Wednesday, June 2, 2010


I am healing after surgery last week. I am following my doctor's orders and am staying off of my injured foot. I am relying on others to do things I would like to do for myself. I am finding new ways to do some things, so that I still have my independence.

I am healing.

I am healing from old wounds. Wounds that were inflicted on my as a small child. I am re-applying the salve and bandages that I kept ripping off before. I am allowing those hurts to heal fully and although there will always be a scar to remind me, the wounds are finally healing.

To do this I must become more aware.

I think that my depression and my eating disorder are both things that I have never consciously chosen, however, I have made decisions that have led me down those roads. Strangely enough, I was watching a biography on Robert Downey, Jr. and I think that he said something so profound and it struck a chord with me.

He said, "Once a definitive decision is made, and I know that there's all this stuff about it's a disease, it's a moral dilemma, it's this, it's all this other stuff, but I think that at the end of the day it's the lack of making a solid personal decision. And sometimes the stakes have to be so high that it's clear."

In the past month I have made a definitive decision to be healthy. If that means I have to take pills and shots that I don't want to take, then I will take them. If it means that I need to eat a certain amount of food at certain times of the day, then I will. If it means that I go to regular therapy sessions, I will go.

I am making a definitive decision to be the best Rachel I can be.

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