Encouragement

When visiting http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary I found the following definition for "encourage,"

Main Entry: en·cour·age

Pronunciation: \in-ˈkər-ij, -ˈkə-rij, en-\

1 a : to inspire with courage, spirit, or hope : hearten encouraged to continue by her early success> b : to attempt to persuade : urge encouraged him to go back to school>

2 : to spur on : stimulate weather encourages plant growth>
3 : to give help or patronage to : foster government grants designed to encourage conservation>

Today I felt encouraged by friends and co-workers on many levels. Let me tell you some of the ways:

1 a: to inspire with courage, spirit, or hope

My friend, Cyndi, whom I have a lot in common with and had lost contact with encouraged me with scripture and the invitation for a good talk. (Cyndi, I will have to find a moment to get a phone call in! SOON!) She gave me hope and lifted my spirits!

2: to spur on

I have been put under a new supervisor at work. Theresa is so encouraging with the way she "spurs" me on, that we are a team and that we can do anything by staying positive and working together! She has encouraged me to move on and keep going!

3: to give help or patronage to

I have had several different people come up and offer me help when I have been struggling to figure out a problem with my family and my health. I have been encouraged by their love and support.

I hope to be an encouragement to others!

Blessings!

Stress

I handle stress badly.

I tend to either:

• Retreat into myself and hide. I curl up into a ball, sleep too much and avoid contact with everyone.

OR

• Spew out all of the ugliness that I feel! I yell, cry, stomp my feet and generally act like a 4 year old in need of a nap.

If I take the first approach I hurt myself, the second and I hurt those around me. My goal is to now handle stress better. I hope to continue growing and learning how to better handle it. Stress is inevitable in anyone's life. We are bombarded from every direction, and sometimes we have no control over it.

I have started a new thought process, if you will. I want to control things in my life, as I have stated before. Now it is time for me to control the way I respond to stress.

These are some of the steps that I am going to take:

• I will take walks, exercise has been shown to lower stress levels.
• I will laugh more regularly. Laughter can change your mood, even if it starts out forced.
• I will talk with friends, even when I want to hide and withdraw.
• I will blog more. Getting my thoughts out has already helped me conquer many anxieties.

If you would like to join me on this new quest, leave me a comment, "friend me" on Facebook or follow me on Twitter. We can start a wave of positivity!

Loneliness

I feel very lonely right now. There is no rhyme or reason for it. I have friends that would love to talk with me and hang out. I have a great group of co-workers, and I have a fabulous family. But I sort of feel like I am drowning in the loneliness. I try to talk things out with people, and to journal about the irrationality of it, but it is just not going away as easily as I'd like it to.

It is so hard to talk about my feelings when I don't know anyone that is dealing with these issues.

Then again, maybe I do. Are you suffering? Do you feel alone in a room full of people?

There are some great things that have come about in the last 20 or so years. The internet has obviously changed everyone's lives. I have re-connected with people from West Elementary School, Mt. Vernon Middle and High Schools, and the Knox County JVS as well as Mt. Vernon Nazarene COLLEGE (yes I still say College ;)). Not to mention friends from Missouri and Nebraska. The internet has brought new people into my life, people that I went to school with but barely knew. These people now are some of my biggest supporters.

I think it is time to take advantage of the internet. By sharing our stories and struggles, we can lighten each others' burdens. I would love to make this blog more interactive.

I am still trying to get an appointment with a doctor to really work on this loneliness, but would love to start a dialogue with you, my readers.

If you are not following my blog or following me on Twitter, go ahead and do so! I would love to see what kind of community we can get going!

Blessings!

Anger

Just when I thought I was over the anger, it sneaks back up on me!

I was abused as a child. It was ugly and it was painful. It changed who I am and how I react to those around me.

I have forgiven my abuser, but have been unable to forget. That ultimately is a good thing, as it helps to keep me from becoming a perpetrator myself.

The problem is when the anger sneaks up on me and all I want to do is throttle him! I tend to take it out on myself instead. I know this is a totally unhealthy thing, and I am fighting against it. Thank God I have a great support system and a fantastic family that loves me unconditionally.

Some day I hope to be totally over the anger, and the flashbacks. Until that day comes I must find a way to deal with the anger, the shame and the feeling that things are out of my control. I am working on it, but first I need to understand that this is perfectly normal.

Any thoughts?

I would love to see your comments here on the blog. Thanks for those of you that post on facebook, but I would like to have comments posted here for those readers that are not my facebook friends.

Sleep is Good

It is amazing what a few nights of good, restful sleep can do for a person's spirit and mood.

I KNEW that getting a good night's sleep was crucial to one's overall health, but it eluded me. I have seen it in magazines, heard it spoken about on the radio and watched countless stories about it on television.

I would try to go to sleep early and lie awake for hours crying that I was so tired and couldn't fall asleep. Or I would fall right to sleep and be awake 3 hours later and up for the rest of the night.

I couldn't seem to get it right. I tried everything "they" told me too. No naps during the day, no caffeine after 2:00 PM, total darkness in my bedroom, a warm bath (not too hot, not too cool), chamomile tea, warm milk, whatever I tried it did NOT work. Nothing could slow my mind in its racing thoughts, not listening to the sounds of the sea or Enya's crooning. Nothing could stop the worry, not counting sheep or backwards from 100.

I was "Sleepless in Orlando." (Or Lincoln, or St. Joseph, or Fredericktown, or Mt. Vernon for that matter).

When I am in the throws of a horrible depression, sleep is one of the things that seems unattainable. That is except during the daytime, because then I just could sleep the days away, huddled up in my little cocoon. That dark place takes one of the most nourishing things from me and makes it ugly.

But, now that I have admitted I am depressed and started on some medication, I have been sleeping like a child. Matt even recognized it. He said that he could have come in and painted all over my face and I wouldn't have noticed, and he was so happy. He knew how miserably tired I have been and that sleeping at night would be such a huge relief.

Now I can enjoy my days, AND my nights! Have a great day my readers!

Rough Days

This week has been rough.

A long drive out of state on Monday, watching my son go through some rigorous medical testing on Tuesday, he had surgery on Wednesday, and today we drove home. He was in some serious pain and it was very difficult to not be able to help him.

While going through a downturn in my depression, I was concerned with how I would handle the stress of the week.

I handled it well and am very pleased with how things are going. I started new medication on Saturday and I'm not sure that it is working yet, but I will keep taking it until it does!

Each day is a battle right now to do the right thing and take care of myself. I know that it won't be easy, but I am willing to fight it out.

Admission

I have a confession to make, or more appropriately, an admission.

I am in the throws of a major depression. This is requiring me to go back into counseling and seek help through medication.

This does not mean I am a failure or that I am weak. The fact that I can admit it before it gets to the point that I am a complete recluse, lying in my bed all day and not taking care of myself, only shows that I am strong.

I have tried to make this blog totally positive and I try not to dwell on the ugly, sad truth that is my on-going battle with Edith. I am much stronger than her, yet she has a pull that is hard to resist. I don't always win the battles, but I am most definitely winning the war.

Just a warning that things may get ugly from here on out, as I am not going to censor myself anymore.

I probably won't write for a few days as I am dealing with some big family stuff.

I will be back and am prepared to share my entire story and to lay it all on the line. My husband said something that made me think the other day as I was lying in the hospital from another bout of Diabetic Ketoacidosis. It was that people really needed to see the real me, not the super upbeat-fake version of me. Other people are suffering today, and they feel as alone as I do. So here goes...

Let's take this journey together and beat those crappy eating disorders and depressions into submission!