The Hits Just Keep Coming

Today I got out of the hospital again, another 6 days in for a complication from poor Diabetes control. Thanks again Edith! She just keeps on giving and giving.

I know that people going through the beginning stages of an eating disorder are not thinking about the future. They are not thinking about the complications that can arise.

Did you know that of course it causes malnutrition, but that because of that it can also cause:

• Death
• Heart disease
• Depression, suicidal thoughts or behavior
• Absence of menstruation (amenorrhea) leading to fertility issues
• Bone loss, I personally lost 3 inches in height that I will never regain.
• Stunted growth, for those that have not completed the growing process
• Seizures
• Digestive problems
• Bowel irregularities
• Kidney damage
• Severe tooth decay
• High or low blood pressure
• Type 2 diabetes
• Gallbladder disease

These are all things to consider, and to think about no matter what stage of an eating disorder you are in. If you are considering ways to take control of your life, or to make some extreme decision to lose weight, please think about these life changing consequences of that decision.

An Apology

Lately I have been quite negative on this blog, as well as in my real life.

I owe an apology to my readers as well as to my friends and family.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life making other people miserable. I don't want to BE miserable for the rest of my life.

I have had someone that I love very much confront me about one of my blog posts in particular. They stated that they were upset by my "Angry at my Body" post. I don't think I made myself totally clear.

I am angry at my body for not functioning like a healthy body would, not because of my eating disorder or the fact that I have not always taken care of myself. I am angry that even if I took my medication as prescribed and ate well from day one, I would STILL have to take my medication and watch everything I ate. I was mostly saying that I am angry at Diabetes.

I also want to state that I have just been trying to be honest about how I feel. Emotions are neither right or wrong, they just are. The real test comes with how we express those emotions.

I am not writing this blog to put myself on a pedestal or to put myself down. I am writing it to give an honest account of how I feel and what I am going through.

My husband told me that the only way this blog could be helpful was if I was honest and didn't try to sugarcoat everything and make it seem like I didn't struggle anymore.

I am an imperfect human being and for someone like me to admit that, it is very difficult, but very true. I have not always loved myself, but I like to put on a mask that i do. I am taking that mask off and sharing myself, warts and all.

A Change is a-Brewing

I have recently made some major adjustments in my thought processes. It has not been easy by any means, and I have a long way to go, but I am extremely optimistic.

I have made a few observations in the years I have been dealing with this disorder and having friends that have been fighting it.

I find it interesting that when someone is dealing with an illness such as depression, that there isn't the same amount of compassion as someone with say, cancer.

People that have been there all along have decided that they are "done" with you, and dealing with your illness. They say things like, why don't you just get over it and make a determination to be happy? Why don't you just take care of yourself and get over your drama?

Wow! If only it were that easy! If only I could pop a pill and the next day I would be amazingly happy and content. I wish that I could just say, okay, I am over it, time to move on.

But you know what, it is NOT easy! It is HARD! But you know what else?

IT IS WORTH IT! I am strong enough to do this, with or without help! If people don't think I am worth sticking around and supporting, then so be it! I will do it for myself and show everyone just how incredibly strong and brave I am! This is for anyone that can't stand by me...

Angry at my Body

Excuse the rant that is about to happen, but I have to get it out and it isn't a pretty little story!

I am so pissed off right now, and I don't know how else to put it!

I have diabetes...it sucks!'

Most people can eat what they want, and suffer the consequences quietly. They may gain wait, or have indigestion and of course pay for it later.

I have to measure everything I eat, calculate the medications I take, and decide if walking a few blocks with my dogs will be a good thing for me to do today because of my blood sugars. Every freaking thing I do has to be measured, calculated, and weighed because there are consequences that will effect me every moment.

I am tired of it, and I have no choice but to deal with it constantly. I am getting to a point where it is second nature, but it still pisses me off that I have to deal with it! And to top it all off I am blessed with an eating disorder and an obsessive/compulsive personality! YAY ME!

