Another Bump in the Road

Today I am having a kidney biopsy to determine whether I am rejecting my new kidney. It seems that every time I think I am going to have a nice smooth and straight road in front of me, here comes another bump in the way.

I have had a blood clot, a rejection episode, a hernia, problems with my bloodwork and medications, and 5 kidney biopsies. Each time I think, "what now? Haven't I been through enough?" I feel sorry for myself, and think that I don't deserve it. I have tried to change my way of thinking.

By hitting those "bumps" along the way makes me slow down, just like speed bumps on the road, and look at all of the good around me. I am blessed to have received my transplant, I have a beautiful family, wonderful friends, and a new love. So what if I hit a few bumps along the way, the trip is well worth it.

New Year...New Life?

My new year started on October 7, 2012 when I received my new kidney and pancreas. I don't think that when the calendar switched from 2012 to 2013 that anything magically changed. I believe that significant life altering changes occur on the most ordinary days of the year. Did I know that when I fell asleep on my couch on Saturday, October 6, 2012 that my life would change a few hours later? No, I didn't. Did anything change at 12:01 AM on Tuesday, January 1, 2013? No, it didn't. Life changes in those little moments in between. It isn't always during monumental changes like life saving surgery, sometimes it is in a glance from a stranger that later becomes a friend. Sometimes it is making a "wrong" turn and ending up in the "right" place. Sometimes it is in changing one's mind for "one last time." I look forward to all of the things that life has to offer, and for each step into my "New Life."

Loving MY Life

I have blogged about my struggle with self esteem and what that means to me.

I have been blatantly honest with how I often fail at loving myself.

I have told you about how much I have hated myself and my body.

I have discussed how badly I have wanted a different life.

Today I am pledging (again) to love the life I have now, not waiting for what I think will make me happy. I will be content with my life, even while striving to better myself and my life. Just because I love my life doesn't mean that I won't continue to work for more, it just means that I won't put my life on hold until I get it.

This is a group that has come into my life through my son, I am 50Million. I love what they teach, and what they have done for him. I have learned via the "osmosis" of living with him and going to some of their classes. Here is a status that they posted today on facebook that made me stop and think:

"A key to absolute happiness is to learn how to Love the life you have right "now". Your life is "now". This life that is truly not missing anything. It might have areas we don't like but it has everything it needs. We have this life right now and we could live in bliss if we can learn how to Love it for all it is. With all we like and dislike, we can still find true Love for this life. We spend so much time wanting our "desired life" or a "future life". That future doesn't exist right "now" and as important as it is to have goals these should not overshadow this life... this "now". True Love is about acceptance and today is a great day to find Love for the life that you have right "now". All we have is the "now" and if you can Love your life in it... you will live with a peace that others only dream of. Love with everything that is you. We strive to Love everything in this "now", for you are and I am 50Million"

Test Results

I am on the transplant list, and I am thrilled about that. I am so excited to have the second chance at health and life.

Each year I have to go back and get the battery of tests to make sure that I am still in good enough health for the transplant. This is not something that I like to do, but it is necessary, so I do it. Last week I had all of the "lady" parts looked at, and that is my least favorite. I already struggle with that because of the abuse I suffered as a girl, but I wasn't concerned that anything was wrong.

I have to have further tests on my uterus and breasts. There were "somethings" that need to have further investigation. It reminded me not to get comfortable, to keep putting my faith in the Father. Life is not easy, and although I should want for nothing and be content in my circumstances, I know that I need to daily turn all of my fears over to Him.

I am strong, I can endure much, but I cannot endure all of this on my own. I am greatly overwhelmed right now, and I can admit that. There are days where I break down and I think, "why me?" There are then days where I feel so incredibly blessed. I am just taking it one day at a time, and some days, one minute at a time!

Liking Myself

I'll admit it, I struggle with liking myself. 

I really don't remember a time that this wasn't a struggle. I have had moments where I felt good about myself. I have had moments where I feel pretty. I have even had a few moments where I felt proud of myself. It has never been easy though.


I went through an extended period of time where I was feeling good and strong, confident in myself. I then let the circumstances of my life knock me down. My husband leaving was really hard and I blamed him for my feelings of inadequacy. 


It wasn't/isn't his fault. I let myself start to listen to the old "tapes" that played in my head for most of my life. Tapes that said I wasn't good enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough. Tapes that left me trapped, unable to move forward, unable to strive for something more. 


I am making a choice right now that says I am ENOUGH. I am the best "me" I can be. 

Moving On

When my husband said he was leaving, he said it was time for him to "move on." I didn't understand, and still don't totally understand, but I had to accept it. I really didn't have a choice, the only other option was to continue screaming and crying. Which I did a lot of. I loved him, and still do, but I have learned that it is now time for me to "move on" as well. It is not something I would have chosen, but it is the healthiest thing for me to do now.


