Just when I thought I was over the anger, it sneaks back up on me!
I was abused as a child. It was ugly and it was painful. It changed who I am and how I react to those around me.
I have forgiven my abuser, but have been unable to forget. That ultimately is a good thing, as it helps to keep me from becoming a perpetrator myself.
The problem is when the anger sneaks up on me and all I want to do is throttle him! I tend to take it out on myself instead. I know this is a totally unhealthy thing, and I am fighting against it. Thank God I have a great support system and a fantastic family that loves me unconditionally.
Some day I hope to be totally over the anger, and the flashbacks. Until that day comes I must find a way to deal with the anger, the shame and the feeling that things are out of my control. I am working on it, but first I need to understand that this is perfectly normal.
Any thoughts?
I would love to see your comments here on the blog. Thanks for those of you that post on facebook, but I would like to have comments posted here for those readers that are not my facebook friends.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Sleep is Good
It is amazing what a few nights of good, restful sleep can do for a person's spirit and mood.
I KNEW that getting a good night's sleep was crucial to one's overall health, but it eluded me. I have seen it in magazines, heard it spoken about on the radio and watched countless stories about it on television.
I would try to go to sleep early and lie awake for hours crying that I was so tired and couldn't fall asleep. Or I would fall right to sleep and be awake 3 hours later and up for the rest of the night.
I couldn't seem to get it right. I tried everything "they" told me too. No naps during the day, no caffeine after 2:00 PM, total darkness in my bedroom, a warm bath (not too hot, not too cool), chamomile tea, warm milk, whatever I tried it did NOT work. Nothing could slow my mind in its racing thoughts, not listening to the sounds of the sea or Enya's crooning. Nothing could stop the worry, not counting sheep or backwards from 100.
I was "Sleepless in Orlando." (Or Lincoln, or St. Joseph, or Fredericktown, or Mt. Vernon for that matter).
When I am in the throws of a horrible depression, sleep is one of the things that seems unattainable. That is except during the daytime, because then I just could sleep the days away, huddled up in my little cocoon. That dark place takes one of the most nourishing things from me and makes it ugly.
But, now that I have admitted I am depressed and started on some medication, I have been sleeping like a child. Matt even recognized it. He said that he could have come in and painted all over my face and I wouldn't have noticed, and he was so happy. He knew how miserably tired I have been and that sleeping at night would be such a huge relief.
Now I can enjoy my days, AND my nights! Have a great day my readers!
I KNEW that getting a good night's sleep was crucial to one's overall health, but it eluded me. I have seen it in magazines, heard it spoken about on the radio and watched countless stories about it on television.
I would try to go to sleep early and lie awake for hours crying that I was so tired and couldn't fall asleep. Or I would fall right to sleep and be awake 3 hours later and up for the rest of the night.
I couldn't seem to get it right. I tried everything "they" told me too. No naps during the day, no caffeine after 2:00 PM, total darkness in my bedroom, a warm bath (not too hot, not too cool), chamomile tea, warm milk, whatever I tried it did NOT work. Nothing could slow my mind in its racing thoughts, not listening to the sounds of the sea or Enya's crooning. Nothing could stop the worry, not counting sheep or backwards from 100.
I was "Sleepless in Orlando." (Or Lincoln, or St. Joseph, or Fredericktown, or Mt. Vernon for that matter).
When I am in the throws of a horrible depression, sleep is one of the things that seems unattainable. That is except during the daytime, because then I just could sleep the days away, huddled up in my little cocoon. That dark place takes one of the most nourishing things from me and makes it ugly.
But, now that I have admitted I am depressed and started on some medication, I have been sleeping like a child. Matt even recognized it. He said that he could have come in and painted all over my face and I wouldn't have noticed, and he was so happy. He knew how miserably tired I have been and that sleeping at night would be such a huge relief.
Now I can enjoy my days, AND my nights! Have a great day my readers!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Rough Days
This week has been rough.
A long drive out of state on Monday, watching my son go through some rigorous medical testing on Tuesday, he had surgery on Wednesday, and today we drove home. He was in some serious pain and it was very difficult to not be able to help him.
