Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Numbing my Feelings

My feelings are a blessing.

One thing about eating disorders that I hadn't fully realized until I was in treatment, is that I was numbing out. The way someone might use alcohol or drugs to disconnect from their feelings, I was using Edith. I didn't like feeling sad, angry, scared, anxious, etc.

By starving myself, my body was shutting down all non-vital functions to keep me alive. One of those functions was the ability to acknowledge my feelings and to connect with others around me.

We live in a scary world, there is violence, economic troubles, natural disasters and many other things that make it hard to live. I acknowledge that, but by blocking out all of the bad feelings, I also blocked the good ones. I couldn't feel the joy of watching my sons play baseball, or learn how to ride their bikes. I couldn't enjoy the taste of my favorite foods, or savor the feeling of being in my husband's arms.

This affirmation made me stop and realize that each of my feelings is a blessing, be they "good" or "bad," they are mine. I may still struggle with not wanting to feel those negative emotions, who doesn't? But the bad times make the good times feel so much better. I love watching my kids grow up, I love seeing them accomplish new things. I know I am truly blessed, and that my feelings truly are a blessing.

No comments:

Post a Comment