I am actually starting to love my life again. I can now do what I want without having to ask someone else's opinion. I can choose to spend the day in my pajamas or save the dishes for tomorrow without feeling like I am letting someone down. (not that he was saying it, I was the one feeling it)


I have wanted to go back to Ohio to visit my family, and because he had another commitment, I had to miss a trip last year. Not this year, I am going back to a camp reunion and to see my mom, sister and brothers. 


It is time for him to live the life he has always wanted, and for me to do so as well. 


Our marriage produced two beautiful children and a friendship that I think will last a lifetime. It won't be the same, but I know that if I were in trouble, he would be there. There is no reason for us to fight, because we are both "moving on."

Comparing Myself

Comparing myself to other women has always been a downfall of mine.

"I'm not as pretty as her."
"I'm not as smart as her."
"I'm not as alluring as her."
"My body isn't as good as her."
"I will never be as good as her."
"She is blonder than me."
"She is taller than me."
"She is...than me."

It can become a never-ending loop. One that I can never win. There will ALWAYS be someone that is "more than." There will ALWAYS be someone that is "better than" me at something.

I can only be the best "me" there is. I do not compare to anyone else, because there is no one else like me. I am okay, just the way I am. Comparing myself to others will only bring me pain, and do me no good.

I am me, and that just has to be enough!

Real Strength

I have recently been feeling GREAT about my body. I am getting stronger every day. If you haven't followed my blog, here is a run down:

• In May 2010 I broke my foot
• I had surgery on it and an external fixation device was put in
• That didn't work, so another surgery in July was performed to fuse the bones of my foot together
• In September I was FINALLY able to bear weight on my foot...I broke my ankle almost immediately
• Another surgery on my ankle
• I was in the hospital for over a month with severe anemia, congestive heart failure and kidney disease
• In November, after 6 months, I began walking and driving again
• In January it was determined my my kidneys had completely failed and that I would need to go on dialysis

And now I am feeling pretty good about my body! It may be a bit saggy in spots. It may have scars in others. But I am proud of them. They show that I am a survivor. That I can handle anything life throws at me and come out on top!

I don't have the body of a 20 something anymore, but I have the body of a 40 year old and I couldn't be more proud!

I have found a strength that I didn't know was there, and I will draw on that in the days/weeks/months and years to come!

Racing Thoughts

I get racing thoughts. Things go through my head so fast I can barely focus on any one thing. I go from something about my dogs, to something I need to get at the store, to something about my health, to something about my shoes. It can be exhausting.

Through some of my past therapies I learned a way to make them stop. I am to imagine a symbol that will stop the thoughts, I chose a stop sign. Original, huh? It works though. I just visualize a stop sign, I make a full stop in my brain and I can focus on what needs to be done. I can't say that I use this all the time, but when I do it is very helpful.

I thought I would start sharing some of the tools that I have found useful over the course of my journey. Let me know if you have any tips on making those thoughts "STOP."

Sadness

Today I am sad. Really, really, really sad. My heart aches and I feel physically drained from crying.

Why? That doesn't matter really. I just really feel it down to my bones.

The difference between how I have reacted in the past and how I am reacting now is immeasurable. In the past I would have completely shut down, stopped eating and taking my meds the way I should. Now I push on. My life is too valuable to make the same choices I have before. My eating disorder seemed to be a good coping mechanism when I was in it, but it wasn't. I hate that it has taken me so long to realize this. I hate that I have hurt the people I love most. I hate that I have pushed some of the people that mean the world to me away. My choices in the past are having major consequences in my present, from my kidney failure to strains in some of my relationships. All of this used to be a trigger to lock myself away in my bedroom and shut the world out. Not this time, not ever again. I can weather any storm, for I am strong enough. That all being said...

I am sad. I am really, really, really sad.

Happiness

"As I walk this land of broken dreams,

I have visions of many things.

Love's happiness is just an illusion,

Filled with sadness and confusion. 

What becomes of the broken-hearted

Who had love that's now departed?

I know I've got to find

Some kind of peace of mind."

~Jimmy Ruffin, "What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted"

This song gets stuck in my head sometimes. And I think it is because I used to believe it. "...happiness is just an illusion." I didn't really understand true happiness, because I was so used to pretending to be happy. That mask became such a part of me that I couldn't tell what was real and what was an act. 

These days, I have found true happiness, true JOY! It is really weird, at 39 years of age, and after 18 years of marriage, I finally get it. I have found joy inside of me and in the relationships that I have developed.  I am not reliant on any person for that happiness/joy, but they surely have helped me to experience it in abundance.

Playing Around!

Today my kids had some friends over for a pool party. There were a LOT of them, and they were messy and loud, and silly and funny. I had so much fun watching them play around, bouncing beach balls around and jumping into the pool with cannon balls, laughing in the hot tub and eating like a swarm of locusts!

It reminded me to live in the moment and to have fun, to attack life with abandon and to stick close with my friends.

I loved it! I am very happy to have their friends over. We may not have the largest or the most "perfectly" decorated home, but their friends know they are welcome here.

I love just "playing around" and enjoying life instead of always worrying about what others might think of me if I am silly.