While going through a downturn in my depression, I was concerned with how I would handle the stress of the week.
I handled it well and am very pleased with how things are going. I started new medication on Saturday and I'm not sure that it is working yet, but I will keep taking it until it does!
Each day is a battle right now to do the right thing and take care of myself. I know that it won't be easy, but I am willing to fight it out.
A long drive out of state on Monday, watching my son go through some rigorous medical testing on Tuesday, he had surgery on Wednesday, and today we drove home. He was in some serious pain and it was very difficult to not be able to help him.
While going through a downturn in my depression, I was concerned with how I would handle the stress of the week.
I handled it well and am very pleased with how things are going. I started new medication on Saturday and I'm not sure that it is working yet, but I will keep taking it until it does!
Each day is a battle right now to do the right thing and take care of myself. I know that it won't be easy, but I am willing to fight it out.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Admission
I have a confession to make, or more appropriately, an admission.
I am in the throws of a major depression. This is requiring me to go back into counseling and seek help through medication.
This does not mean I am a failure or that I am weak. The fact that I can admit it before it gets to the point that I am a complete recluse, lying in my bed all day and not taking care of myself, only shows that I am strong.
I have tried to make this blog totally positive and I try not to dwell on the ugly, sad truth that is my on-going battle with Edith. I am much stronger than her, yet she has a pull that is hard to resist. I don't always win the battles, but I am most definitely winning the war.
Just a warning that things may get ugly from here on out, as I am not going to censor myself anymore.
I probably won't write for a few days as I am dealing with some big family stuff.
I will be back and am prepared to share my entire story and to lay it all on the line. My husband said something that made me think the other day as I was lying in the hospital from another bout of Diabetic Ketoacidosis. It was that people really needed to see the real me, not the super upbeat-fake version of me. Other people are suffering today, and they feel as alone as I do. So here goes...
Let's take this journey together and beat those crappy eating disorders and depressions into submission!
I am in the throws of a major depression. This is requiring me to go back into counseling and seek help through medication.
This does not mean I am a failure or that I am weak. The fact that I can admit it before it gets to the point that I am a complete recluse, lying in my bed all day and not taking care of myself, only shows that I am strong.
I have tried to make this blog totally positive and I try not to dwell on the ugly, sad truth that is my on-going battle with Edith. I am much stronger than her, yet she has a pull that is hard to resist. I don't always win the battles, but I am most definitely winning the war.
Just a warning that things may get ugly from here on out, as I am not going to censor myself anymore.
I probably won't write for a few days as I am dealing with some big family stuff.
I will be back and am prepared to share my entire story and to lay it all on the line. My husband said something that made me think the other day as I was lying in the hospital from another bout of Diabetic Ketoacidosis. It was that people really needed to see the real me, not the super upbeat-fake version of me. Other people are suffering today, and they feel as alone as I do. So here goes...
Let's take this journey together and beat those crappy eating disorders and depressions into submission!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Smiling
The simple act of smiling makes me feel better, even if I don't want to smile.
Smiling at a stranger can change their outlook on life.
A smile...it is a gift to oneself as well as to others.
I am not speaking of the mask that some wear to hide their pain. I am speaking of trying to smile to change your outlook. There is something about a smile that changes your mood.
"Smiling is a great way to make yourself stand out while helping your body to function better. Smile to improve your health, your stress level, and your attractiveness. Smiling is just one fun way to live longer read about the others and try as many as you can. "
This is a video I found on YouTube that made me "smile"
Smiling at a stranger can change their outlook on life.
A smile...it is a gift to oneself as well as to others.
I am not speaking of the mask that some wear to hide their pain. I am speaking of trying to smile to change your outlook. There is something about a smile that changes your mood.
"Smiling is a great way to make yourself stand out while helping your body to function better. Smile to improve your health, your stress level, and your attractiveness. Smiling is just one fun way to live longer read about the others and try as many as you can. "
This is a video I found on YouTube that made me "smile"
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