Pinning all my Hopes

I mentioned in a previous post that I had a new love in my life. I was very much in love and consumed with him and pinned all of my hopes to him. This was a very short relationship, but it meant a lot to me.

I was married for 19 years and I pinned all of my hopes and dreams to him. It was a long relationship and it also meant a lot to me.

I am a mom and have been for 19 years, I pinned all of my hopes and dreams on my two children. These are forever relationships and they mean a lot to me.

The lesson that I think I have finally learned from this last relationship is this:

Don't pin all of my hopes and dreams to another person.

I need to hope and dream for myself, as if there were no one else in the world. Things change quickly and they don't always go the way we want them to. I need to dream about my life after my kids are gone and on their own, which won't be much longer from now! I need to find dreams that are all about me and my wants and needs. I am going to think on these things and I'll get back to you when I figure some out!

Another Bump in the Road

Today I am having a kidney biopsy to determine whether I am rejecting my new kidney. It seems that every time I think I am going to have a nice smooth and straight road in front of me, here comes another bump in the way.

I have had a blood clot, a rejection episode, a hernia, problems with my bloodwork and medications, and 5 kidney biopsies. Each time I think, "what now? Haven't I been through enough?" I feel sorry for myself, and think that I don't deserve it. I have tried to change my way of thinking.

By hitting those "bumps" along the way makes me slow down, just like speed bumps on the road, and look at all of the good around me. I am blessed to have received my transplant, I have a beautiful family, wonderful friends, and a new love. So what if I hit a few bumps along the way, the trip is well worth it.

Overcoming

I have overcome a lot in my life, and I am so grateful for all of the struggles I have faced. They have made me the strong, capable, independent woman I am today.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't choose to go through abuse, illness, divorce, depression and a child with depression, an eating disorder or the many complications associated with these things. But I am who I am because of my ability to live with and overcome them.

I've been asked how I can endure so much pain and still remain positive, and to that I answer, it isn't easy. It takes a lot of fight and hard work. I was a very happy, positive and upbeat little girl. Then life happened and I became more negative, always wondering what else could possibly go wrong? When was the torment going to end?

I had to make a choice to not look at the bad, and to look at the positive. Sometimes the only positive thing I can find is that I survived the situation. That alone is enough. I refuse to give up and give in to the ugliness. I am a survivor and I will go on. Being negative and sullen doesn't improve anything, if anything it makes it worse. I will choose to see the good in the world and continue on with my life with love, laughter and joy.

My kids would tell you that I am obsessed with 3 little words and I have them all over my home. "Live, Laugh, Love" They are popular in home decor items and I have found them inspiring. I will LIVE my life to the fullest. I will LAUGH often. I will LOVE much!

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself.
Sometimes I wonder, why me?
Sometimes I am angry at the world.
Sometimes I want to give up.
Sometimes I can't stop crying.
Sometimes I feel so alone.


Sometimes...

But not all the time.

Sometimes I feel like there is so much to fight for.
Sometimes I am happy.
Sometimes I feel loved.
Sometimes I know that tomorrow will be better.
Sometimes I know there is a reason to fight.
Sometimes I want to live.
Sometimes I laugh uncontrollably.
Sometimes I know I have a purpose.

Sometimes...

But not all the time.

Struggles

My life has changed drastically this past year.

My kidneys failed.
My sons have had some terrible struggles
My husband filed for divorce.

But, God is still good. He is watching over me. He cares for me. He loves me. He wants me to come to Him.

I have.

I have always been a Christian and have been a "good" girl. I have surrendered to Him many times, but always seem to go and take it back. He is always there, waiting for my return.

I praise Him! I worship Him! I adore Him! I give Him all glory and praise! Hallelujah, may my life be a testimony to the one who made me and I call Father! I strive now to live my life like the Proverbs 31 woman.

Below I have placed the verse again, this time with a link to a great site, 31 Status. They are trying to teach young women how to be a modern day Proverbs 31 woman. It is powerful and amazing, check them out!

She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. Proverbs 31:25

Happiness

"As I walk this land of broken dreams,

I have visions of many things.

Love's happiness is just an illusion,

Filled with sadness and confusion. 

What becomes of the broken-hearted

Who had love that's now departed?

I know I've got to find

Some kind of peace of mind."

~Jimmy Ruffin, "What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted"

This song gets stuck in my head sometimes. And I think it is because I used to believe it. "...happiness is just an illusion." I didn't really understand true happiness, because I was so used to pretending to be happy. That mask became such a part of me that I couldn't tell what was real and what was an act. 

