Sunday, September 20, 2009

Finding a Reason to Live

Every day is a gift, that is why it is called the present.

When someone first asked me why I was trying to kill myself, I was dumbfounded. I didn't understand, yet it made perfect sense. I didn't think anyone understood the aching inside of me, that no one could know how much I wanted the pain to stop. I wasn't actively trying to die, but passively it seemed I was.

Starvation is a death sentence.

I had to really search deep to find that desire to live. I wasn't sure there was a reason. I was so gripped with depression that I didn't think anything good would ever happen to me again.

Then I thought about my children, I thought about my wonderfully supportive husband, I thought about the friends that loved me. There was a light at the end of the tunnel, and this time it did not seem like an oncoming train.

These glimpses of light started the journey. I could focus on good things, even the smell of sheets dried on the line, or the beauty of a daisy, the love of my family and friends. These are all good things, but just the beginning.

I had to find the desire within myself to live my life and to live it fully.

It took a long time, it was painful to focus so much attention on me and my needs. It was rough to change my perspective about myself. I had been so negative about myself for so long that thinking positively was so foreign to me.

I found my joy for life deep within myself. I was truly worth love and joy! I want to experience life to its fullest, and I am beginning to do that.

I was put on this earth to fulfill a purpose. I think I may be seeing it come to life right now, to share my story. I hope to inspire you on your journey, wherever it may take you. I hope that you will use my story in whatever way you want, a cautionary tale, a glimpse of a way out of a downward spiral, whatever.

Very soon it will be my 38th birthday, in about half an hour actually. It is a time to celebrate life and what I have accomplished in my life. Thank you for helping me to do that!

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