Monday, September 7, 2009

Get Over It!

This is an excerpt from the book I am writing. Comments welcome!

I went through all of the motions of being "OK" with everything. I told just about everyone about the abuse and that I was so over it.


To everyone, but especially to myself.

I thought that if I talked about it enough, I would be okay. That's what the woeld would say...get it all out, don't bottle it up.

I was doing a lot of talking, but not a lot of feeling. I shoved the feelings of shame, abandonment, fear, terror, guilt, pain, anger, suffering, loneliness and trauma (among others) so far down that I didn't even know they were there.

I thought that I was the poster child for "getting over it," and "moving on." I was, however, the queen of stuffed feelings.

I was great at giving advice, speaking in public, and saying what I knew people wanted to hear. I was dying inside.

I wanted someone to see the pain I was in, but I didn't want to say anything. I expected those that loved me to see it, I wanted mind readers. I had very unrealistic requirements of those that saide they loved me.

I often latched on to people that showed me any attention. I clung so tightly that I pushed them away.

If I had a long-distance friend, I would just ignore their calls and letters. I moved on, knowing in my heart that they would drop me if I was too "clingy."

I had some skewed logic, I know. I still don't totally understand it.

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