Insomnia

I have trouble sleeping these days. I have some prescriptions that help, sometimes.

I have a lot on my mind. I worry a lot. I worry about my kids, my health, my future. I try to stay positive, and I try NOT to worry. I still worry.

I don't understand it, because I know that it doesn't change anything. I know that worrying makes one ill. I know that worrying causes only grief.

I still worry.

If you worry, you are not alone. Fight it. Fight the need to control everything. Fight the urge to go to that negative place that tells you all the ways things can go wrong. Join me in that fight.

Maybe one day I can let go of the worry completely. Right now I let go little by little, and that is all I can do. I will "Let go and let God," as much as I am capable of each day.

I will sleep.

Sadness

Today I am sad. Really, really, really sad. My heart aches and I feel physically drained from crying.

Why? That doesn't matter really. I just really feel it down to my bones.

The difference between how I have reacted in the past and how I am reacting now is immeasurable. In the past I would have completely shut down, stopped eating and taking my meds the way I should. Now I push on. My life is too valuable to make the same choices I have before. My eating disorder seemed to be a good coping mechanism when I was in it, but it wasn't. I hate that it has taken me so long to realize this. I hate that I have hurt the people I love most. I hate that I have pushed some of the people that mean the world to me away. My choices in the past are having major consequences in my present, from my kidney failure to strains in some of my relationships. All of this used to be a trigger to lock myself away in my bedroom and shut the world out. Not this time, not ever again. I can weather any storm, for I am strong enough. That all being said...

I am sad. I am really, really, really sad.

Affirmation

I am free to do and enjoy the good things that come my way, and I am equipped to deal with inevitable problems.