These days, I have found true happiness, true JOY! It is really weird, at 39 years of age, and after 18 years of marriage, I finally get it. I have found joy inside of me and in the relationships that I have developed.  I am not reliant on any person for that happiness/joy, but they surely have helped me to experience it in abundance.

Dreamin'

I have many dreams for my future and for the future of those I love.

• I would love to have enough money to pay for my kids to go to college and graduate with no debt.
• I want my children to find a love to last a lifetime.
• I want my family to enjoy these last few years we will be a unit.
• I want good health for all of us.
• I want a clean house, ALWAYS, not just the days I am having company.
• I want to find a new, meaningful career.
• I want a new kidney!

These are all good dreams, some are easily attained, whereas others, may take a bit of work. I can still dream them. It takes the dream/wish/desire to start the ball rolling on these things.

It is fun to be fully present in my life, and still be able to dream about the future. Edith is not consuming my every waking thought, and my dreams/nightmares in my sleep. I am no longer trapped in the "what ifs" or the "somedays." I can let the past go, live life today, and be excited about tomorrow.

Simple Pleasures

Today I am reminded of the simple pleasures in life once again.

I had my catheter in my chest removed. It was used to administer dialysis, now I have what is called a fistula in my arm. With the removal of the catheter I can do things I haven't been able to do since January. I can swim, bathe, and shower! I am so excited I can barely contain myself.

Each day is a blessing and a gift from God. I appreciate so much about my life and life in general.

I have said it before, but my sons are the light of my life. Even though they are teenagers, and it isn't always easy to navigate this difficult stage, I love them so much. I love to see the differences in them as they grow up and become their own men. I love to sit and have deep, intelligent conversations with them. Even when we argue, afterward I can appreciate that they have their own ideas and opinions.

I choose to find joy in every aspect of my life.

Best Friends

Do you remember your best friend from childhood? That person that you were with every moment that you could. You shared lunches, secrets, clothes, lip gloss and dreams. When someone thought of you, they thought of her. You were so close that you considered her mother yours and she thought the same of yours. Sleepovers, campouts, shopping, giggles,  you did it all. When something good happened, she was the first person you told. When something bad happened, she was the first person you called. You were there for each other through thick and thin.

I had a couple of these friends throughout my life. They have been there for me, and I hope I was there for them. I had lost touch with most of them over the years, but the wonders of technology has brought most of them back into my life. Having shared memories has rekindled the connection we once had to some extent.

Every woman deserves a best girlfriend, someone they can talk to and open up to. My husband is probably the very best friend I have ever had, and he has certainly shouldered many burdens being my husband. He has wanted to be the hero, to swoop in and rescue me. He can't. Only I can rescue myself. THAT was a hard lesson to learn. He can be my best friend, but I need others, friends that I can laugh with and call in the middle of the night to stay with the kids when I have to go the hospital. I have a few of those friends right now that I know I could call and they would be over here in a moment's notice.

"No man is an island..." a quote from John Donne means a lot to me. I had to learn that only I could make the changes in myself, that no one could save me and make everything better. I have learned that lesson, but I have also learned another, I need friends. I need my husband, girlfriends, "couple-friends", I need professionals and I need my family, to heal fully. No one should shoulder the burden alone, we were created to function together in life.

 “And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.” Ephesians 1:22-23

Valentine's Day

It is Valentine's day. A day filled with gifts. Gifts of chocolate, flowers, balloons and more. A day where people remember to take special notice of the ones they love. A day when those that are single sometimes feel the sting of that status. There is so much emphasis on being in love, falling in love and finding that perfect mate. There is so much emphasis on it that some people settle for someone that isn't right or doesn't love them back, just so that there is someone "there."

I spent a lot of time in my life searching for someone to love me for me. For someone to see inside of my soul and accept me just the way I am. I think that it is hard to find. You may find that love, but until you truly love yourself, you won't be able to accept it. If you are unsure of yourself, constantly suffering with doubt and feelings of negative self worth, you won't understand why someone could love you unconditionally. If you don't love yourself, your negative feelings outweigh the positive love that someone may feel for you.

Someone's love cannot save you, like the movies imply. You must first save yourself. A kiss from a stranger will not suddenly wake you up to some fairytale ending. The world just doesn't work that way.

There is only one that will love you unconditionally, that is waiting for you before you even know He is there. God's love is full, complete, perfect. He loved you before you were born, and will love you for all eternity. He loves you when you make mistakes, and He delights in your triumphs.

Don't go out there looking for the perfect love until you love yourself. For a bonus, accept love that is given freely without strings from a God that thinks you are perfect just the way you are.