Sadness

Today I am sad. Really, really, really sad. My heart aches and I feel physically drained from crying.

Why? That doesn't matter really. I just really feel it down to my bones.

The difference between how I have reacted in the past and how I am reacting now is immeasurable. In the past I would have completely shut down, stopped eating and taking my meds the way I should. Now I push on. My life is too valuable to make the same choices I have before. My eating disorder seemed to be a good coping mechanism when I was in it, but it wasn't. I hate that it has taken me so long to realize this. I hate that I have hurt the people I love most. I hate that I have pushed some of the people that mean the world to me away. My choices in the past are having major consequences in my present, from my kidney failure to strains in some of my relationships. All of this used to be a trigger to lock myself away in my bedroom and shut the world out. Not this time, not ever again. I can weather any storm, for I am strong enough. That all being said...

I am sad. I am really, really, really sad.