Overcoming

I have overcome a lot in my life, and I am so grateful for all of the struggles I have faced. They have made me the strong, capable, independent woman I am today.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't choose to go through abuse, illness, divorce, depression and a child with depression, an eating disorder or the many complications associated with these things. But I am who I am because of my ability to live with and overcome them.

I've been asked how I can endure so much pain and still remain positive, and to that I answer, it isn't easy. It takes a lot of fight and hard work. I was a very happy, positive and upbeat little girl. Then life happened and I became more negative, always wondering what else could possibly go wrong? When was the torment going to end?

I had to make a choice to not look at the bad, and to look at the positive. Sometimes the only positive thing I can find is that I survived the situation. That alone is enough. I refuse to give up and give in to the ugliness. I am a survivor and I will go on. Being negative and sullen doesn't improve anything, if anything it makes it worse. I will choose to see the good in the world and continue on with my life with love, laughter and joy.

My kids would tell you that I am obsessed with 3 little words and I have them all over my home. "Live, Laugh, Love" They are popular in home decor items and I have found them inspiring. I will LIVE my life to the fullest. I will LAUGH often. I will LOVE much!

Relapse?

I am not in a relapse, but man oh man would part of me love to be!

Even though it is not a healthy coping mechanism, my eating disorder worked as one. It got me through some incredibly rough times. I am currently going through what is most likely the hardest time of my life, and it would be so easy to numb out and give up.

I am not going to though. I will keep fighting, even though it is such a tough fight.

I am so proud of myself, in the past I would have given in. I would have stopped taking my meds, stop eating a proper diet and isolated myself in my bedroom. Although my eating disorder was not a CHOICE, I finally have the strength to fight it.

I still have not asked Edith back into my life! So take THAT doubters!

Playin' Games

I like to play games online, mostly silly little puzzle games. Yesterday my son asked me if I wanted to play Scrabble online, and I decided to go ahead. It has been fun teasing back and forth and just having fun. I have a tendency to to be very competitive, so I don't usually play games with other people online. I don't want them to see my "dark side." I gave up all of those farming games because they took up too much of my time as I tried to be better than everyone else.

That is how it is with eating disorders. They are very competitive. Often girls will go on a "diet" together, and suddenly the competition comes out in them. They think they are encouraging each other, and maybe in the beginning they are, but it can change. The fun and games of "I lost 3 pounds this week," and "I ran 5 miles today," becomes an obsession. It can turn dangerous very quickly. It also happens in inpatient programs at hospitals or in group therapy sessions. That is why it is VERY important that a professional is there to keep everyone from using trigger words or statements and to divert the conversation if it becomes all about weight.

Group therapy works wonders, it did a lot for me. If for no other reason than I felt like I wasn't a freak of nature, because there were others like me. It also helps to get someone else's perspective on your situation, to have someone hold that mirror up to you and make you see what you have been missing. I just want to really encourage you if you are battling an eating disorder, to seek professional help.

Sometimes it is good to play my games alone, and other times it is great to play with a friend (or a son).

Adjusting to my Current Weight

I have an eating disorder. It has been established not only here in this blog, but in my life over more than a decade. I have suffered from this eating disorder for most of my life. I struggle with how much I weigh, how much I eat, and how much medication I have to take. I hate it, I have lived with it, it has consumed much of my life.


I named it, Edith. She had amazing power over me, but I beat her down. She still survives, but she is caged and I rarely visit her. She has been screaming for me a lot lately, wanting attention.


You see, I had adjusted to a much healthier weight. I had begun to be happy with a womanly body. I was proud of the curves I had developed. She did not like that, because the attention was no longer on her. 


Now a crisis has hit. I have kidney failure and have gained a massive amount of weight. To the point that I only have one pair of pants that fit. This is water weight, and I am going to take it off healthily through dialysis, but it is scary. I hear Edith screaming for me to let her out. 


I will tell you that I feel ugly, that I feel fat, I feel unlovable. These are all feelings that lurk in the background of my mind, but I have coping mechanisms to put them at bay. I tell myself the truth, that I am a beautiful woman, that I am sick and that I am truly loved. I stop the negative tapes that run through my mind over and over, and replace it with positive tapes. 


I will also tell you that although I am winning the battle, we are in heavy combat right now. The war is not over, I will prevail, but I am taking heavy damage right now! 


I believe in God's refining fire, that I will come out shining gold on the other side.


And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’; and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’”  Zechariah 3:9

Eating Disorder-Counting my Blessings

Today I am reminded of the phrase:
"There is always someone worse off than you."

