Pinning all my Hopes

I mentioned in a previous post that I had a new love in my life. I was very much in love and consumed with him and pinned all of my hopes to him. This was a very short relationship, but it meant a lot to me.

I was married for 19 years and I pinned all of my hopes and dreams to him. It was a long relationship and it also meant a lot to me.

I am a mom and have been for 19 years, I pinned all of my hopes and dreams on my two children. These are forever relationships and they mean a lot to me.

The lesson that I think I have finally learned from this last relationship is this:

Don't pin all of my hopes and dreams to another person.

I need to hope and dream for myself, as if there were no one else in the world. Things change quickly and they don't always go the way we want them to. I need to dream about my life after my kids are gone and on their own, which won't be much longer from now! I need to find dreams that are all about me and my wants and needs. I am going to think on these things and I'll get back to you when I figure some out!

Moving Beyond

I have had struggles in my life and I have chronicled them here. I have overcome a lot and still deal with the after effects of some. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination.

I am, however, moving beyond my past and my circumstances.

I am strong enough to acknowledge the pain and use my coping skills to face anything new. I am capable of moving on and beyond the pain.I am brave enough to share my story and my every day struggles

Another Bump in the Road

Today I am having a kidney biopsy to determine whether I am rejecting my new kidney. It seems that every time I think I am going to have a nice smooth and straight road in front of me, here comes another bump in the way.

I have had a blood clot, a rejection episode, a hernia, problems with my bloodwork and medications, and 5 kidney biopsies. Each time I think, "what now? Haven't I been through enough?" I feel sorry for myself, and think that I don't deserve it. I have tried to change my way of thinking.

By hitting those "bumps" along the way makes me slow down, just like speed bumps on the road, and look at all of the good around me. I am blessed to have received my transplant, I have a beautiful family, wonderful friends, and a new love. So what if I hit a few bumps along the way, the trip is well worth it.

Anxiety vs. Peace

I feel like I am in a constant battle between anxiety and peace. It alternates which one wins out, but the battle is always there. I have been trying to work on my book, but as I delve into subjects that are too painful the anxiety wins out. If I am peaceful, I don't want to go into those "dark" places and in essence re-live the pain. I have a few tools in my arsenal against anxiety and they are:

• Deep, cleansing breaths
• Staying in the moment and being aware of my surroundings
• Finding something soft to touch
• Listening to fun dance music (not peaceful, but it makes me happy)
• Sitting outside and enjoying nature

They seem like such simple tasks, but they usually work well.

I will admit that sometimes nothing works, so I go to my Chumba Wumba tape inside my head and I...

"Get knocked down,

 But I get up again

 You're never gonna' keep me down!"

Anticipation

Sometimes I get overly excited about something and it causes me to almost obsess about it. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't seem to function normally. This is not a good thing, considering my history. I know that I need sleep, to eat, and to be present in my day to day life. I am trying to make everyone happy in my life, and sometimes at my own expense. I am very happy right now and have a lot of positive changes happening in my life (I'll go into them in another post). I need to just concentrate on them and trust my own heart and mind. I am a strong, capable woman that needs to rely on that strength! Happy Friday everyone!

Insomnia Again

I suffer from insomnia and it has struck again. The one good thing is that I got the laundry done and the dishes too! *YAWN*

Faith

Overcoming

I have overcome a lot in my life, and I am so grateful for all of the struggles I have faced. They have made me the strong, capable, independent woman I am today.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't choose to go through abuse, illness, divorce, depression and a child with depression, an eating disorder or the many complications associated with these things. But I am who I am because of my ability to live with and overcome them.

I've been asked how I can endure so much pain and still remain positive, and to that I answer, it isn't easy. It takes a lot of fight and hard work. I was a very happy, positive and upbeat little girl. Then life happened and I became more negative, always wondering what else could possibly go wrong? When was the torment going to end?

I had to make a choice to not look at the bad, and to look at the positive. Sometimes the only positive thing I can find is that I survived the situation. That alone is enough. I refuse to give up and give in to the ugliness. I am a survivor and I will go on. Being negative and sullen doesn't improve anything, if anything it makes it worse. I will choose to see the good in the world and continue on with my life with love, laughter and joy.

My kids would tell you that I am obsessed with 3 little words and I have them all over my home. "Live, Laugh, Love" They are popular in home decor items and I have found them inspiring. I will LIVE my life to the fullest. I will LAUGH often. I will LOVE much!

New Year...New Life?

