Trusting Others

I find it extremely hard to put my trust in someone completely. I do believe that most people want what is best for others, and don't intentionally hurt those they love. I also believe that whether intentional or not, they will ultimately disappoint me.

I know this is contrary to what I want people to think of me. It makes me a bit dark, and pessimistic and I don't like that. I would like to be able to dwell on the positive and see the good in all things.

I think that I actually have a unique ability to see both sides of most situations. Whether I agree with both sides or not is not important. I can see different points of view rather easily.

Although I find it difficult to trust in individuals, I believe in humanity as a whole. I try to practice "random acts of kindness" to spur on that goodness in individuals. Sometimes all someone needs to brighten their outlook is a smile.

I will strive to practice one random act of kindness each day!

Trying New Things

Today I have been home ill. I really don't feel well, but I wanted to accomplish SOMETHING.

I have started watching American Sign Language (ASL) lessons through DVDs and on YouTube. It is always good to try something new, especially when it will benefit my family and myself!

Wish me luck!

Finding Love

I have often felt unworthy and unlovable. I didn't think it was possible for anyone other than my mother to love me and I didn't understand why she would.

This is the sad cycle of someone with no sense of self worth.

I found love, I found it in my glorious husband and his wonderful family.

Now, let me set the record straight, my mom and my family DO love me. I just didn't feel like I deserved it.

For some reason, Matt loved me, I am still unsure why. I am glad he did/does though.

When my kids were small I used to make sure my arms were full when we went to visit Matt's family. I was so uncomfortable with the fact that they ALL hugged me EVERY TIME I saw them. I thought they would see through me and realize how unlovable I truly was.

You know what though, they saw through my walls and loved me anyway! They showed me that it was okay to open up and be real with them. They loved me anyway!

Thank you Humphrey family for loving me and making me one of yours! And thank you mom and Shawn, Jason, and Sylvia for loving me always!

Breaking the Rules

I am learning to let go of the rules I put in my head for the way I think things should go.

I have always placed arbitrary rules on my life that I thought would make it easier. They have not. It is hard for me to be spontaneous, I like to plan. There were days when my kids were younger that my husband would come home from work and say "Let's go out!" He would want to take me to my favorite restaurant, and I didn't want to go because I had hot dogs and macaroni and cheese planned. It was not that I loved that meal more, it was just the fact that I had plans.

I missed out on a lot of opportunities in my lifetime because I "couldn't, shouldn't, wouldn't" try new things. I call this "shoulding on myself." I may have heard that in treatment, but I have adopted the phrase.

I am determined to not let this pattern continue.

Rules are made to be broken, right?

Monday Monday

Do you like Mondays?

I am strange, but I do. I love the idea of starting over. It is sort of like "New Year" every week for me. I don't make grandiose resolutions at the start of each year, but small ones each week. I like to start off each week by saying, "This WILL be a great week and I am ready to take it on!

Will you join me in embracing Mondays?

Feeling a Bit Blue

Today I am feeling a bit blue.

I took about 15 minutes to really feel the sadness. I let the tears flow and the feelings flow right along with them. This is hard for me to do. In the past I would have:

1. Suppressed the feelings and put on my "happy face" for the world to see. OR...
2. Went into the sadness and let it overwhelm me.
   

I feel good about the fact that I was able to feel the sadness for a short time and then move past it. I have lots of things to be sad about, it is tough to watch those that I love suffer. Or to hear their precious voices on the phone and want to be there to hug them. It is hard to let my son go back to his school every week.

But there is much to be thankful for as well. I get to see my boy every weekend, and hug him and love on him. I get to see my other son every day and hug on him and love on him as well. I also get to spend time with my fabulous husband, and as little as that time is some days, texting and emailing and calling each other gets us through. I also get to see my Mom-In-Law next weekend and that is a blessing that I cannot describe!

So, my advice tonight is to let the feelings flow, but set a timer and don't let it overtake you!