Moving Beyond

I have had struggles in my life and I have chronicled them here. I have overcome a lot and still deal with the after effects of some. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination.

I am, however, moving beyond my past and my circumstances.

I am strong enough to acknowledge the pain and use my coping skills to face anything new. I am capable of moving on and beyond the pain.I am brave enough to share my story and my every day struggles

Overcoming

I have overcome a lot in my life, and I am so grateful for all of the struggles I have faced. They have made me the strong, capable, independent woman I am today.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't choose to go through abuse, illness, divorce, depression and a child with depression, an eating disorder or the many complications associated with these things. But I am who I am because of my ability to live with and overcome them.

I've been asked how I can endure so much pain and still remain positive, and to that I answer, it isn't easy. It takes a lot of fight and hard work. I was a very happy, positive and upbeat little girl. Then life happened and I became more negative, always wondering what else could possibly go wrong? When was the torment going to end?

I had to make a choice to not look at the bad, and to look at the positive. Sometimes the only positive thing I can find is that I survived the situation. That alone is enough. I refuse to give up and give in to the ugliness. I am a survivor and I will go on. Being negative and sullen doesn't improve anything, if anything it makes it worse. I will choose to see the good in the world and continue on with my life with love, laughter and joy.

My kids would tell you that I am obsessed with 3 little words and I have them all over my home. "Live, Laugh, Love" They are popular in home decor items and I have found them inspiring. I will LIVE my life to the fullest. I will LAUGH often. I will LOVE much!

Loving MY Life

I have blogged about my struggle with self esteem and what that means to me.

I have been blatantly honest with how I often fail at loving myself.

I have told you about how much I have hated myself and my body.

I have discussed how badly I have wanted a different life.

Today I am pledging (again) to love the life I have now, not waiting for what I think will make me happy. I will be content with my life, even while striving to better myself and my life. Just because I love my life doesn't mean that I won't continue to work for more, it just means that I won't put my life on hold until I get it.

This is a group that has come into my life through my son, I am 50Million. I love what they teach, and what they have done for him. I have learned via the "osmosis" of living with him and going to some of their classes. Here is a status that they posted today on facebook that made me stop and think:

"A key to absolute happiness is to learn how to Love the life you have right "now". Your life is "now". This life that is truly not missing anything. It might have areas we don't like but it has everything it needs. We have this life right now and we could live in bliss if we can learn how to Love it for all it is. With all we like and dislike, we can still find true Love for this life. We spend so much time wanting our "desired life" or a "future life". That future doesn't exist right "now" and as important as it is to have goals these should not overshadow this life... this "now". True Love is about acceptance and today is a great day to find Love for the life that you have right "now". All we have is the "now" and if you can Love your life in it... you will live with a peace that others only dream of. Love with everything that is you. We strive to Love everything in this "now", for you are and I am 50Million"

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself.
Sometimes I wonder, why me?
Sometimes I am angry at the world.
Sometimes I want to give up.
Sometimes I can't stop crying.
Sometimes I feel so alone.


Sometimes...

But not all the time.

Sometimes I feel like there is so much to fight for.
Sometimes I am happy.
Sometimes I feel loved.
Sometimes I know that tomorrow will be better.
Sometimes I know there is a reason to fight.
Sometimes I want to live.
Sometimes I laugh uncontrollably.
Sometimes I know I have a purpose.

Sometimes...

But not all the time.

Moving On

When my husband said he was leaving, he said it was time for him to "move on." I didn't understand, and still don't totally understand, but I had to accept it. I really didn't have a choice, the only other option was to continue screaming and crying. Which I did a lot of. I loved him, and still do, but I have learned that it is now time for me to "move on" as well. It is not something I would have chosen, but it is the healthiest thing for me to do now.


I am actually starting to love my life again. I can now do what I want without having to ask someone else's opinion. I can choose to spend the day in my pajamas or save the dishes for tomorrow without feeling like I am letting someone down. (not that he was saying it, I was the one feeling it)


I have wanted to go back to Ohio to visit my family, and because he had another commitment, I had to miss a trip last year. Not this year, I am going back to a camp reunion and to see my mom, sister and brothers. 


It is time for him to live the life he has always wanted, and for me to do so as well. 


Our marriage produced two beautiful children and a friendship that I think will last a lifetime. It won't be the same, but I know that if I were in trouble, he would be there. There is no reason for us to fight, because we are both "moving on."

Affirmation

If I can endure for this minute whatever is happening to me, no matter how heavy my heart is or how dark the moment might be...

If I can but keep on believing what I know in my heart to be true...

That darkness will fade with morning and that this will pass away too...

Then nothing can ever disturb me or fill me with uncertain fear...

For as sure as night brings dawning, my morning is bound to appear...

Thank you "Something Fishy" for this affirmation, and many of the others.

Biting my Nails

I have been biting my nails since I was a very little girl. I don't remember a time I didn't. I do it when I am nervous. I do it when I am bored. I do it while watching movies. I do it while reading a book. It is a terrible habit. I hate how my nails look when I bite them so low they bleed.

I quit biting my nails 3 weeks ago. They are not long and luxurious, but they are shaping up.

It is hard to break a habit that has been so ingrained in my life. I have overcome.

I have overcome so many things over the years. I have overcome some deep depression. I have overcome a debilitating eating disorder. I have overcome severe self loathing. I have overcome a desire to die.

Biting my nails is NOTHING compared to those things, but it has made me take stock of my life and be proud of all that I have overcome.

Real Strength

I have recently been feeling GREAT about my body. I am getting stronger every day. If you haven't followed my blog, here is a run down:

• In May 2010 I broke my foot
• I had surgery on it and an external fixation device was put in
• That didn't work, so another surgery in July was performed to fuse the bones of my foot together
• In September I was FINALLY able to bear weight on my foot...I broke my ankle almost immediately
• Another surgery on my ankle
• I was in the hospital for over a month with severe anemia, congestive heart failure and kidney disease
• In November, after 6 months, I began walking and driving again
• In January it was determined my my kidneys had completely failed and that I would need to go on dialysis

And now I am feeling pretty good about my body! It may be a bit saggy in spots. It may have scars in others. But I am proud of them. They show that I am a survivor. That I can handle anything life throws at me and come out on top!

I don't have the body of a 20 something anymore, but I have the body of a 40 year old and I couldn't be more proud!

I have found a strength that I didn't know was there, and I will draw on that in the days/weeks/months and years to come!

Affirmation

I grow by doing what’s hard to do.

Affirmation

Today, I will seek a renewed supply of serenity, courage and wisdom.