My new year started on October 7, 2012 when I received my new kidney and pancreas. I don't think that when the calendar switched from 2012 to 2013 that anything magically changed. I believe that significant life altering changes occur on the most ordinary days of the year. Did I know that when I fell asleep on my couch on Saturday, October 6, 2012 that my life would change a few hours later? No, I didn't. Did anything change at 12:01 AM on Tuesday, January 1, 2013? No, it didn't. Life changes in those little moments in between. It isn't always during monumental changes like life saving surgery, sometimes it is in a glance from a stranger that later becomes a friend. Sometimes it is making a "wrong" turn and ending up in the "right" place. Sometimes it is in changing one's mind for "one last time." I look forward to all of the things that life has to offer, and for each step into my "New Life."

Loving MY Life

I have blogged about my struggle with self esteem and what that means to me.

I have been blatantly honest with how I often fail at loving myself.

I have told you about how much I have hated myself and my body.

I have discussed how badly I have wanted a different life.

Today I am pledging (again) to love the life I have now, not waiting for what I think will make me happy. I will be content with my life, even while striving to better myself and my life. Just because I love my life doesn't mean that I won't continue to work for more, it just means that I won't put my life on hold until I get it.

This is a group that has come into my life through my son, I am 50Million. I love what they teach, and what they have done for him. I have learned via the "osmosis" of living with him and going to some of their classes. Here is a status that they posted today on facebook that made me stop and think:

"A key to absolute happiness is to learn how to Love the life you have right "now". Your life is "now". This life that is truly not missing anything. It might have areas we don't like but it has everything it needs. We have this life right now and we could live in bliss if we can learn how to Love it for all it is. With all we like and dislike, we can still find true Love for this life. We spend so much time wanting our "desired life" or a "future life". That future doesn't exist right "now" and as important as it is to have goals these should not overshadow this life... this "now". True Love is about acceptance and today is a great day to find Love for the life that you have right "now". All we have is the "now" and if you can Love your life in it... you will live with a peace that others only dream of. Love with everything that is you. We strive to Love everything in this "now", for you are and I am 50Million"

Bargains

I love a good bargain, and this time of year there are a lot of them out there. There are also a lot of so-called "bargains" out there. Things that aren't that great once you read the fine print. 

I feel that way about Edith. She seemed so great, helped me get through some rough times. I thought I was looking better the thinner I got, and I was "dealing" with my past well. What I didn't do was read that fine print...

• I would lose hair and teeth
• I wouldn't have energy
• I would develop Osteoporosis
• I would damage my kidneys
• I would lose friends and family
• I would be miserable and lonely

That fine print wasn't worth the great deal that I thought Edith was. I lost so much due to my eating disorder and I can never go back and fix them. 

Don't fall for the bargain that your eating disorder is telling you about. Leave it behind and go for the sure thing...A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE!

Insomnia

I have trouble sleeping these days. I have some prescriptions that help, sometimes.

I have a lot on my mind. I worry a lot. I worry about my kids, my health, my future. I try to stay positive, and I try NOT to worry. I still worry.

I don't understand it, because I know that it doesn't change anything. I know that worrying makes one ill. I know that worrying causes only grief.

I still worry.

If you worry, you are not alone. Fight it. Fight the need to control everything. Fight the urge to go to that negative place that tells you all the ways things can go wrong. Join me in that fight.

Maybe one day I can let go of the worry completely. Right now I let go little by little, and that is all I can do. I will "Let go and let God," as much as I am capable of each day.

I will sleep.

Optimistic

Today is a good day. I feel fabulous and optimistic. I pray that I am going home today, hospital stays are not fun. My health is so important though, so I am being hyper-compliant and doing everything the doctors say. I know that this time of trial will make be well worth it. I already feel stronger. I am excited about my future for the ffirst time in a very long time.

My transplant was successful and I feel great. I haven't had a relapse in, well, I don't know how long. My divorce is final and we are getting along really well. My kids are happy and thriving. Over all life is great.

I REALLY am looking forward to what lies ahead.

Weight Gain

I put on some weight since my surgery, and I needed to, don't get me wrong. I lost a LOT of weight in the weeks after surgery, so the weight was welcome.

AND THEN...

I put on MORE weight. I was starting to "freak out" a  little. It turns out that I was retaining some water and  I  developed a hernia. My waistline was growing and growing fast! I started to panic. I had to do a  lot of positive talk to myself and take  it back  to reality. This wasn't easy while trying to heal, but I kept at it. I had surgery on my hernia and my head seems to be in a good place now.

It just goes to show that this fight is never truly over and that I need to keep fighting to keep healthy, both mind and body.

