Overcoming

I have overcome a lot in my life, and I am so grateful for all of the struggles I have faced. They have made me the strong, capable, independent woman I am today.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't choose to go through abuse, illness, divorce, depression and a child with depression, an eating disorder or the many complications associated with these things. But I am who I am because of my ability to live with and overcome them.

I've been asked how I can endure so much pain and still remain positive, and to that I answer, it isn't easy. It takes a lot of fight and hard work. I was a very happy, positive and upbeat little girl. Then life happened and I became more negative, always wondering what else could possibly go wrong? When was the torment going to end?

I had to make a choice to not look at the bad, and to look at the positive. Sometimes the only positive thing I can find is that I survived the situation. That alone is enough. I refuse to give up and give in to the ugliness. I am a survivor and I will go on. Being negative and sullen doesn't improve anything, if anything it makes it worse. I will choose to see the good in the world and continue on with my life with love, laughter and joy.

My kids would tell you that I am obsessed with 3 little words and I have them all over my home. "Live, Laugh, Love" They are popular in home decor items and I have found them inspiring. I will LIVE my life to the fullest. I will LAUGH often. I will LOVE much!

New Year...New Life?

My new year started on October 7, 2012 when I received my new kidney and pancreas. I don't think that when the calendar switched from 2012 to 2013 that anything magically changed. I believe that significant life altering changes occur on the most ordinary days of the year. Did I know that when I fell asleep on my couch on Saturday, October 6, 2012 that my life would change a few hours later? No, I didn't. Did anything change at 12:01 AM on Tuesday, January 1, 2013? No, it didn't. Life changes in those little moments in between. It isn't always during monumental changes like life saving surgery, sometimes it is in a glance from a stranger that later becomes a friend. Sometimes it is making a "wrong" turn and ending up in the "right" place. Sometimes it is in changing one's mind for "one last time." I look forward to all of the things that life has to offer, and for each step into my "New Life."

Loving MY Life

I have blogged about my struggle with self esteem and what that means to me.

I have been blatantly honest with how I often fail at loving myself.

I have told you about how much I have hated myself and my body.

I have discussed how badly I have wanted a different life.

Today I am pledging (again) to love the life I have now, not waiting for what I think will make me happy. I will be content with my life, even while striving to better myself and my life. Just because I love my life doesn't mean that I won't continue to work for more, it just means that I won't put my life on hold until I get it.

This is a group that has come into my life through my son, I am 50Million. I love what they teach, and what they have done for him. I have learned via the "osmosis" of living with him and going to some of their classes. Here is a status that they posted today on facebook that made me stop and think:

"A key to absolute happiness is to learn how to Love the life you have right "now". Your life is "now". This life that is truly not missing anything. It might have areas we don't like but it has everything it needs. We have this life right now and we could live in bliss if we can learn how to Love it for all it is. With all we like and dislike, we can still find true Love for this life. We spend so much time wanting our "desired life" or a "future life". That future doesn't exist right "now" and as important as it is to have goals these should not overshadow this life... this "now". True Love is about acceptance and today is a great day to find Love for the life that you have right "now". All we have is the "now" and if you can Love your life in it... you will live with a peace that others only dream of. Love with everything that is you. We strive to Love everything in this "now", for you are and I am 50Million"

Bargains

I love a good bargain, and this time of year there are a lot of them out there. There are also a lot of so-called "bargains" out there. Things that aren't that great once you read the fine print. 

I feel that way about Edith. She seemed so great, helped me get through some rough times. I thought I was looking better the thinner I got, and I was "dealing" with my past well. What I didn't do was read that fine print...

• I would lose hair and teeth
• I wouldn't have energy
• I would develop Osteoporosis
• I would damage my kidneys
• I would lose friends and family
• I would be miserable and lonely

That fine print wasn't worth the great deal that I thought Edith was. I lost so much due to my eating disorder and I can never go back and fix them. 

Don't fall for the bargain that your eating disorder is telling you about. Leave it behind and go for the sure thing...A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE!

Insomnia

I have trouble sleeping these days. I have some prescriptions that help, sometimes.

I have a lot on my mind. I worry a lot. I worry about my kids, my health, my future. I try to stay positive, and I try NOT to worry. I still worry.

I don't understand it, because I know that it doesn't change anything. I know that worrying makes one ill. I know that worrying causes only grief.

I still worry.

If you worry, you are not alone. Fight it. Fight the need to control everything. Fight the urge to go to that negative place that tells you all the ways things can go wrong. Join me in that fight.

Maybe one day I can let go of the worry completely. Right now I let go little by little, and that is all I can do. I will "Let go and let God," as much as I am capable of each day.

I will sleep.

Optimistic

Today is a good day. I feel fabulous and optimistic. I pray that I am going home today, hospital stays are not fun. My health is so important though, so I am being hyper-compliant and doing everything the doctors say. I know that this time of trial will make be well worth it. I already feel stronger. I am excited about my future for the ffirst time in a very long time.

My transplant was successful and I feel great. I haven't had a relapse in, well, I don't know how long. My divorce is final and we are getting along really well. My kids are happy and thriving. Over all life is great.

I REALLY am looking forward to what lies ahead.

Weight Gain

I put on some weight since my surgery, and I needed to, don't get me wrong. I lost a LOT of weight in the weeks after surgery, so the weight was welcome.

AND THEN...

I put on MORE weight. I was starting to "freak out" a  little. It turns out that I was retaining some water and  I  developed a hernia. My waistline was growing and growing fast! I started to panic. I had to do a  lot of positive talk to myself and take  it back  to reality. This wasn't easy while trying to heal, but I kept at it. I had surgery on my hernia and my head seems to be in a good place now.

It just goes to show that this fight is never truly over and that I need to keep fighting to keep healthy, both mind and body.