Permission

Today I gave myself permission to be lazy! Not to say that I haven't been lazy before, I have, many times in fact. This time was different. There was no guilt or shame in it. I lazed by the pool, swam a bit, but basically just laid in the sun and enjoyed the peace and quiet.

I still have work that needs to be done, and it will, but I just wanted some time to enjoy the outdoors. I wanted to take advantage of the fact that I live in Florida, and we have a huge pool in our community that beckons.

Sometimes it is good, just to BE!

Happy summer everyone!

Yuck

This is what I felt like this morning.

Like I had been knocked down, face first in the mud and I was being run over by untold number of feet. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to hide away.

It's been a long time since I have felt this discouraged, this defeated. I didn't want to fight it, I wanted to curl up inside of it.

I didn't. I got up, I took my son to school. I washed dishes, and did some laundry. I did some prep work for dinner tonight and I sat outside soaking up the sun for a bit. I took a bath, did my hair and makeup and even put on a dress and sandals. I went to the doctor and Flory (the nurse) said, "you have a hot date or somethin'? You look GREAT!" I smiled and said, "nope, just felt like crap today and decided if I couldn't feel good inside, I would look good on the outside. Fake it 'til you make it!" She smiled as she left the room.

This of course made me stop and think. I did feel better. I thought I looked pretty darn good, and I got even more confirmation of that fact from Rosia (the receptionist) as I left.

Sometimes we do need to put on that smile and muscle through the "mud" in our lives. Get up, wipe it off and soldier on. No one ever said the road to recovery was easy, but I think it is much easier with a little bit of makeup and a nice smile.

Excuse me while I brush out the last bit of mud from my hair, I am feeling pretty darn good right about now!

Dreamin'

I have many dreams for my future and for the future of those I love.

• I would love to have enough money to pay for my kids to go to college and graduate with no debt.
• I want my children to find a love to last a lifetime.
• I want my family to enjoy these last few years we will be a unit.
• I want good health for all of us.
• I want a clean house, ALWAYS, not just the days I am having company.
• I want to find a new, meaningful career.
• I want a new kidney!

These are all good dreams, some are easily attained, whereas others, may take a bit of work. I can still dream them. It takes the dream/wish/desire to start the ball rolling on these things.

It is fun to be fully present in my life, and still be able to dream about the future. Edith is not consuming my every waking thought, and my dreams/nightmares in my sleep. I am no longer trapped in the "what ifs" or the "somedays." I can let the past go, live life today, and be excited about tomorrow.

Simple Pleasures

Today I am reminded of the simple pleasures in life once again.

I had my catheter in my chest removed. It was used to administer dialysis, now I have what is called a fistula in my arm. With the removal of the catheter I can do things I haven't been able to do since January. I can swim, bathe, and shower! I am so excited I can barely contain myself.

Each day is a blessing and a gift from God. I appreciate so much about my life and life in general.

I have said it before, but my sons are the light of my life. Even though they are teenagers, and it isn't always easy to navigate this difficult stage, I love them so much. I love to see the differences in them as they grow up and become their own men. I love to sit and have deep, intelligent conversations with them. Even when we argue, afterward I can appreciate that they have their own ideas and opinions.

I choose to find joy in every aspect of my life.

Affirmation

I do not need to be paranoid and have to think every event means something.

I have this problem regularly. My husband is a musician and he writes his own music. Every time I hear a new song of his, I try to figure out what he is saying about ME or US. He says, sometimes a song is just a song. That taught me a lesson that everything isn't about ME, and that every time something happens it isn't supposed to be something that I need to decipher. Sometimes things just happen.

Perspective

You are at a yard sale. You see an old, ugly, worn out rocking chair. You think to yourself, "who would ever buy such a thing."

Let's change perspective.

The lady that put it out there, just lost her mother and is cleaning out her house. She didn't want to put the chair out, but she lived far away and didn't have room in her small apartment. The chair was her mother's favorite. She rocked her babies in it when they came home from the hospital. She held them there when they were sick. She sat in it each night by the fire, knitting blankets for the local homeless shelter. She held her grandchildren there the first time she met each of them. 

The arms are worn from her hands holding onto them over the years. There are stains on the seat from spilled milk or juice. There is a missing spindle on the back where that same daughter had thrown a baseball at it many years ago. The age, wear and tear on this chair are signs of love.

This chair is beautiful.

I have looked at my body over the years and have seen the wear and tear on it. I have seen ugliness and scars. I have hated everything about it. 

I have changed my perspective.

My body does bear scars, and stretch marks, these are from bearing my beautiful sons. My body stretched and changed with each of their pregnancies. I delivered each of them by Cesarean Section. What beautiful, amazing scars!

My body is amazing, what great things it has done for me. It took me to the great outdoors, hiking, camping, rappelling. It walked me down the aisle to marry the man of my dreams. It bore me children. It danced the night away with friends. 

This body is beautiful.

Affirmation

I like myself today. I am aware of possibilities for improvement, but I don't want to be anyone else. I am comfortable and accepting of who I am. I can forgive my mistakes and move on to try again.

Affirmation

Positive or negative... the choice is mine!