I really don't like this phrase so much, as it implies that someone else is suffering even more than I am, especially when I am feeling so low.

It is a true statement though. I have had a miserably rough few months, surgery, being injured, losing my job, two more surgeries, and being confined to a wheelchair through most of it. Now I am facing some eye issues that are going to be rough. I am blessed though. My kids are relatively healthy, my husband has a good job, my family loves me and I have great friends and a wonderful support system.

These past few weeks I have watched as one of my dearest friends growing up has taken on the battle of Pediatric Cancer with her 12 year old daughter. I cannot imagine the pain that entails. I also am overwhelmed with how much I love this little girl and I have never met her. Her mom and I lost touch for a long time and through the miracle that is social networking, have only recently re-connected. I pray for this family every day and know that their fight is much more challenging than my own.

I also have been praying for a little boy that I have never met, his name is Sam. My sister told me about this little boy, and I have been following his progress with Pediatric Cancer through CaringBridge. He lost his battle last week, and even though the family has faith that he is no longer in pain and in the arms of a Loving God, they miss him very much.

There are others that have lost their homes to devastating floods in Iowa. There are people that have lost their families entire way of life on the Gulf Coast. There is suffering everywhere.

I have an eating disorder, I suffer from depression, but I am truly blessed to be who I am and where I am today.

Eating Disorder-Trying to be Perfect

I have stated that my goal in my eating disorder was to have control in my life, which seemed out of control.

It was also my way of being good at something. I was good at being thin...I thought this would make me "perfect." I wanted to be the perfect...

• Wife
• Mother
• Friend
• Employee
• Christian

I knew really wanted to be what I believed others wanted me to be. I felt that I was falling short. I didn't know how to make everyone else happy, and I thought that by being thin and beautiful I would be all that I "should" be.

I only heard this song today, and it really sums up what I was trying to do. Thank you Alanis Morissette! Alanis has admitted that she struggled with both Anorexia and Bulimia as a teenager. She has been in recovery since and has taken a different approach to staying healthy by exercising moderately and eating better.

Origin of my Eating Disorder

When I was growing up I had to finish everything on my plate. It is/was a common order from parents. There are many reasons why:

• So their children will grow up healthy and strong
• So they don't waste food
• So they can taste new things and find new favorite foods

These are all noble reasons. I have caught myself doing the same thing with my kids, and then thought, you sound just like your mom!

It has been said that eating disorders aren't really about the weight. It is about control and trying to find some of that in a world that feels so out of control.

I dipped my toe in the "pool of eating disorders" in high school. I would tell my parents that I was eating at my friends' houses and tell their parents that I had eaten at home. Suddenly I had control. I started to feel lethargic and wanted to stay in bed a lot of the time.

This didn't last long, but it is something that I think was always in the back of my mind.

When I found myself, at the age of 24, mother of two, stay-at-home mom with only one car, bills piling up, a new diagnosis of Diabetes, and feelings of insecurity and fear from my childhood...the thought came back. I was so out of control and this was something I could control.

I don't blame my parents for my eating disorder, I made choices that took me down that path. There were circumstances in my childhood that led me down this path, I take full responsibility for my part.

I have found other ways to take control of my life. This is by choosing to do the following things:

• Take my medication as prescribed
• Eat well balanced meals
• Exercise moderately
• Spend time with my family and friends
• See my therapist regularly

These are all "rules" that I have previously felt others had put on me. I now know that to be healthy, these are "rules" that help me to survive.

As I explore my past and dig deeper into the origins of my eating disorder and why I allowed it to take control, I can have victory over it.

Trying to Eat Better

I have been doing so well with my eating disorder and Diabetes. My numbers recently were wonderful, even after 3 surgeries since April. I am very proud of myself.

But tonight I realized that I am not eating the best foods for my body. I am getting older and it is easy to pack on the weight. This is hard for someone dealing with a lifelong struggle with eating. I know that I should be careful about the foods I eat, however, spending too much time thinking about it could lead me down the path of destruction.

How does one make sure that they have a regulated diet without obsessing about it?

I have been there before, but it is never easy to follow through on the "program."

I need to eat a balanced diet and get moderate exercise. Seems easy enough. I will do my best to eat more veggies, les bread and do some sort of activity each day.

Are you with me?

Eating Disorder: Health Complications

Eating disorders are so damaging to one's body.

There are problems with the GI tract, the esophagus, teeth, hair, nails, skin as well as many other things. When the body doesn't get the nutrition it needs

, every system that is not vital to immediate survival begins to shut down. There are also issues with purging and laxative use, that can harm your insides. Over-exercising can cause a lot of injuries too.