Complications

I had my transplant 6 weeks ago and although I am so excited and feel wonderful, the journey has not been without complications.

I have had a few episodes of rejection as well as some other medical issues. It has been scary, painful and unnerving. I have fought through and been super compliant, but it doesn't always help. Sometimes even with the best medical care, there are unforeseen circumstances. Especially when you are putting a new organ in someone else's body.

I have had to "roll with the punches" so to speak during this process. I spent 33 out of 43 days in the hospital, it was supposed to be 7-10 days, I went a bit over. I was disappointed that I didn't get to be home on my oldest child's birthday, and Halloween. I was upset many times, and that did little more than raise my blood pressure. I had to let go of my expectations and pray for quick healing and for the doctors and nurses to know what to do.

I am not a patient person by nature, but this journey has taught me a lot about that. Everything comes together in its' own time. I am not the one in charge, God is, and He will direct the circumstances as He sees fit. I am so incredibly grateful that He directed me through all of this.

TRANSPLANT

October 7, 2012 is my new birthday!

I received the gift of life via a Kidney-Pancreas transplant!

The journey has not been easy, but the struggles are well worth it. I can eat what I want, and I am free of insulin and dialysis. I feel stronger than I have in years, and that is an amazing feeling.

I think about my donor every day. I pray for their family, to find peace in their decision. I am not sure of any details about them, and how many people they were able to help, but I am eternally grateful for the gift they gave me.

I have been on this journey for a long time, and although it isn't always easy, I have not relapsed in many years. This gift makes that more important than ever. I will not take these new organs for granted. I have been taking all my meds, eating and TRYING to sleep. I am happy and ready to face the rest of my life.

Test Results

I am on the transplant list, and I am thrilled about that. I am so excited to have the second chance at health and life.

Each year I have to go back and get the battery of tests to make sure that I am still in good enough health for the transplant. This is not something that I like to do, but it is necessary, so I do it. Last week I had all of the "lady" parts looked at, and that is my least favorite. I already struggle with that because of the abuse I suffered as a girl, but I wasn't concerned that anything was wrong.

I have to have further tests on my uterus and breasts. There were "somethings" that need to have further investigation. It reminded me not to get comfortable, to keep putting my faith in the Father. Life is not easy, and although I should want for nothing and be content in my circumstances, I know that I need to daily turn all of my fears over to Him.

I am strong, I can endure much, but I cannot endure all of this on my own. I am greatly overwhelmed right now, and I can admit that. There are days where I break down and I think, "why me?" There are then days where I feel so incredibly blessed. I am just taking it one day at a time, and some days, one minute at a time!

Liking Myself

I'll admit it, I struggle with liking myself. 

I really don't remember a time that this wasn't a struggle. I have had moments where I felt good about myself. I have had moments where I feel pretty. I have even had a few moments where I felt proud of myself. It has never been easy though.


I went through an extended period of time where I was feeling good and strong, confident in myself. I then let the circumstances of my life knock me down. My husband leaving was really hard and I blamed him for my feelings of inadequacy. 


It wasn't/isn't his fault. I let myself start to listen to the old "tapes" that played in my head for most of my life. Tapes that said I wasn't good enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough. Tapes that left me trapped, unable to move forward, unable to strive for something more. 


I am making a choice right now that says I am ENOUGH. I am the best "me" I can be. 

Relapse?

I am not in a relapse, but man oh man would part of me love to be!

Even though it is not a healthy coping mechanism, my eating disorder worked as one. It got me through some incredibly rough times. I am currently going through what is most likely the hardest time of my life, and it would be so easy to numb out and give up.

I am not going to though. I will keep fighting, even though it is such a tough fight.

I am so proud of myself, in the past I would have given in. I would have stopped taking my meds, stop eating a proper diet and isolated myself in my bedroom. Although my eating disorder was not a CHOICE, I finally have the strength to fight it.

I still have not asked Edith back into my life! So take THAT doubters!

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself.
Sometimes I wonder, why me?
Sometimes I am angry at the world.
Sometimes I want to give up.
Sometimes I can't stop crying.
Sometimes I feel so alone.


Sometimes...

But not all the time.

Sometimes I feel like there is so much to fight for.
Sometimes I am happy.
Sometimes I feel loved.
Sometimes I know that tomorrow will be better.
Sometimes I know there is a reason to fight.
Sometimes I want to live.
Sometimes I laugh uncontrollably.
Sometimes I know I have a purpose.

Sometimes...

But not all the time.