Christmas-time is Here

Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year. I love the music, decorations, cards, cookies, and of course presents. I love to get presents, but I really LOVE to give presents. I love to bake, I love to sing. I really love it. From the day after Thanksgiving and on past New Years I have my tree up.


I guess part of the reason is how my mom and step-dad went all out when we were kids. It was a time that was always magical. I could forget the rest of my cares and get lost in the majesty of it all.


This Christmas is going to be hard. We have had some challenges this year, and as much as I would like to think that life will change after the first of the year, I know that it won't happen that way. Things will eventually get better, but not just because the calendar changed over to 2012. 


I will be making my own "magic" in the coming year, and I will not be doing it by myself. I have my kids and my friends to help me along the way. I will no longer put all of my faith in one person, hoping they will "save" me. I am relying on the love of others to help me along the way, but I will be taking charge. 


I am determined to still love this holiday season, and although it won't be like in years past, it will still be magical!


Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to one and all! Even YOU! ;D

Affirmation

If I can endure for this minute whatever is happening to me, no matter how heavy my heart is or how dark the moment might be...

If I can but keep on believing what I know in my heart to be true...

That darkness will fade with morning and that this will pass away too...

Then nothing can ever disturb me or fill me with uncertain fear...

For as sure as night brings dawning, my morning is bound to appear...

Thank you "Something Fishy" for this affirmation, and many of the others.

Affirmation

I have decided to start posting affirmations again, this is  a good one to start with:

Though no one can go back and make a new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end.

Comparing Myself

Comparing myself to other women has always been a downfall of mine.

"I'm not as pretty as her."
"I'm not as smart as her."
"I'm not as alluring as her."
"My body isn't as good as her."
"I will never be as good as her."
"She is blonder than me."
"She is taller than me."
"She is...than me."

It can become a never-ending loop. One that I can never win. There will ALWAYS be someone that is "more than." There will ALWAYS be someone that is "better than" me at something.

I can only be the best "me" there is. I do not compare to anyone else, because there is no one else like me. I am okay, just the way I am. Comparing myself to others will only bring me pain, and do me no good.

I am me, and that just has to be enough!

Biting my Nails

I have been biting my nails since I was a very little girl. I don't remember a time I didn't. I do it when I am nervous. I do it when I am bored. I do it while watching movies. I do it while reading a book. It is a terrible habit. I hate how my nails look when I bite them so low they bleed.

I quit biting my nails 3 weeks ago. They are not long and luxurious, but they are shaping up.

It is hard to break a habit that has been so ingrained in my life. I have overcome.

I have overcome so many things over the years. I have overcome some deep depression. I have overcome a debilitating eating disorder. I have overcome severe self loathing. I have overcome a desire to die.

Biting my nails is NOTHING compared to those things, but it has made me take stock of my life and be proud of all that I have overcome.

Turning 40

I turned 40 yesterday. I really wasn't too upset about it. After the year I have had, I felt blessed to be turning 40!

I know there are some that didn't think that was even going to be possible.

Although I am on dialysis, I am stronger and healthier than I have been in years. I have my spunk back and I believe that although there are some challenges ahead, this year will be great! I will prove to everyone that a tough diagnosis does not mean you have to give up on life, or live a dull one.

I have so many great friends and many of them joined me for a celebratory dinner last night and I want to thank them all. At this point in my life, living so far from my biological family, I need them more than ever. These friends are my family, one that I got to choose!

I am 40 and quite happy about it!

I am Tired

I am tired of trying to change other people's view of me. I am tired of trying to prove that I am worthy. I am tired of taking the blame for things that are not my fault. I am tired of having to explain myself to people. I am tired.

It's been a long couple of weeks, but I have learned a lot about myself in that time. I learned that sometimes I just can't control everything. Yeah, I know, I've made that statement before. I also know that I used to try to control the wrong things when my world seemed to be closing in on me. I'm not this time. I am just letting it go. I am letting others make their own choices and not forcing my will on them. I am controlling what I can and that is the way I react to situations I don't like.

I am tired.