Another Bump in the Road

Today I am having a kidney biopsy to determine whether I am rejecting my new kidney. It seems that every time I think I am going to have a nice smooth and straight road in front of me, here comes another bump in the way.

I have had a blood clot, a rejection episode, a hernia, problems with my bloodwork and medications, and 5 kidney biopsies. Each time I think, "what now? Haven't I been through enough?" I feel sorry for myself, and think that I don't deserve it. I have tried to change my way of thinking.

By hitting those "bumps" along the way makes me slow down, just like speed bumps on the road, and look at all of the good around me. I am blessed to have received my transplant, I have a beautiful family, wonderful friends, and a new love. So what if I hit a few bumps along the way, the trip is well worth it.

Anxiety vs. Peace

I feel like I am in a constant battle between anxiety and peace. It alternates which one wins out, but the battle is always there. I have been trying to work on my book, but as I delve into subjects that are too painful the anxiety wins out. If I am peaceful, I don't want to go into those "dark" places and in essence re-live the pain. I have a few tools in my arsenal against anxiety and they are:

• Deep, cleansing breaths
• Staying in the moment and being aware of my surroundings
• Finding something soft to touch
• Listening to fun dance music (not peaceful, but it makes me happy)
• Sitting outside and enjoying nature

They seem like such simple tasks, but they usually work well.

I will admit that sometimes nothing works, so I go to my Chumba Wumba tape inside my head and I...

"Get knocked down,

 But I get up again

 You're never gonna' keep me down!"

Overcoming

I have overcome a lot in my life, and I am so grateful for all of the struggles I have faced. They have made me the strong, capable, independent woman I am today.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't choose to go through abuse, illness, divorce, depression and a child with depression, an eating disorder or the many complications associated with these things. But I am who I am because of my ability to live with and overcome them.

I've been asked how I can endure so much pain and still remain positive, and to that I answer, it isn't easy. It takes a lot of fight and hard work. I was a very happy, positive and upbeat little girl. Then life happened and I became more negative, always wondering what else could possibly go wrong? When was the torment going to end?

I had to make a choice to not look at the bad, and to look at the positive. Sometimes the only positive thing I can find is that I survived the situation. That alone is enough. I refuse to give up and give in to the ugliness. I am a survivor and I will go on. Being negative and sullen doesn't improve anything, if anything it makes it worse. I will choose to see the good in the world and continue on with my life with love, laughter and joy.

My kids would tell you that I am obsessed with 3 little words and I have them all over my home. "Live, Laugh, Love" They are popular in home decor items and I have found them inspiring. I will LIVE my life to the fullest. I will LAUGH often. I will LOVE much!

Insomnia

I have trouble sleeping these days. I have some prescriptions that help, sometimes.

I have a lot on my mind. I worry a lot. I worry about my kids, my health, my future. I try to stay positive, and I try NOT to worry. I still worry.

I don't understand it, because I know that it doesn't change anything. I know that worrying makes one ill. I know that worrying causes only grief.

I still worry.

If you worry, you are not alone. Fight it. Fight the need to control everything. Fight the urge to go to that negative place that tells you all the ways things can go wrong. Join me in that fight.

Maybe one day I can let go of the worry completely. Right now I let go little by little, and that is all I can do. I will "Let go and let God," as much as I am capable of each day.

I will sleep.

Test Results

I am on the transplant list, and I am thrilled about that. I am so excited to have the second chance at health and life.

Each year I have to go back and get the battery of tests to make sure that I am still in good enough health for the transplant. This is not something that I like to do, but it is necessary, so I do it. Last week I had all of the "lady" parts looked at, and that is my least favorite. I already struggle with that because of the abuse I suffered as a girl, but I wasn't concerned that anything was wrong.

I have to have further tests on my uterus and breasts. There were "somethings" that need to have further investigation. It reminded me not to get comfortable, to keep putting my faith in the Father. Life is not easy, and although I should want for nothing and be content in my circumstances, I know that I need to daily turn all of my fears over to Him.

I am strong, I can endure much, but I cannot endure all of this on my own. I am greatly overwhelmed right now, and I can admit that. There are days where I break down and I think, "why me?" There are then days where I feel so incredibly blessed. I am just taking it one day at a time, and some days, one minute at a time!

Relapse?

I am not in a relapse, but man oh man would part of me love to be!

Even though it is not a healthy coping mechanism, my eating disorder worked as one. It got me through some incredibly rough times. I am currently going through what is most likely the hardest time of my life, and it would be so easy to numb out and give up.

I am not going to though. I will keep fighting, even though it is such a tough fight.

I am so proud of myself, in the past I would have given in. I would have stopped taking my meds, stop eating a proper diet and isolated myself in my bedroom. Although my eating disorder was not a CHOICE, I finally have the strength to fight it.

I still have not asked Edith back into my life! So take THAT doubters!

Biting my Nails

I have been biting my nails since I was a very little girl. I don't remember a time I didn't. I do it when I am nervous. I do it when I am bored. I do it while watching movies. I do it while reading a book. It is a terrible habit. I hate how my nails look when I bite them so low they bleed.

I quit biting my nails 3 weeks ago. They are not long and luxurious, but they are shaping up.

It is hard to break a habit that has been so ingrained in my life. I have overcome.

I have overcome so many things over the years. I have overcome some deep depression. I have overcome a debilitating eating disorder. I have overcome severe self loathing. I have overcome a desire to die.

Biting my nails is NOTHING compared to those things, but it has made me take stock of my life and be proud of all that I have overcome.

Racing Thoughts

I get racing thoughts. Things go through my head so fast I can barely focus on any one thing. I go from something about my dogs, to something I need to get at the store, to something about my health, to something about my shoes. It can be exhausting.

Through some of my past therapies I learned a way to make them stop. I am to imagine a symbol that will stop the thoughts, I chose a stop sign. Original, huh? It works though. I just visualize a stop sign, I make a full stop in my brain and I can focus on what needs to be done. I can't say that I use this all the time, but when I do it is very helpful.

I thought I would start sharing some of the tools that I have found useful over the course of my journey. Let me know if you have any tips on making those thoughts "STOP."