Loving the imperfect me!

I can't sleep.

I have had a great day, it was Easter and we headed to the beach for some fun in the sun. It was a beautiful day, and the sun felt good on my skin.

The beach is one of my favorite places and one of the places I dread most!

I love to walk up and down the beach and people watch, there were a LOT of people there today. I love to see little kids experiencing the ocean for the first time. I love to watch my teenagers act like kids again splashing in the waves, digging in the sand and burying themselves in it. I love the warmth of the sun on my skin and the relaxed look on my husband's face.

I do NOT like the way I feel about my body at the beach. I try not to compare myself to others, but I inevitably do. I look at young women and long for the body I used to have. I look at women my age and older and wonder why I can't look like them. I ache to love the body I have now. I long to know what total confidence feels like. I want to enjoy the day fully and be completely in the moment.

There are things I do like about myself and that is a MAJOR step from 11 years ago when I first went into treatment.

• I like the way my eyes look when I smile.
• I like the way I can still walk, even though I was not given much hope of that 7 years ago.
• I like that my hair is shiny and starting to finally grow out.
• I have not come to complete acceptance of it, but I like the little "pooch" that is on my abdomen as it signifies that I have given birth to two amazing children.
• I like the way that when I smile my whole face lights up.

I may not have perfect self-esteem, but I am definitely in a better place and am willing to keep trying. And I thank my Lord in Heaven for loving me despite all the things that I find fault with!