Test Results

I am on the transplant list, and I am thrilled about that. I am so excited to have the second chance at health and life.

Each year I have to go back and get the battery of tests to make sure that I am still in good enough health for the transplant. This is not something that I like to do, but it is necessary, so I do it. Last week I had all of the "lady" parts looked at, and that is my least favorite. I already struggle with that because of the abuse I suffered as a girl, but I wasn't concerned that anything was wrong.

I have to have further tests on my uterus and breasts. There were "somethings" that need to have further investigation. It reminded me not to get comfortable, to keep putting my faith in the Father. Life is not easy, and although I should want for nothing and be content in my circumstances, I know that I need to daily turn all of my fears over to Him.

I am strong, I can endure much, but I cannot endure all of this on my own. I am greatly overwhelmed right now, and I can admit that. There are days where I break down and I think, "why me?" There are then days where I feel so incredibly blessed. I am just taking it one day at a time, and some days, one minute at a time!

Going Someplace New

I don't deal well with going someplace I have never been before. I am self-conscious, and nervous. I like to know exactly what to do and where to go and who to speak to. I do know that this seems bizarre to most people, but it is my reality. I do deal with it and just go, but it makes me so uncomfortable.


Today I am going to my first outpatient dialysis treatment. I am nervous not only about the procedure, but about the environment. When they called to confirm my appointment yesterday, I asked a million questions just to make sure I knew what to do. I forgot to ask what to wear! I don't know if they will have me in a gown, or keep me in my same clothes. I have a catheter in my chest, and I am unsure how they will access it. I am going anyway and am wearing what I want, and we'll just see if I made a mistake or not!


What irrational fears do you have? Leave a comment here on the blog and we'll all see that we are not alone!

Adjusting to my Current Weight

I have an eating disorder. It has been established not only here in this blog, but in my life over more than a decade. I have suffered from this eating disorder for most of my life. I struggle with how much I weigh, how much I eat, and how much medication I have to take. I hate it, I have lived with it, it has consumed much of my life.


I named it, Edith. She had amazing power over me, but I beat her down. She still survives, but she is caged and I rarely visit her. She has been screaming for me a lot lately, wanting attention.


You see, I had adjusted to a much healthier weight. I had begun to be happy with a womanly body. I was proud of the curves I had developed. She did not like that, because the attention was no longer on her. 


Now a crisis has hit. I have kidney failure and have gained a massive amount of weight. To the point that I only have one pair of pants that fit. This is water weight, and I am going to take it off healthily through dialysis, but it is scary. I hear Edith screaming for me to let her out. 


I will tell you that I feel ugly, that I feel fat, I feel unlovable. These are all feelings that lurk in the background of my mind, but I have coping mechanisms to put them at bay. I tell myself the truth, that I am a beautiful woman, that I am sick and that I am truly loved. I stop the negative tapes that run through my mind over and over, and replace it with positive tapes. 


I will also tell you that although I am winning the battle, we are in heavy combat right now. The war is not over, I will prevail, but I am taking heavy damage right now! 


I believe in God's refining fire, that I will come out shining gold on the other side.


And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’; and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’”  Zechariah 3:9

Kidney Dialysis is a Necessary Evil

I started Kidney Dialysis yesterday. 

I cannot say it is fun. 

I cannot say it is easy.

I cannot say that I wanted this.

I can say, however, that I needed this. 

Sometimes in life we need to do things we don't want to do. It isn't that we are being "forced" to against our will, it is just that in order to live a healthier/happier/more fulfilled life, we must do things that may not seem pleasant. This is one of those times in my life. 

I have written about losing control of what is going on in my body, or what I "had" to do. I didn't like it and I rebelled against it. I still don't like it, but I am accepting it.

If I were to refuse dialysis, or even taking my medications or food, I will die. There is no if, and or but about it. There are people in this world that have more knowledge of what needs to be done to maintain a healthy body. I will trust in them. This is not to say that I go with what the first doctor says without checking them out or seeing another one, it just means that I acknowledge my lack of understanding of some things.

This is another big step for me, because I like to diagnose myself. It drives my husband crazy. I will see a bump and suddenly I fear I am dying from skin cancer or some other ailment. By letting go and trusting others, I am truly nurturing and caring for myself.