Tuesday, September 8, 2009


It has been hard for me to keep friends. I could make friends easily enough, but they didn't last.

I am sure there are many reasons why, the majority of them of my own making.

I have a tendency to wear a mask, and it is funny, witty, smart, caring, etc. I come off as a great person and then things break down. Sometimes it burns out fast, other times it fizzles out slowly.

I can be needy, whining, complaining and demanding. I try not to play the victim role, but old habits are hard to break.I used to think that the only way people would care about me was if they felt sorry for me. I would be so pathetic that they wouldn't leave me because they would feel too guilty. I wanted so badly to be loved. I didn't take good care of myself. I would not eat right, not take my medications correctly, and generally created a mess.

None of this I did consciously. I didn't sit down and say, "Hey, if I get sick, people will love me." It has only been after years of introspection that have I been able to realize why I didn't have any friends that lasted for very long.

We have moved around quite a bit, and I always had the intention of staying in touch, but I rarely did. This is because I thought it would be easier to cut things off before they did. I didn't want to be left. I think this is how I handled ALL of my relationships until my husband came along. I left before they could leave me.

It all comes down to self worth. I did not feel worthy of love. I thought that I was unlovable.

I have since learned otherwise. I have some friends that have not given up on me. I have a husband that loves me unconditionally. These are all such great things, but not enough.

I had to learn to love myself. I had to learn that deep down I was enough. The person that I was born to be was just enough. I don't have to be anything for anyone, other than what I am.

What an amazing revelation that was. That was the key to getting well.


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