I have other complications due to my Diabetes being out of control so long. A lot of my complications are seen in the elderly that have had Diabetes.

These pictures show some of the things I have to use to walk or get around these days

This is my wheelchair that I have to use right now after my surgeries these past few months

My fracture boot

Crutches

After surgery shoe

Brace for my left leg

This is the walker that I have to use when I am not in my wheelchair

There has been a lot of damage, and I have to fight the pain every day. I hope that no one else has to go through this pain and frustration. If I can tell you one thing that I regret in my life, it is that I did not take care of my body the way I was supposed to.

I have learned a valuable lesson in a very difficult way. My body is the only one I will get so I will treat it with the respect and care it deserves.

Power

I am going to take a departure from my last few posts, but will return to that series soon.

Today I want to write about power.

I started dabbling in my eating disorder (Edith) when I was about 13 years old. I, like so many other teenagers was worried about fitting in. I couldn't control the fact that my parents couldn't afford the latest name brand fads. I couldn't control where I lived. I couldn't control my life in many ways. I thought that if I was thin, people would like me because I would be beautiful. This I could control.

I began to feel like I had some of my power back that was taken away from the abuse.

Suddenly I was in control of something. That made me feel powerful.

As I said, I dabbled in it at first. Edith did not take complete control until I was about 24. At that time I was a mother to young sons. I was trying to find a job that allowed me to be home with them most of the time. I was trying to be a good wife and wasn't really sure what that meant. I was trying to manage a household budget that did not have a lot of income coming in. I was trying to be Supermom, what I thought I "should" be based on what I saw on TV and in magazines.

Suddenly, when I started controlling what went into my body and what I did with it, I really felt in control and powerful. People commented on how good I looked as I lost weight. I was thrilled to finally get the attention I had been craving.

It didn't take long for that power to be stripped away as I lost all control.

Approximately 6 years later, I realized that I no longer had the power. Edith had taken complete control and stole that power away from me.

After years in recovery I can now see that I finally have true power. I have taken back my life and control of it. Food, exercise, medications do not control me. I am no longer focusing on these things every waking moment of every day. This is not to say that it isn't still a daily struggle, but it is no longer all-consuming.

I am a powerful woman. Not because I am thin, but because I finally have taken back control!

What to Do?

I am at a loss as to what my next step in life is!

I am contemplating some major changes in career and lifestyle. I need guidance and a lot of prayer.

I have been praying for a "sign." Although I have several ideas, there hasn't been a big neon arrow pointing the way.

What constitutes a sign? Does it have to be something big and blaring? Do I have be be knocked upside the head with a mallet? Will some prophet come and tell me what to do? I would welcome just about any of these, and I think I got some this summer.

1. I was injured at work, a job that I loved at times and couldn't stand at others. Things were getting rough there and the atmosphere was pretty toxic. I was injured and in the hospital when I got the call that I was no longer their employee. I was angry, I was hurt, no I was furious. Not really that I had lost the job, but the way that I was informed about it while sitting in my hospital bed.
2. Next I was sidelined with the fact that I would need surgery on my foot and that I could not walk or drive for 2 months. I was upset, scared and frustrated.
3. Next I was informed that the first surgery did not work, and that I would need another. This would add 8 more weeks to my recovery. I was devastated, defeated and demoralized.
4. Finally, 10 weeks after the initial injury, I have not received one check from unemployment or from worker's compensation. We were running our house on a tight budget before I lost my job and now we have only one income. I am undone.

I think I have finally got the hint..."Slow down Rachel and focus on what is important."

1. Myself-I need to take time to nurture myself and be as healthy and strong as I can be. I need to care for my inner and outer health. This means claiming victory over Edith, control of my physical health, and finally facing the demons of childhood sexual abuse. I am the only one that can do this. I have been and will continue to fight!
2. My marriage-I have put a lot of burdens on my husband that have been unfair. He is not responsible for my recovery, I am. He is not responsible for my happiness, I am. He is an amazing man to have put up with me and my "issues" over the years. He is not my savior, he is my partner. I have had some fun re-connecting with him this summer and re-defining our roles.
3. My children-I have two of the most amazing young men living in my house. They are growing and changing and struggling right under my nose. I have been so busy working and fighting illnesses that I have missed out on a lot of their development. I have tried to be a good mother, but this summer I have had the opportunity to actually be that good mother. I am so looking forward to seeing the kind of men they will become and being a part of their futures.

With my priorities in order, I can face whatever comes my way. Thank you God for the neon sign, the whack over the head and the voice of truth!

Onward and Upward!