

I have recently been feeling GREAT about my body. I am getting stronger every day. If you haven't followed my blog, here is a run down:

• In May 2010 I broke my foot
• I had surgery on it and an external fixation device was put in
• That didn't work, so another surgery in July was performed to fuse the bones of my foot together
• In September I was FINALLY able to bear weight on my foot...I broke my ankle almost immediately
• Another surgery on my ankle
• I was in the hospital for over a month with severe anemia, congestive heart failure and kidney disease
• In November, after 6 months, I began walking and driving again
• In January it was determined my my kidneys had completely failed and that I would need to go on dialysis

And now I am feeling pretty good about my body! It may be a bit saggy in spots. It may have scars in others. But I am proud of them. They show that I am a survivor. That I can handle anything life throws at me and come out on top!

I don't have the body of a 20 something anymore, but I have the body of a 40 year old and I couldn't be more proud!

I have found a strength that I didn't know was there, and I will draw on that in the days/weeks/months and years to come!

Racing Thoughts

I get racing thoughts. Things go through my head so fast I can barely focus on any one thing. I go from something about my dogs, to something I need to get at the store, to something about my health, to something about my shoes. It can be exhausting.

Through some of my past therapies I learned a way to make them stop. I am to imagine a symbol that will stop the thoughts, I chose a stop sign. Original, huh? It works though. I just visualize a stop sign, I make a full stop in my brain and I can focus on what needs to be done. I can't say that I use this all the time, but when I do it is very helpful.

I thought I would start sharing some of the tools that I have found useful over the course of my journey. Let me know if you have any tips on making those thoughts "STOP."

Chumbawamba

Nuff said!

Sadness

Today I am sad. Really, really, really sad. My heart aches and I feel physically drained from crying.

Why? That doesn't matter really. I just really feel it down to my bones.

The difference between how I have reacted in the past and how I am reacting now is immeasurable. In the past I would have completely shut down, stopped eating and taking my meds the way I should. Now I push on. My life is too valuable to make the same choices I have before. My eating disorder seemed to be a good coping mechanism when I was in it, but it wasn't. I hate that it has taken me so long to realize this. I hate that I have hurt the people I love most. I hate that I have pushed some of the people that mean the world to me away. My choices in the past are having major consequences in my present, from my kidney failure to strains in some of my relationships. All of this used to be a trigger to lock myself away in my bedroom and shut the world out. Not this time, not ever again. I can weather any storm, for I am strong enough. That all being said...

I am sad. I am really, really, really sad.

Overwhelmed

I have been a bit overwhelmed lately. It is the start of a new school year and my oldest son is a Senior this year. I am very busy running my other son all over the place for all of his activities. Add to that the fact that I am running everywhere still trying to get on a transplant list.

Oh yeah, and I am turning 40, yeah, that's right...F-O-R-T-Y! Yikes!

Really though, that doesn't bother me at all. I just am surprised that I am that old. I often feel like 18 was just yesterday and I can't believe I am about to have both an 18 and 17 year old son!


I am ready for Fall and all that it brings, not that it brings cool temps and pretty leaves down here in Florida, but it is still my favorite season. It is still what I consider as my new year, forget January 1st!

Happy New Year everyone!