I won't apologize for the sarcasm, I need it today.

Tonight after eating, my blood sugar was high, so I took a bolus of insulin to cover it. I also had a snack so that it wouldn't drop too low. It did! I ate a sandwich and it was still low.

I know that stress is a factor in controlling my blood sugars, and I am under an amazing amount of stress right now that I can't even talk about! Which makes it worse! I am doing all of the right things. Controlling what I can such as eating properly and taking my medications as prescribed.

Why is my body still betraying me?

I know that I have abused it in the past and that I am paying the price now, but I am still angry.

Anger is one of the emotions that I have the most trouble expressing. It is an emotion that I feel is "ugly" and I don't want to deal with it most of the time.

I finally feel that I have a "right" to be angry about certain things, but I just don't know how to properly express it. I think this will be the main topic of conversation with my Psychiatrist in 7 hours!

On towards health, mental, physical and spiritual!

I guess I do try to always end on a positive note! Thanks for letting me spill a little of my anger here and share my struggle with you.

Being a Mom with An Eating Disorder

It is not easy to state why I fall back into eating disordered behavior when I have a family that needs me. I know that being healthy needs to be a priority for me first, but if I can't do it for me, why not at the very least for my family?

This is a question that has been posed to me recently, again. It is so hard to explain why not eating and taking my meds makes me feel powerful and in control. Because logically I know that I truly don't have control, that "Edith" has taken over again.

To be honest though, for probably the first time in my recovery I have really felt what it feels like to be healthy. I like the way I have let go of the dizziness, weakness, constant headache and ache in my stomach.

I feel stronger over her, the fact that I was able to start battling back without being an inpatient helps. I had to get a little reminder from my wonderful husband, but that was all it took. I am back to seeing a psychiatrist, an endocrinologist, and an OB/GYN. My blood sugars have been great, even through my recent surgery. Each new milestone is giving me the courage to keep fighting.

I don't know what the future holds for me on a lot of levels, and to be honest some things are happening that are down right scary! But I am prepared to fight and ultimately to WIN! For me! (and for my family too).

Feeling Alone

I am a thinker, I don't just take anything at face value, not even my feelings. I analyze everything!

I feel so alone tonight. I know that I am not, I know that I have:

• Family that loves me
• Friends that support me
• People that feel just like I do out there reading this blog
• A God that loves and protects me

But tonight...I feel alone.

I need to remind myself that the feeling is not reality. It may feel like my reality at the moment, but looking around me I see evidence that it is not.

I see my friends that are near, and those that are not, but thanks to facebook and a telephone seem to be right here with me.

I have my family here to give me great big hugs and kisses. There is nothing sweeter that the hug of my teenage sons wrapping there arms around me and kissing the top of my head. (They are both over 6 feet tall now). The love and care that my husband shows me even when I feel unlovable is invaluable.

I also have my family that is far away that shows their support through calls, cards, email and prayers. I know that I am rarely far from their minds and hearts as they are not far from mine.

Heck, even my two dogs with their wet, slobbery kisses show me unconditional love.

Okay, so now that I have reminded myself that I am not alone...I think I can go on and continue the fight!

Overcoming A Sudden Blow

Sometimes things come at me that are out of my control. In the past I have retreated into myself and my eating disorder. I have had a somewhat sudden revelation recently...I am worth more than that. I have no control of the people around me and their reactions. I have a limited sphere of influence, in that there are many external things that just happen in my life and the lives of those I love. What I can control is my reaction to these things/people. I am finally at the end of my rope and am sick and tired of being sick and tired. (I know, cliché, but oh so true right now). I am choosing to choose "ME" and to boost my health, resources, sphere of influence. I am choosing to not be a "victim" or a "survivor." I am choosing to be "Rachel" and to be the best me that I can be, regardless of what anyone thinks, says, or does!

HOO RAH!