Thursday, September 3, 2009

I Long for Control

I have written about how much I wanted to fit in and be beautiful. I wanted to be that ideal weight, have the right hair, etc. I became obsessed with looking like those I admired in Hollywood. I have always felt plain at my best, disgusting at my worst. That is true, but it isn't the whole story.

If you read my previous post about my letter to Edith, you might understand this post better. It was about the control. I craved some sort of control in my life and at the time thought that by deciding what did and what did not go into my body was the only way to find that control.

I am a survivor of abuse. I felt that I had little control over what happened to my body. There was someone else that had that control.

I wanted to take back that control.

Once I started losing weight, and people gave me positive feedback about that, the monster known as Edith appeared.

I lied to those I loved. I hid from those that loved me. I embraced the eating disorder as if it were the only thing that mattered.

I could control what did and did not go into my body. I could control what I did and did not do. At least I thought I had that control, but again, it grew and took over my every waking and sleeping moment. At some point I was helpless to fight it.

It took others to see me in pain, and to reach in and pull me out.

Suddenly I had to look at Edith square on and see what was really happening to me, and what I was doing to myself with the choices I made. I was no longer blind to the hell I was putting my body and spirit to. Edith is evil, yes, but she is also "me."

I believe that most people want to have control over what happens to them, and I also believe that we give up that control with choices we make. Sometimes it is mperceptible, sometimes it is obvious.

Maybe you are angry at someone. You can't stop thinking about what they did to hurt you. The thoughts start to consume you. Do you believe that the person you are angry with is actually hurt by your feelings? Do you think they waste a moment worrying about you? That anger has taken over your life.

By recognizing the thing that has control over our lives, we can take steps to take the control back. That is what I am trying to do. Will you join me in this fight?

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